Carry On Singing [Weitermachen Singen] By Andrew Norris [Schreiben mit Andrew Norris] Complete with German translations [Vollkommen zum Deutsche Ubersetzungen] SCENE ONE [Buhenbild Ein] UAC Admiralty, Genus [UAC Admiralitat, Genus] Following the Martian invasion, CIVILIANS are having trouble settling down, and the UAC need as many recruits as possible. ADMIRAL HUDSON is interrogating a CIVILIAN in his office. [Folgenden das Martian einfallen, ZIVILPERSONEN mit haben arger pause, und der UAC notwendigkeit rekrutieren. ADMIRAL HUDSON ist verhoren ein ZIVILPERSON mit er buro.] HUDSON: You say that you were forced to handle radioactive waste by the Martians? [Du was zwingen zum anfassen radioaktiv uberschussig mit dem Martians?] CIVILIAN: That's right, Admiral, sir. [Ja, herr Admiral.] HUDSON: And you have previously said that you were given protective clothing? [Fanzy ein trip du Germany this jahre?] CIVILIAN: Yes, sir. The suit was completely lined with lead, as was the box I carried the waste in. [Home of der Black forrest, und die tasti frankfurterz.] HUDSON: The box was lined with lead or was made from lead? [Und der home of Oktoberfest, where ve drink ourselves stupidd on schnapps.] CIVILIAN: Made from lead, sir. It was only the suit that was lined with lead. [Mind du, schnapps ist quite ein strong bier. Best not zu give it to der kids, I zay.] HUDSON: With all those precautions taken, I don't see how you can claim for radiation poisoning. [Und as fur heroez, we have Frederick die Great, who ist a lot like Admiral Nelzon in zum wayz.] CIVILIAN: I'm not, sir. I'm claiming for lead poisoning. [Ja, come zu Germany, where every day ist ein holid...urgh!] The producers would like to apologize for the European commercial that was sneaked in via our translations. Those responsible have been dealt with. Head of Everything - BBC (Big Balls Company). CEO of the World - PBS (Pleasantly Bulls**t System). ELSEWHERE ON GENUS... BUCKY and JENNY are waiting outside their ship, while WILLY cleans the glass on DEADEYES' gun turret. BUCKY: That Martian invasion was over quicker than I first thought. JENNY: (Coughs) I think it best, Buck. But Rygar now wants to know who gave the information to the Toads in the first place. WILLY: Yeah, and that's why he sent Deadeye and Natalie to check on his prime suspects down at Sol Averys'. BUCKY: It's just the waiting part I don't like. So we got Genus back on its' feet, but I know that the Toads will stop at nothing to try and make an attack while we're still recovering. JENNY: Easy, Bucky. You need to be patient and wait for Deadeye. BUCKY sighs and slumps onto the ladder into the ship, placing his head in his hands. BUCKY: (Groans) I know, Jenny, but I just hope they hurry up. WILLY: Don't worry, Bucky. They've probably found the suspects right now. SCENE TWO Sol Averys' Meeting Hall, Genus Four OTTERS, all dressed as the Beatles, are sat on stools on the small stage with old-style moustaches. With them is a DOG interviewer, and their only audience is DEADEYE and SECONDARY GUNNER NATALIE FARRELL. INTERVIEWER: (To audience) Good evening, and may I welcome for the first time to planet Genus the sensational pop-band, The Dung-Beatles. Ron Lemon, Faul Mihearty, Dingo Parr and Gorge Harrington. DEADEYE and NATALIE just wave, looking suspiciously at THE DUNG- BEATLES. INTERVIEWER: (To Dung-Beatles) Well, I think I should begin by asking how you are able to make a tour spanning most of the Aniverse and yet have had no problems with accomodation. DUNG-BEATLES: (Singing in unison) We all live in a yellow submarine, Yellow submarine, yellow submarine. INTERVIEWER: I see. And what are your opinions of Billy Shires, your stage manager? DUNG-BEATLES: (Singing) He's a real Nowhere Man. INTERVIEWER: And why's that? DUNG-BEATLES: He's as blind as he can be, Just see's what he wants to see, Nowhere Man, can you see me at all? INTERVIEWER: (Bemused) Yes, well moving on. You say you live in a submarine so you can move about freely, but don't you have a permanent base somewhere? DUNG-BEATLES: Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes, There beneath the blue suburban skies, I sit and meanwhile back. NATALIE: (Raises her hand) Question for Dingo Parr. Who was it that helped you begin your musical career 20 years ago? DINGO: (Solo) It was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play, They've been going in and out of style, But they're guaranteed to raise a smile. NATALIE stands up, as does DEADEYE, and they both show their .S.P.A.C.E. passes. NATALIE: You won't be raising any more smiles, Dingo. You're all under arrest for treason against the Mammals by the authority of the .S.P.A.C.E. THE DUNG-BEATLES back away slightly as NATALIE and DEADEYE storm the stage. The two overpower the singers and wrestle them out of the meeting-hall. DUNG-BEATLES: (Still singing) Help! I need somebody, Help! Not just anybody, Help! You know I need someone, HELP! SCENE THREE UAC Admiralty, Genus FLEET ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE is speaking with former members of the Council, who are outraged at RYGARS' actions. COUNCILLOR #1: You have no right to ban the General Assembly in this way! It violates our treaties! COUNCILLOR #2: Do you realize how much money we poured into the .S.P.A.C.E. for the war? RYGAR: (Snaps) Only so you could have it back, damn it! You all grabbed as much money as you could so your own planets would be better off, and left us to fight a massive empire with just four frigates, some garbage scows and an antiquated spaceship! COUNCILLOR #1: Then surely you should be grateful for even that! RYGAR: Even though our spies have totalled the Toad Empires' fleet alone to be at over 100 million spacecraft. Take that versus the four ships we have...need I say more? COUNCILLOR #3: But what about the Communists? Surely they could be of help to us! RYGAR: Excuse me, Councillor Olympus, but who was it that backed Pigton in the Anti-Soviet Agreement several years ago? COUNCILLOR #2: But you have those Martian robots as Home Guard units, surely that is enough. RYGAR: They're for auxiliary defence, not front-line warfare! I don't see why you're wasting your time, gentlemen. You're not in power, you've no arguement, and I have better things to do. THE COUNCILLORS storm off angrily, and VICE-ADMIRAL SAMANTHA RAVEN enters, saluting afterwards. RAVEN: You sent for me, Admiral? RYGAR: (Sighs) Yes, Raven. You are aware that I'm moving all Skydivers to the oceanic sectors of Genus? RAVEN: Yes, sir, and I can understand the logic. But what shall be done about the Oceanus system? RYGAR: What Fritz didn't realize is that water is in abundant supply on Genus already; security on the Oceanus system was pointless as there is no need to collect water when we have enough. RAVEN: And you want my submarines patrolling the oceans in case of an underwater attack? RYGAR: Exactly, Raven. I'm not going to have the .S.P.A.C.E. embarrassed in this way again! He walks out the office in a huff, leaving SAMANTHA RAVEN to think to herself. SCENE FOUR Deadeyes' Apartment, Later that night DEADEYE and NATALIE are both sitting on a double-bed. DEADEYE is reading a book, while DEADEYE watches her. DEADEYE: (Huffs) Good thing we got them Beatles, eh? NATALIE: Hmm. DEADEYE: Ah, come on, lass! I might not be in the mood when you're finished! NATALIE: You'll have to wait. Everyone says that this book has a surprise ending. DEADEYE: So have I (!) NATALIE throws the book down in frustration and lies flat on her back. NATALIE: There! Happy? DEADEYE just smirks as they embrace. Their moment suddenly dwindles and fades as the phone rings. Frustrated, DEADEYE answers it. DEADEYE: (Angrily) Yeah? Oh, hey Captain...Yeah, I heard...Can ye phone back? I'm kinda busy? Well, I would've been had you phoned a few minutes later...Fine, we're coming. He replaces the phone and looks at NATALIE with a worried look. DEADEYE: It be them Dung-Beatles, lass. They've told us where they be givin' away our secrets. NATALIE: (Shocked) You mean to say that they've been watching us two as well? DEADEYE: I don't mean that, Natalie, I be meanin' that we know where to nab the next bilge-drinkin' backstabber! He leaps out of bed, and NATALIE follows suit. NATALIE: Rather a spectacular return to form after your randy moment, Deadeye. They both walk out of the Apartment and along a corridor. As they do, DEADEYE caresses NATALIES' buttocks. DEADEYE: Ye be tellin' me, lass. Right now, I feel a complete a**. SCENE FIVE UAC Admiralty, Genus FLEET ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE is busy working at his desk, when COLONEL RAUL MEW walks in and salutes. RYGAR returns the salute, and RAUL walks further into the room. RYGAR: How can I help you, Colonel? RAUL: (Nervously) Sir, it's about the Dung-Beatles. RYGAR: (Smiles) Ah, I see! Curious to know what's happening to them, eh? Well, you needn't worry, Colonel. RAUL: But sir, they're... RYGAR: ...Locked up tight after their interrogation. I've ordered doubled guards on patrol at the jail they're in; the Home Guard are patrolling the land surrounding it and I have Skydiver submarines all on patrol. (Laughs) Mark my words, Mew, that place is an impenetrable fortress! How could they escape? RAUL: (Mumbles) The back door was left open. RYGAR: I see. (Suddenly standing up) WHAT?! RAUL: Every door down to the main gate had been left unlocked. RYGAR: (Bellows) I GAVE NO AUTHORITY TO DO SO! WHO AUTHORIZED IT?! RAUL: We had to hire temporary guards from the Trade Union for Eunuchs, but they went on strike. Obviously, they forgot to lock the doors after them. RYGAR tries to calm down, huffing angrily. He slumps into his chair and rubs his eyes, thinking to himself. RAUL is worried, and is about to leave, when RYGAR speaks up. RYGAR: (Calmer) What on Genus ever prompted them to go on strike in the first place? RAUL: They were complaining about loss of assets, sir. RYGAR: As long as they can't get to their submarine, then we can consider them harmless. (Looks up) Colonel, I want you to get every available man on the streets hunting for them, understand? RAUL: (Gulps) Yes, sir. He slowly walks out, and RYGAR begins to scrawl down some things on paper, muttering to himself. RYGAR: (As he writes) With the amount of relief aid we have left over from those Coalition pigs that never gave any aid for us in war, then they won't get a say in this until I deem appropriate. The funding will be spent almost entirely on re-arming Genus and increasing the strength of the .S.P.A.C.E. in our fight against the Toad Menace. Any complaints made by former coalition members will be seen to in due course by myself. Looking down at his notes, RYGAR has simply been playing noughts and crosses with himself as he was dictating. SCENE SIX Peninink Village, Genus Two cars are driving towards the tiny village (one of them being Chitty). In the cars are BUCKY, JENNY, DEADEYE and NATALIE, who all pull into a small car-park close to a ruined manor house. JENNY: So, the Dung-Beatles give away their information in the ruins of a castle? NATALIE: (Reading noticeboard) Not just any ruins, Jenny. According to this, the entire village of Peninink has built up around the site of this old manor. BUCKY: Just one village? That seems a little unimpressive, in my opinion. NATALIE: Well, Polite Manor was abandoned before Peninink could develop into a town, and just shrunk back into a hamlet. But why choose here to trade information? Isolated spot? BUCKY: We'll soon know; come on. They all walk towards the ruined mansion, treading carefully as they go. They enter a section of the remains that is partially covered by a roof, where a FIGURE is waiting in the darkness, who is weary of the strangers' arrival. FIGURE: (From shadows) Hey, you're not Faul Mihearty! What's happened to him? As BUCKY slowly steaps forward, the FIGURE takes a small step backwards. Quickly, JENNY thinks of an excuse and steps forward herself. JENNY: They're in jail at the moment after a clash with the Spite Girls, so they sent us to replace them. FIGURE: (Suspiciously) Why would they send someone else? They never seem to fail to make live appearances. NATALIE: Well, give them some slack! They work eight days a week already! FIGURE: Whatever, just hand us the paperwork and I'll hand over the cash. JENNY looks over to NATALIE, who pulls a small sheet of paper from her pocket and waves it partly into the shadow. The FIGURES' gloved hand snatches it away, and tosses a few simoleons to the ground before BUCKYS' feet. As he bends down to pick it up, the FIGURE suddenly looks up angrily. FIGURE: (Growls) Wait a minute, what kind of game are you playing?! (Reads paper) "You are so busted." That doesn't make any sense! JENNY and BUCKY dive forward and grab the FIGURE before he can escape, with NATALIE and DEADEYE covering them with their maser pistols. Pulling the FIGURE out to the light, JENNY and BUCKY find that the FIGURE is a BROWN HARE, struggling to break free. DEADEYE: (Sneers) Don't try an' escape, laddy! I be havin' a pair o' pals here who might decide to hava a ball! Eventually, the BROWN HARE gives up and everyone calms down. While BUCKY handcuffs the HARE, JENNY pulls out a notebook and begins to scrawl in it. JENNY: (To hare) What's your name? HARE: Watt. JENNY: I said "What's your name?". HARE: Watt. JENNY: (Irritated) OK, your name is what? HARE: Yes. JENNY: What? HARE: (Cheekily) That's my name, don't wear it out. JENNY: No, what is your name?! HARE: (Shouts) WATT! W-A-T-T! JENNY understands her mistake, and writes down some more in her notebook. JENNY: First name? HARE: Eddy, Eddy Watt. I've got people to back me up too; just ask anyone in the village. All this time, DEADEYE and NATALIE have been searching through EDDYS' ID, and hand it to BUCKY afterward. NATALIE: He's right, Captain. Edward Watt, bartender at The Chocolate Bar and Saloon. DEADEYE: He be clean o' weapons, but I still have me doubts! BUCKY: Well, Eddy, why did you do it? EDDY: Well, after the Martian invasion, I had to re-apply for a liqueur licence. Only I don't have as much income as I used to, so re-applying wasn't cheap. JENNY: And so you became an informant just to keep your bar open. EDDY: Exactly! The Toads paid me 500 simoleons per amount I sent them, and I gave the Beatles 10 simoleons each for helping me out. NATALIE: But why did they help out? EDDY: Helps them to keep the lights on in the Yellow Submarine, doesn't it? BUCKY and JENNY drag EDDY off to the cars, while DEADEYE and NATALIE begin picking up the simoleons that are scattered about the floor; many more dropping from EDDYS' pockets as he walks away. Immediately, DEADEYE and NATALIE carefully make two piles of simoleons, cradling the unsorted loads in their arms. NATALIE & DEADEYE: (In unison as they sort the money) One for them and one for us. One for them and one for us. One for them and one for us... Once they're finished, DEADEYE and NATALIE share the one pile, and split up the other pile. Returning to the cars, they hand one pile each to BUCKY and JENNY. BUCKY: (Shrieks) Are you suggesting that we should take a prisoners money just for the sake of our own lust for gold?! DEADEYE: (Guilty tone) Well...we can always put it back. BUCKY: (Calmly) No, I could do with some carrot-juice, anyway. SCENE SEVEN Skydiver 1, The Lepdan Sea, Genus The massive brown submarine lurks about the depths, protecting the oceans from attack. VICE-ADMIRAL SAMANTHA RAVEN is on the bridge, watching the progress as she turns to look at the HELMSMAN. RAVEN: How's your head? HELMSMAN: Oh, it's fine thank you, Admiral. RAVEN simply raises her eyebrow, and the HELMSMAN acts seriously. HELMSMAN: North-East by East, Admiral; steady at 25 knots. THE RADAR-OPERATOR suddenly picks up something. OPERATOR: Admiral, I'm picking up an unidentified craft bearing 1/2 km from us and closing fast. RAVEN pulls up the periscope, and notices a yellow submarine on the surface as it heads towards them. It doesn't take RAVEN long to find out who they are. RAVEN: (Shocked) The Dung-Beatles! How did they escape custody? DUNG-BEATLES: (Singing over radio) We get by with a little help from our friends. RAVEN: Bribery! OPERATOR: Admiral, they're dropping depth-charges! Skydiver is suddenly rocked about as depth-charges explode about her. The hull strains and groans, but the DUNG-BEATLES simply cackle through the radio. DUNG-BEATLES: (Sing) Get back! Get back! Get back to where you once belonged! RAVEN: (Shouts) Helmsman! Pull back to 12 knots! All hands to launch stations! An alarm sounds, and suddenly the submarine is alive with action. RAVEN slips on a helmet and walks out of a door below the bridge. CREW-WOMAN: Ballast tanks one and two empty. CREWMAN: Adjusting to launch-angle one, now. The Skydiver submarine tips up at an angle until it is sitting diagonally in the water. THE DUNG-BEATLES watch what is happening through the portholes, and to their surprise, the front end of the Skydiver is actually an aircraft (piloted by RAVEN) that launches from the water and into the sky. DUNG-BEATLES: (Singing mockingly) Lucy in the sky with diamonds! Unfortunately for them, RAVEN opens fire on the Yellow Submarine, which explodes into a massive fireball. RAVEN: (Sneers) Pop singers! Ha! Funny how it's always the Mods that turn out evil! SCENE EIGHT A Music Hall, Genus THE INTERVIEWER previously with THE DUNG-BEATLES is now with two LEOPARDS (One male and one female) A FEMALE PANTHER and A MALE HARE, all of whom who look like members of Abba. INTERVIEWER: (To audience) Good evening, I'm here with the pop band Adda, who were previously convicted for ferrying information about the former Mammal Empire to the Communists, but have since been granted amnesty by the .S.P.A.C.E. He turns to face ADDA. INTERVIEWER: If I could speak for a moment, guys, how ironic is it that this should occur when the Dung-Beatles have been convicted for aiding the Toad Empire? HARE: (Swedish accent) It seems strange how music bands are often the most likely to become villains in the real world. INTERVIEWER: Yes, but I've been told that you all have commemorated a song to celebrate the beginning of Genus' military rule. Being the songwriter, is this true, Benny? MALE LEOPARD: That is true; it's entitled "Super Pouper", after the Boar-War hero, Lord Pouper of Warren. INTERVIEWER: Would you care to preform for the audience? HARE: Sure. They all prepare themselves, and begin to sing something similar to "Super Trouper" by Abba. The lead singers are the FEMALE LEOPARD and the FEMALE PANTHER. PANTHER & F. LEOPARD: (Singing) Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, And I will feel blue, Like I always do, 'Cos heading for the chop is... I am sick and tired of everything, Since you called me last night from Fresco, All I do is get drunk and go sing, While trying to work at Tesco, So imagine how we're fighting, When things' don't seem right, Those guns will be firing throughout the night, Tonight the Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, blasting his big bolts, (Sup-pe-per, Pou-pe-per) Using up his volts, (Sup-pe-per, Pou- pe-per) With his pair of warty dolts, Tonight the Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, and I will feel blue (Su-pe-per, Pou-pe-per) Like I always do (Sup-pe-per, Pou-pe- per) 'Cos heading for the chop is you. Racing round space in a rocket, How can anything be so bo-ring? Feeling lumps inside my pocket, While my husband is loudly sno-ring, You know I think I'm going crazy, When I don't feel right, The Toads'll be getting the worst of the fight, Tonight the Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, blasting his big bolts (Sup-pe-per, Pou-pe-per) Using up his volts, (Sup-pe-per, Pou- pe-per) With his pair of warty dolts, Tonight the Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, and I will feel blue (Su-pe-per, Pou-pe-per) Like I always do (Sup-pe-per, Pou-pe- per) 'Cos heading for the chop is you. So I shot him when you arrived, The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive, And when you take me in your arms and hold me tight, It'll be quite a little sight, Tonight the Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, blasting his big bolts (Sup-pe-per, Pou-pe-per) Using up his volts, (Sup-pe-per, Pou- pe-per) With his pair of warty dolts, Tonight the Super Pouper, Toadborg's gonna find me, and I will feel blue (Su-pe-per, Pou-pe-per) Like I always do (Sup-pe-per, Pou-pe- per) 'Cos heading for the chop is you... SCENE NINE Capitol City, Genus, the next morning VICE-ADMIRAL SAMANTHA RAVEN, BUCKY and JENNY help place the remains of the yellow submarine onto a lorry. The lorrys' side reads: RUSTY SPANNERS - SCRAP MERCHANT. In front of the lorry is an armoured police van, with EDDY WATT trapped inside. BUCKY: Well, I guess that's settled the music madness. RAVEN: For now, anyway. [OK, ist it OK tu kom bakk out now?] BUCKY: Maybe next time, Eddy will learn that money isn't everything. [Ja, it's OK tu kom out. He ist gonn.] JENNY: I still can't understand why they would use a submarine painted with badly-made custard as a base. [Zo, as ve were saying. Ve demand zat Germany getz a fair say in this Zci-Fi krap.] RAVEN: Life works in mysterious ways, Jenny. Who knows what exactly is happening at this very moment. [I'll tell you vat's happening, miss! Ve Germans are tired ov being recugnized only fur die Nazis!] BUCKY: Yes; galaxies born and dead within the space of a few minutes, and so much still to be explored outside our own universe. [Vy iz it zat die Britisch und die Amerikans get a good zay und ve are treated like doggs?] JENNY: Perhaps, Bucky, when this war is over, you and me can go exploring together. Find out what life is like beyond the Aniverse. [Hau about Germany? Ve hav nice things too. Beethoven came from Germany, you know.] BUCKY just looks at JENNY and smiles, placing his hand on hers and gazing into her eyes. [Und saw ze German flag fluttering in her eyes...argh!] Once again, we apologize for interference by outside forces. We hope to resume your film sho...urgh! Nowa, witha di imposter outta di way, it is time forr-a non-stop Italiano! Mario Benito Spaghetti - Head of Terrestrial Italian Television (.T.I.T.) THE END