Bucky O' Hare In Carry On Follow That Dalek or Carry On Spaceman or Woe of the Worlds By Andrew Norris PROLOGUE A long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time ago, In a galaxy far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far away...phew! Since the decline of the TWERPS, Noctur 4 has become safe once more, but a new fleet is assembling. After Davros sodded off from Toxus III, the Imperial Daleks have been following his scent and have concluded that the .S.P.A.C.E. are holding him hostage. Led by the Dalek Consul, it looks like the Daleks are going to bugger up everything once again in the Aniverse. SCENE ONE A Dalek Battle Cruiser somewhere in space Several DALEKS are on the bridge in a cream livery with gold globes, as well as gold eyestalks, plungers and dome lights in hoops. DALEK #1: (Staccato) Report. DALEK #2: The ion trail of the capsule has been traced to Toxus III. Evidence suggests that Renegade Daleks were also here. DALEK #1: Are the exhaust patterns of any UAC frigate also present? DALEK #3: Exhaust patterns register under the Righteous Indignation. DALEK #4: All logical evidence suggests that the Righteous Indignation captured Davros and exterminated the Renegade Daleks. DALEK #2: The capsule must have been jettisoned afterward, for the ion trail leads elsewhere. DALEK #1: Infrom the Dalek Consul of this information, while I scan for strategic points of the UAC. DALEK #2: (Trundles off) I obey. Several planets appear on the screen, including: Oceanus 7, a planet of molten lava, an ice planet and the UAC HQ. DALEK #1: Identify planets. DALEK #3: Oceanus 7: ocean planet protected by submarines. Mirana: neighbouring planet to Genus that is unprotected. Zavia: Ice planet with several scientific stations. THE DALEK CONSUL arrives on the bridge. Unlike the other DALEKS, he has a fifth row of globes and is taller. CONSUL: What have you to report? DALEK #1: We have located four strategic points necessary for the UAC. CONSUL: Satisfactory, we shall dissipate our forces and attack at once. ALL DALEKS: Understood. CONSUL: The retrieval of Davros is of foremost importance; all other concerns are secondary. Only Davros can attain victory for the Daleks. ALL DALEKS: (Chanting) Victory for the Daleks! Victory for the Daleks! Victory for the Daleks! SCENE TWO A lone rocket base on Genus Miles from anywhere in the countryside is a large spacecraft on the launch pad. The spacecraft looks similar to Saturn V, and an ASTRONAUT is seen clambering in. INSIDE A BUNKER... Nearby is a concrete bunker, and inside are BUCKY, CORPORAL NASS and COMMANDER DOGSTAR. DOGSTAR: How about it, Bucky? The first manned flight to Quanta. BUCKY: Didn't think it possible with so many glitches; highly-corrosive acid rain for one. NASS: (Into radio) Ground control to Major Tom, ground control to Major Tom. MAJOR TOM: (Over radio in a low-pitched voice) Yeah? NASS: Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. We're commencing countdown, engines on. A countdown to 10 begins as the rocket fires up. NASS: Check ignition and may Gods' love be with you. The rocket launches into space and is soon on its' way. DOGSTAR: (Chortles) Wahey! NASS: (Frowns) I'm getting a no-go, signal, and I'm losing contact with Major Tom. As soon as the rocket reaches space, it explodes in a massive fireball. BUCKY: (Furiously) What happened, Corporal?! I want results! NASS: (Checks readout) The craft had intercepted a transmat beam, and was atomized. DOGSTAR: (Gruffly) Impossible, old chap! Transmats were outdated decades ago! NASS: Well, whoever was in the transmat doesn't seem to think so. Judging by the trajectory of the beam, they were heading to the UAC HQ. BUCKY: (Calms down) Where are they heading now? NASS: The Anathema III rocket has caused the transmat to go off-course and land on the other side of Capital City. DOGSTAR: Where? SCENE THREE The Office of Political Correctness, Genus Several HARES in business suits are arguing amongst themselves in a conference. The room is bland with no wallpaper or pictures, and the HARES are all gathered around a table. HARE #1: I say that we should ban the .S.P.A.C.E. from the war as it'll offend the Toads. HARE #2: You can't say that! Then you'll offend people who aren't Toads! HARE #1: See? You're offending the Toads now! HARE #3: You shut up, you're offending the hares! HARE #2: You can't say that, then you'll offend people who aren't hares! HARE #4: Pacifists! HARE #1: Eh? HARE #4: If the .S.P.A.C.E. withdraw from the war, then we'll avoid offending the pacifists! FEMALE HARE #1: Don't say that, you'll offend the warmongers! HARE #3: You can't say that! You'll offend people who aren't warmongers! FEMALE HARE #2: Don't argue with her, you'll offend the women! HARE #2: Stop that! You're offending the men! HARE #3: (Shouts) STOP IT! If you both say that, you'll offend people who are of neutral sex! FEMALE HARE #2: Like who? HARE 3: Hermaphrodites. HARE #2: You can't say that! You'll offend people who aren't hermaphrodites! As the arguement continues, A DALEK appears out of the transmat inside the office. DALEK #5: Stay where you are! Do not move! The HARES all look up at the DALEK. DALEK #5: You are all slaves to the Dalek Empire. Surrender and you will live; resist and you will be exterminated. HARE #4: You can't say that! You're offending Communism! Everyone helps each other! FEMALE HARE #3: Don't say that! You'll offend Capitalism! DALEK #5: Democracy is a weakness, you all have only one purpose: to serve the Daleks. HARE #2: Now you're offending people who aren't Daleks, so stop it! DALEK #5: (Impatiently) Obey us or die! FEMALE HARE #1: Stop that! You're offending the dead! HARE #2: Don't say that! You'll offend the living! HARE #3: That's not necessarily true if there is life after death. FEMALE HARE #2: Don't say that! You'll offend those who don't believe in an afterlife! HARE #1: Now look what you've done! You've offended those who DO believe in an afterlife! DALEK #5: Your illogical discussion bothers me, you will all remain silent at once! FEMALE HARE #3: Do you mind? We are having a discussion about the politically incorrect world in which we live. HARE #2: You're insulting the politically incorrect! FEMALE HARE #3: So? You've just offended the politically correct! HARE #1: (Ponders) Does that mean its' politically incorrect to be politically correct? DALEK #5: (Distorted) Help! Illogical data! Cannot compute! He blows up, scattering green flesh over the blank walls. HARE #4: (Points at Dalek) Look at that! His inability to compute politics has shown how illogical Political Correctness really is. FEMALE HARE #2: Cut that out! You've just offended the logicians! SCENE FOUR The Righteous Indignation The frigate is heading off into space to locate the source of the transmat beam. JENNY: I still can't believe that Major Tom Fitzgerald was killed just like that! BUCKY: You'd better believe it, Jen. And you'd also disagree if you knew that the manned flight was just a publicity stunt to keep the public quiet. JENNY: (Sighs) Not much point, is there? Science-fiction has become science-reality. Nobody gives a monkeys about space anymore. BRUISER: (From below) I can here you up there, ya know! The computer blips to show that they have reached the transmat beam. BLINKY suddenly screams. BUCKY: (Shouts) Willy, what's happening? WILLY: (From below) It's the transmat! The particles are interfering with Blinkys' control unit. BLINKY: (Singing) Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Domo...Domo... Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto... BUCKY tries to adjust the radio frequencies to block out the transmat signals. BLINKY hums the theme from "Jeff Waynes' Musical Version of War of the Worlds" for a time until BUCKY switches off the radio. BLINKY: (Speaks as he climbs up the hatch) Humble robot is most grateful to Captain O' Hare. BUCKY: (To Willy) Willy, can you check him up? WILLY climbs up the hatch after BLINKY. WILLY: Sure, but it'll take time. BLINKY: (Sings) If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, Time after time... BUCKY: Blinky, shut up! BLINKY: (Sings) Shut up, just shut up, shut up... WILLY: DW Washburn! BUCKY: Eh? BLINKY: (Sings) DW Washburn, I heard a sweet boy say... BUCKY: What did you say that for? WILLY: It's my favourite song! He opens up Blinky while he continues singing. WILLY: It's the needle on his gyroscope. The transmat signals loosened it and its' now hooked on his neural response system. BLINKY: (Sings) I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing, That you're in love with me... BUCKY: Just get him fixed as fast as you can! Meanwhile, we've got to check on those radio signals. BLINKY: (Still singing) Video killed the radio star, Video killed the radio star... SCENE FIVE The Dalek Cruiser THE DALEK CONSUL is overlooking the bridge. CONSUL: Report. DALEK #2: Dalek sent to Genus has been destroyed; report confirms instability whilst inputting illogical data. CONSUL: What do the other Daleks report? DALEK #3: Daleks have landed successfully on Mirana and Zavia; Oceanus 7 Daleks are standing by. DALEK #4: A UAC frigate is heading towards us. The rangerscopes read five humanoids and one android aboard. CONSUL: Do our computers have an identification for this ship? DALEK #2: No, but its' ion trails match the Righteous Indignation. CONSUL: It is possible that they still have Davros on board, and are coming to discuss an ultimatum. Allow the ship to proceed, but once it docks on the Cruiser, exterminate the crew. DALEKS #1 & #2: (In unison) We obey. DALEK #3: (Into radio) This is Dalek Cruiser to Mirana Taskforce, we are reading you at Strength Four. What have you to report? SCENE SIX Planet Mirana Mirana is a planet of molten rock, with temperatures matching only stars. It is perhaps for this reason why the UAC haven't bothered to guard the planet. TWO DALEKS stand alone on Mirana, and are slowly melting as they report in. DALEK #6: (Distorted) This is Mirana Taskforce to Cruiser, we have successfully landed. DALEK #3: (Over radio) What have you to report? DALEK #7: (Incoherently) Heat...extreme...too...hot... DALEK #6: Surface temperature is 800,000 degrees centigrade. All cooling systems have failed, temperatures reaching critical. DALEK #7: Cannot...stand...heat... Both DALEKS melt into blobs of metal that mix into the lava until there is no trace left. SCENE SEVEN The Righteous Indignation JENNY and BUCKY are examining their readings while WILLY is busy repairing BLINKY. JENNY: (Looks at computer) They're Daleks alright, and they've got themselves spread out across the Aniverse. BUCKY: But why places like Mirana and Zavia? To land there would be suicide! JENNY: Either these Daleks are incredibly durable, or their strategist is a complete idiot. BLINKY: (Twitches) Humble robot suggests that these Daleks are strangers to Aniverse. BUCKY: It's possible, but then why do they act like complete morons? BLINKY mutters unintelligibly as WILLY hits a soft part, but soon settles down. JENNY: What did he say? WILLY: (Continues repairing) Nothing in particular, he gobbledegooked. BUCKY: You never told me that Blinky could eat food! JENNY: Bucky! The Daleks on Mirana have just gone off the scanners! BUCKY: (Sternly) Transmat? JENNY: No! It's like they just...died. BUCKY: Jenny, I believe the latter was correct...their leader is a complete idiot. WILLY: We'll soon know when we hear what the reports on Zavia say. SCENE EIGHT Zavia The planet is bitterly cold, and consists of nothing but ice-caps and snow everywhere. THREE DALEKS are making their way through the snow, but are covered in frost, with icicles dangling from their eyestalks. DALEK #8: What is the current distance between here and the base? DALEK #9: Another 1/8 mile until we arrive at location. DALEK #10 is having trouble as his globes fall off in the cold weather. DALEK #10: (Shivers) We must hurry, I am freezing my balls off. They eventually arrive at a small geodesic dome made out of thick metal plates. Near the door is a lock-mechanism and a sign reading UAC GYNAECOLOGY RESEARCH STATION - ZAVIA. DALEK #8: Will attempt over-ride on locking mechanism now. He places the plunger over the mechanism and the door swings open. DALEKS # and #9 enter the station, and hold the two PANTHER SCIENTISTS at gunpoint. DALEK #9: Stay where you are! Do not move! The SCIENTISTS both put their hands up and move to one side. DALEK #8: What is the purpose of this research station? SCIENTIST #1: (Whimpers) We...we are conducting experiments in Gynaecology for the UAC. DALEK #8: What kind of experiments? SCIENTIST #1: We're testing to see if hysterectomy operations can be performed in sub-zero temperatures. DALEK #9: Are there any other people situated at this base? SCIENTIST #2: No, there is only us two. DALEK #8: This base is of strategic importance to the Daleks. You will co-operate, or you will be exterminated. SCIENTIST #1: (Panics) But why do this? Surely we can at least share the planet! DALEK #9: We will be the rulers here; we will share nothing. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! They try to fire their guns, but only ice and sleet drip out after the bitter cold. THE SCIENTISTS look bewildered and confused. DALEK #8: Where is our third escort? They both look outside, and find that DALEK #10 has frozen to death, completely covered in ice and snow. THE SCIENTISTS begin to move in on the two DALEKS. DALEK #9: Is it too late to accept your offer of sharing this planet? SCENE NINE Oceanus VII VICE-ADMIRAL SAMANTHA RAVEN is sat in her office, speaking to BUCKY on a videophone. BUCKY: Keep your eyes open for Daleks, ma'am. We've had reports of sightings on Mirana and more recently Zavia; I think Oceanus might be next on the list. RAVEN: Thank you, Captain. We'll keep our eyes open for you, and I'll pass the message on to all Skydivers, out. She changes frequency. RAVEN: This is Vice-Admiral Raven to all Skydiver personnel: keep watch for any Dalek-related activities on Oceanus. Report to me if you spot anything, that is all. She starts scribbling something on a piece of paper, which turns out to be a doodle of herself as a muscular athlete. The caption she has written reads: SUPER-RAVEN, THE BUNNY-GIRL WITH ATTITUDE. SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: (On radio) Skydiver 5 to Admiral Raven, do you read us? Over. RAVEN: (Flicks radio) Vice-Admiral Raven here, what's the trouble? Over. SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: We've found two Daleks on the sea-bed. They haven't been here very long, but it looks like they've drowned. RAVEN: Have you got an expert looking them over? SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: Yes, ma'am. We've got the ships' vet examining them now. RAVEN: (Whines) Why in the name of HG Wells did you send the veterinarian? SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: (Pause) Well, I didn't think her religion had anything to do with it. RAVEN: Never mind, just get me a report on their condition at once! SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: Just a minute, ma'am... the vet says he's no metallurgist... RAVEN: (Sarcastically) That was quick thinking, I must say! SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: (Continued) ...But the Dalek casings weren't waterproof and the outer shell simply seized up while the insides were soaked. RAVEN: So it's more or less a case of drowning? SKYDIVER 5 PILOT: Yes, ma'am, it would seem so. SCENE TEN The Dalek Cruiser THE DALEK CONSUL is still overlooking everything. CONSUL: What are the latest reports? DALEK #1: Both Mirana and Zavia forces have been destroyed: Oceanus 7 reports death by drowning. CONSUL: What of the other planets? DALEK #2: Quanta force destroyed by severe acid rain corroding Dalekenium casings; Toxus 4 force destroyed by severe atmospheric pressure. CONSUL: And the Daleks assigned to Fartus Major? DALEK #1: (Looks up) It would be better if that query was not answered. CONSUL: And what of the Righteous Indignation? DALEK #4: Still proceeding towards us, attempting to contact now. BUCKY: (Over radio) This is Captain O' Hare to Dalek ship, surrender yourselves and explain your purposes here. CONSUL: The Daleks never surrender; you will hand Davros over to us. BUCKY: Davros? What makes you think that we have Davros? CONSUL: The evidence on Toxus 3 suggests that you captured Davros and jettisoned his capsule. BUCKY: And how do you know that Davros still wasn't inside the capsule? CONSUL: We... (realizes his error) ...why did you jettison the capsule? BUCKY: We didn't; Davros chickened out when the "other" Daleks came to fetch him. We had nothing to do with it. CONSUL: You lie, you will hand over Davros! The Righteous Indignation opens fire all around the ship. DALEK #4 prepares the laser cannons. CONSUL: (Barks) Stand down! Davros may be aboard. DALEK #4: But they are attacking us! CONSUL: We must respect our leader, Davros! Do not open fire! DALEK #4 unwillingly obeys the order, while several alarms go off at once. DALEK #2: Our engines are failing, being pulled off-course towards the sun. DALEK #3: All weapons are immobilized, we are defenceless. CONSUL: All Daleks on the bridge to fall back to the Escape Unit. DALEK #1: All Escape Pods have been jettisoned. BUCKY: Maybe next time, you'll actually plan a proper strategy before you jump into the battle! He severs the radio link, and the Righteous hovers nearby as the Cruiser is pulled towards the sun by the large gravitational force. On board, the DALEKS are losing hope. DALEK #1: We have failed the Emperor, the Daleks have failed. DALEK #4: All emergency and auxiliary power reserves are malfunctioning, we cannot leave the cruiser. DALEK #3: Death is no fear to us. CONSUL: Elaborate your explanation. DALEK #3: Dalek life is all that is of concern, but the Daleks are fearless, and we should not be afraid of death. CONSUL: What is your suggestion? DALEK #3: Well... (Sings) Always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the light side of life, If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing. And always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the right side of life, For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word, You must always face the curtain with a bow, Forget about your sin, Give the audience a grin... ALL DALEKS: (Joining in) Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, So, always look on the bright side of death, Just before you draw your terminal breath... DALEK #3: (Solo) Life's a piece of s***, When you look at it, Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep on laughing as you go, Just remember that the last laugh is on you, ALL DALEKS: And always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the right side of life, Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life... The song continues as the cruiser heads on a collision course with the sun. THE END EPILOGUE Genus Control Centre COLONEL RAUL MEW and CORPORAL NASS are listening in on the commotion, when NASS looks up. NASS: I don't believe it (!) RAUL: What? What is it? NASS: (Stammers) I thought...I thought I heard... RAUL: What did you hear, Corporal? NASS: I thought I heard singing, sir.