Bucky O' Hare In Chitty Chitty Whir Whir By Andrew Norris & Natalie Farrell SCENE ONE The Righteous Indignation, Out in space The frigate is trekking along at a steady pace en route back to Genus. SECONDARY GUNNER NATALIE FARRELL and BUCKY are having an argument. NATALIE: (Whines) Please? BUCKY: No! NATALIE: Pretty please? I'm sure the UAC would allow it! BUCKY: Forget it, Natalie! I am not allowing you to borrow my car for the whole week of shore leave just to drive it back and forth all over Genus! NATALIE: If I got my own, then would it be all right? JENNY: Sorry, Natalie, but you know that you're pay won't be enough to both pay your debts and buy yourself a car. NATALIE: But I could start saving up! I might get enough if I worked overtime with the Home Guard! BUCKY: And then you'd have to wait for your next shore leave! Besides, the Home Guard works around the clock now and the only way to stop would be to leave it altogether! Besides, you'd have to keep transferring, and that takes far too long. NATALIE: (Calm) I'll think of something, I'm sure of it. JENNY: Of course you will, Natalie. Just try and speak to a few friends and see if you can come up with something. SCENE TWO UAC Officer's Bar, Later that night NATALIE is having a drink with DEADEYE and WILLY, all of them going over a few car magazines from across the Aniverse. WILLY browses through one and slaps it down on the table. WILLY: I can't find any car that all three of us can afford, not altogether anyway. NATALIE: (Sips her drink) All I really want is a car that is easy to drive and has panache. DEADEYE: Aye, that's why people drive 'em lass, cos they've got style! WILLY: I know how to fix up cars, but I just don't know how to drive them, that's all. DEADEYE: (Annoyed) We've looked through every magazine from Auto Weekly down to Zeta Motorist! We'll never find it! They overhear SUB-LIEUTENANT ANDREW NORRIS talking to HANNAH on an adjacent table. ANDREW: I used to like driving her around, but I gave her up when I hung up the cape. HANNAH: So, what, did you sell it off in a raffle? ANDREW: (Laughs) I kept her for a while, until I was forced to sell her off for scrap metal. Nowadays, I only drive spaceships. WILLY: (Whispers) Maybe he can help us find a car. DEADEYE: I don't like it, Willy me lad. He might just be talkin' about an aircraft or somethin'! NATALIE: We never know until we try. Besides, he's a junior officer. He can buy the car for us and we just pay him back! WILLY: But my pay from the UAC is zero! I can't put up my share! DEADEYE: Just say you'll fix up Fireball XL6 for him and maybe that'll call it even! NATALIE: We'll wait until he's gone back to his apartment, and then we'll ask him. SCENE THREE Andrew's Apartment, 1:00 AM ANDREW is about to open up his apartment, when NATALIE, DEADEYE and WILLY all walk up to him. ANDREW looks down. ANDREW: Can I help you three at all? DEADEYE: Aye, you can laddy! Just tell my chums here that you were talkin' about your days as a jet pilot to Hannah and not some car so I can get back to bed! ANDREW: (Laughs) Sorry, Deadeye. But I was indeed talking about a car. DEADEYE: (Stunned) What? ANDREW: Just because I like railways doesn't mean I use them to get around as well. Come and have a look. He opens the apartment and switches on the light. NATALIE moves in and closes the door behind her after DEADEYE and WILLY have walked in. ANDREW moves over to one of his old railway books entitled: LONDON MIDLAND & SCOTTISH RAILWAY FIRE BRIGADE MANUAL, 1935. Out of it pops a colour photo of a bright green car resembling a jet aircraft in some places. On the tailfin are the capital letters CB in dark blue. The trio is amazed at the sight of it. WILLY: (Awestruck) That's your car?! ANDREW: (Smiles) It used to be. When I was still Chuck Bodgers, and this is the first time that I've actually shown anyone this photo, I drove her whenever the jetpack gave me trouble. I called it the Chuckmobile. NATALIE takes the photo and looks it all over. NATALIE: And you sold it off for scrap? ANDREW: I had to, as no other superhero wanted to buy it. They all had their own. I have only one piece of it left. He moves over to his Chuck Bodgers suit and pulls out a piece of machinery looking like a piece of blue card covered in circuits. ANDREW: The X-250 Speed Enhancer, only three were ever made. I own the only one to exist in the Aniverse. DEADEYE: Who be the landlubbers who have the other two? ANDREW: (Strokes the machine) Superman and Cyborg. I tell you, the Teen Titans sure do treat that thing with respect! Who wouldn't, though? Whoever invented this was obviously someone a century ahead of his time! NATALIE straightens herself and places the photo back where she came from. NATALIE: (To Andrew) I think it's time we came to the point. You're a junior officer in the. S.P.A.C.E. right? ANDREW: (Puts back Enhancer) Well, I'm one of the lower officers, yes. Why? WILLY: That's what we came to see you about. We're on shore leave, and we want a super-cool car like Bucky, but we can't buy one as we're not officers! DEADEYE: (Crosses his heart) We promise to pay ye back, you have me word as a pirate! ANDREW: All right. I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise anything. NATALIE: (Smiles) Thanks, Andy! You're the best! SCENE FOUR Genus Control Centre, Next Morning Following the thunderstorm, the Control Tower has been rebuilt and put back into place, with only small remains of the old tower here and there. BUCKY and JENNY are relaxing in casual wear just outside the gates, talking to 2ND LIEUTENANT FRANCIS REGINALD of the Genus Home Guard, who is currently on patrol. BUCKY: So, how are things since I stepped down? FRANCIS: Well, the new platoon contains only a handful of people transferred from Captain Squirrel's mob. I'm surprised how its popularity has shrunk since we expanded operations. JENNY: Maybe it just needs a little extra something to entice more people in. FRANCIS: An opportunity like that hasn't come along since we bought a tank. I'll think of something. (Salutes) Good day, Captain. He marches off down the street, when NATALIE appears with DEADEYE. NATALIE is now wearing a plain shirt with jeans to match. DEADEYE remains in his suit to start work on the Righteous. DEADEYE: (Cheerful) Mornin' Cap'n! I'm all ready to get the ol' Righteous shipshape! BUCKY: Deadeye, this is your shore leave. Are you sure that you want to spend it on fixing up the ship? NATALIE: (Perky) Anything to help the UAC, shore leave or not! JENNY: If you do a good job, we'll put you in for commendation. See you later. JENNY and BUCKY walk off together down the street. Neither of them see that DEADEYE and NATALIE are giving each other a high-five. DEADEYE: (Laughs) We fooled 'em lass! NATALIE: Great! You stay here and I'll go collect our car! DEADEYE: (Stammers) B...But what can I do? NATALIE: (Jokingly) Try getting the ol' Righteous shipshape? DEADEYE snatches an oily cloth from the floor and starts to wipe it over the Righteous Indignations' hull. NATALIE sneaks around to the other side of the Tower where ANDREW, now baggy-eyed, is waiting by a tarpaulin- covered object. ANDREW: (Sleepily) OK, it took me all night and only three minutes of sleep this morning but I finally found a car you might like. NATALIE is awe-impressed as the tarpaulin is thrown off to reveal a beautiful silver car with copper and brass fittings. The car has a slanted radiator and streamlined covers over the headlights, along with a large tailfin on the rear. Several exhausts are fixed on the back, and underneath these is the number plate, reading GEN 12, as well as it being inscribed on the tailfin. ANDREW tries hard not to fall asleep. ANDREW: (Yawns) A rare Toyoza B1000 Twelve-Cylinder Diesel, vintage 2066, back when cars still looked classy. Only ten were ever made and the company went broke. I remember that You've-Got-It-Wrong Man had one once, called it "The Mathmobile". NATALIE: Where did you find it? ANDREW: A dealer from Canis II. The guy certainly was keen to sell it. NATALIE: (Rubs the bonnet) Thanks, Andy! You're the greatest! He hands NATALIE the keys, and the car roars to life. NATALIE: (Surprised) It's like Colonel Mew when he's tipsy! ANDREW tries hard not to laugh at this comment. NATALIE: So, how much was she? ANDREW: (Pause) Enough. NATALIE notices a piece of paper on the seat of the car in Aniversian. Having been used to the writing for so long, NATALIE reads it. NATALIE: (Shocked) You paid 900,000 simoleons for a car?! ANDREW: Not exactly. My commission allowed only 100,000 simoleons, but as he was a scrap dealer, I let him have one of my old whistles. NATALIE: So, Deadeye and me need to scrape together 800,000 while Willy washes the XL6 for eternity, huh? ANDREW: (Walking off) See what you think of the car, first. Me, all I want now is sleep. As NATALIE continues to make the car rev its' engine, CORPORAL NASS appears from the top of the tower with an angry look on his face. NASS: (Shouts) Natalie, we're trying to work up here, so if you want to do that, go somewhere else! NATALIE: Sorry! She drives the car through the gates and straight past DEADEYE, who looks bemused. DEADEYE: That ain't no car! That's a can o' Canopian Space Leeches! He continues to brush up on the Righteous, unaware of a figure lurking in an alleyway. The figure is FRANKENSTOAT, who is watching the car through a pair of binoculars. He is obviously impressed. FRANKENSTOAT: (Smiles) So, a rare car with state-of-the-art equipment, eh? Just the thing I need to complete my little project for the Air Marshal. First, I need to try and find a way of trapping it. He thinks for a moment before slipping into the darkness. SCENE FIVE A country road outside the Capital City NATALIE is driving her car towards a small road bridge ahead, with her car purring like a kitten. FRANKENSTOAT is at the bridge, and has set up some fog detonators along the road to scare the driver and crash into a giant glowing fishing net hanging from the roof of the bridge. FRANKENSTOAT: Plan A is about to commence. He laughs slyly. NATALIE hears some honking behind her, and sees a large green double-decker bus behind her. The DRIVER, a white hare, is trying to overtake, and is throwing a tantrum at the fact that he can't. DRIVER: (Honking horn) Get out of my way! Move over you hairless cow! NATALIE: (Offended) And the same to you! She turns off onto a small grass verge before the bridge, and the bus drives on, still with its horn parping, and flies through the fog detonators and into the net. Having seen this, NATALIE turns around and drives away. FRANKENSTOAT looks up at the DRIVER with disgust. DRIVER: (Roaring) What the frell are you playing at, man? FRANKENSTOAT: (Calmly) A little game called Dress Up. He knocks the driver unconscious and pulls him off the bus and into a hedge. A moment later, FRANKENSTOAT re-emerges wearing the DRIVERS' uniform and has his fur neatened and straight. After dragging the net off the empty bus, he drives the Bus back in the direction that NATALIE took. FURTHER UP THE ROAD... NATALIE is still driving around, with the Bus driving up behind her. She gets nervous. NATALIE: (Thinks) < What is this guy playing at? > She signals for him to overtake, but FRANKENSTOAT ignores this, and accelerates. NATALIE: (Thinks) < This guy means business! > With the bus continuing to speed up, she quickly turns off the road and crashes through a wooden gate, leading onto a disused country road. FRANKENSTOAT: (Thinks) < Come on, little mouse, kitty only wants to play. > He accelerates after her. The car is still accelerating even with FRANKENSTOAT on full power trying to pursue the vehicle. Ahead is a narrow bridge with the road passing underneath. As NATALIE drives straight through it, the bus simply becomes lodged, as its top deck cannot squeeze through. FRANKENSTOAT looks up from the smashed windscreen to see NATALIE driving away. FRANKENSTOAT: (Growls) If she doesn't stop in time, she'll crash into the ravine and another precious machine will have gone. Sure enough, a large crevasse ahead causes the road to fall down into a deep ravine. NATALIE doesn't see this in time and the car plunges into oblivion, but a light suddenly flashes on the dashboard followed by a voice. VOICE: (Buzzing) Upthrust sequence engaged. Three large green discs glow brightly on the underside of the vehicle, and it floats into the air. Suddenly, the controls of the car now control this aircraft. NATALIE: Cool! She drives it through the air and performs one or two stunts, including the loop-de-loop, before heading back towards the city. SCENE SIX Genus Control Centre DEADEYE is getting tired of scrubbing the ship, which is by now incredibly spotless. He is about to fall asleep, when the sudden honk of a car horn startles him. Turning around, he sees NATALIE inside the car. He is about to yell at her for scaring him, but suddenly notices that the car is floating. DEADEYE: (Dumbfounded) Gee, lassie, what have ye been feeding that thing? There be no gasoline I know that can pack a wallop like that! NATALIE: I don't know. Andy never said anything about it; perhaps he sneaked it in as a surprise. DEADEYE: (Laughs) Ol' Railway-boy fiddlin' with cars? That's a hoot! NATALIE: All right, we'll see him ourselves about it. Get in. He uneasily clambers in, and the car suddenly returns to normal. DEADEYE: Hey! What happened? NATALIE: (Flicking switches) I don't know, I can't find anything that'll turn it back on! With the flick of one switch, the car reverses at high speed and crashes into a wall, before driving uncontrollably down the road. BUCKY and JENNY return to the Centre the moment the car is out of sight. BUCKY: (Moans) Of all the things to forget, I would have to forget my wallet! A... He looks impressed at the appearance of the Righteous. JENNY: Looks like Deadeye sure did a good job! Over by the wall where Natalie's car crashed, FRANKENSTOAT, crippled and battered, slowly looks out of a dustbin caught in the impact. FRANKENSTOAT: (Sings, Drearily) We'll meet again. Don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. He falls unconscious, though this goes on unnoticed by BUCKY and JENNY. SCENE SEVEN A Street in Capital City, Sometime Later The vehicle is driving frenziedly through the town, knocking over stalls and carts. NATALIE is trying to regain control, but the steering wheel is frozen solid. Outside the Council Building, GRIFF is about to leave the centre, when he sees the car stopping only a few inches from him. NATALIE and DEADEYE relax at the fact that they've stopped, but GRIFF is in utter shock. GRIFF: (Roars) What the devil's the meaning of this? NATALIE: (Apologetically) I'm sorry, Vice-Chairman, but... GRIFF: But nothing girl! Look how much damage you've caused! He points to the damaged stools and angry shopkeepers waving their fists and cursing at the three. GRIFF: Get that thing over to the impounding yard at once! DEADEYE: But, Griff, with respect... GRIFF: (Bellows) DO IT! NOW! NATALIE and DEADEYE give a mournful salute, before driving the car around a corner and out of sight. Just as they do so, the car immediately stops again. DEADEYE: (Whines) What now? NATALIE tries the ignition, but gets no response. Ahead of them is FRANKENSTOAT, heavily laden with bandages, and with an enormous silver bazooka aimed at the car. FRANKENSTOAT: (Shouts) Get out of that car! NATALIE pulls out a maser pistol, but it is shot out of her hand and disintegrates. FRANKENSTOAT: Come on! Get out of that car! They do, with their hands up in the air. None of them notice the headlamps of the car following NATALIE and DEADEYE as they move. FRANKENSTOAT: (Aims gun at Natalie) Give me the keys or I'll blast you into atoms! She fumbles around for the keys in her pocket, not knowing that they are still in the car. FRANKENSTOAT becomes impatient. FRANKENSTOAT: Never mind, I'll blow them out of you instead. DEADEYE leaps up and grabs the bazooka from FRANKENSTOAT. The car suddenly bursts to life and bombards itself towards the pesky weasel, trapping FRANKENSTOAT between the wall and the front bumper. DEADEYE levels the bazooka to FRANKENSTOAT'S head. DEADEYE: (Defiantly) Hands up, matey, you're under arrest! FRANKENSTOAT does as he is told, and several police cars arrive who also level their guns with FRANKENSTOAT. SCENE EIGHT A Weapons Testing Room, Toxus One WING COMMANDER SLUDGE, TOAD AIR MARSHAL and KOMPLEX are all observing a new bomb being tested from behind several inches of virtually indestructible glass. Three planks of wood lie in the room with the bomb to simulate a living creature. KOMPLEX: Are we ready to proceed, Wing Commander? SLUDGE: At your command, mighty KOMPLEX. AIR MARSHAL: (Sneers) I assume the Empire will get what it's paying for now that we've the schematics for a new G-Bomb. KOMPLEX: (Frowns) The same was said about a Toad Empress, and we still didn't get what we wanted! SLUDGE: (Into microphone) Standby for detonation. Five, four, three, two, one. Ignition. He presses a button, but nothing happens. KOMPLEX: Are you certain that there are no malfunctions with your equipment, Sludge? SLUDGE: (Nervous) Positive, sir. It was all checked before the experiment was to begin. A slim TOAD in a sky-blue uniform arrives and salutes to WING COMMANDER SLUDGE and TOAD AIR MARSHAL. TOAD: (Cowardly voice) Pilot Officer Adder reporting, sirs. The components for the G-Bomb to be delivered by Frankenstoat have not arrived. KOMPLEX: And why is this? ADDER: We've lost all contact with Frankenstoat, sir. We're still tracing his whereabouts. KOMPLEX: Very good, thank you, Adder for the information. PILOT OFFICER ADDER salutes and walks off. KOMPLEX thinks for a moment. KOMPLEX: (Out loud) Where is he? SCENE NINE Outside Genus Control Centre, Genus BUCKY, JENNY, DEADEYE and NATALIE are all watching a news report on a small portable TV. A FEMALE DOG is reading out the news. DOG: Yesterday, a runaway car caused much damage in and around the Capital City of Genus. Barely a few moments later, both it and its occupants had successfully captured the elusive Frankenstoat after many failed attempts to bring the villain to justice. The victors, Natalie Farrell and Deadeye Duck of the United Animals Coalition, were both commended for their actions by Admiral Tina Starfire of the .S.P.A.C.E. And now the sports news. Northchester Rovers were at home today with flu, while... BUCKY turns off the TV and looks up at DEADEYE and NATALIE and smiles. BUCKY: What you two get up during shore leave, I've no idea. I suppose you deserve to keep your car after all. JENNY: Speaking of which... She looks at the car next to them, where ANDREW is working on the engine with the bonnet open. DEADEYE: Say, Andy! ANDREW moves to get up but hits his head on the bonnet. ANDREW: (Rubs his head) Ow! What is it? NATALIE: Have you found out why the car acted the way it did? ANDREW: I'm not a mechanic, that's for sure, but it was being commanded to do all those actions every time you hit a random control. The extra bells and whistles were part of a giant logic puzzle acting in several different sequences every time it was used. NATALIE: Well, that's good to know, I suppose. ANDREW: (Worried) I wouldn't say that just yet. JENNY: Why? ANDREW: the car didn't activate the logical controls. Someone outside activated them. BUCKY'S eyes widen. BUCKY: (Thinks) < But who else could've known about the car? > SCENE TEN A small house in India, Planet Earth, Year 2072 A strapping young man, ISHAAN ARORA, is reading a large book of entitled "Advanced Dentistry for the Inquiring Mind". He is sat in a small room surrounded in superhero memorabilia, mainly newspaper clippings, comics, and in a glass cabinet is a scarlet superhero outfit with a yellow eye- mask and matching boots and gloves. The superhero logo is similar to Superman, but four letters, YGIW, are all squeezed in. ISHAAN looks up and remembers. ISHAAN: (Indian Accent) Those were the days before the superhero ban, then it was all over. He picks up a picture of NATALIE'S car on his desk and looks at it. ISHAAN: the Mathmobile and Me. The numerical heroes, Saviours of algebra and long division. He turns back to the superhero outfit. ISHAAN: Those were great times, eh, You've-Got-It-Wrong Man? THE END