Bucky O' Hare In One Van Damme Thing After Another By Andrew Norris & Natalie Farrell SCENE ONE The Toad Homeworld TOADBORG enters from a balcony that overlooks a small lounge. The lounge is full of angry TOADS who seem to be rebelling. The door slams shut behind him, concealing the angry jeers of the TOADS outside. TOADBORG walks up to a computer screen where KOMPLEX is waiting. TOADBORG: There is great unrest in the Toad populous, mighty KOMPLEX. They appear to be breaking free of their brainwashing. KOMPLEX: I am aware of that, Toadborg, and I have traced the problem to radio interference beyond our borders. It is weakening my power over the Toad population, and even appears to withstand the secondary units. TOADBORG: We must do something soon; mighty KOMPLEX, or the Empire will crumble from within. KOMPLEX: Indeed. Have the ST restore order and get a team of scientists working on the source of that radio beam. TOADBORG: As you command, mighty KOMPLEX. KOMPLEX: (To himself) This is certainly very strange, nothing can be as powerful as I. Even so, who or what could be? SCENE TWO Natalie Farrell's Apartment, Genus NATALIE is slouched on her bed as she watches an action film on her TV set. The DVD case shows that the film is "Street Fighter", and the look on NATALIE'S face suggests that this is her favourite film. NATALIE is in her early twenties, and is dressed in a suit similar to that of COLONEL RAUL MEW, and has straight, brown hair, almost curtaining her two green eyes. As the scene on the TV draws to a brief close, WILLY enters with some popcorn from the small "kitchen" area of the Apartment. WILLY: Buttered Popcorn, easy on the salt. NATALIE: Thanks, Willy. You're a pal. WILLY: Say, Natalie. There's one thing that's been bugging me. How did you get on the Righteous anyway? I can't remember the story very well. NATALIE: (Quietly) This is something I find hard to describe... FLASHBACK, A SPACECRAFT ORBITING PLANET NEPTUNE... The spacecraft is a small and very old model when compared to Mammal technology. The craft is overall silver, with a large bubble on it's back. Inside the ship is a very young NATALIE, dressed in a clean blue suit with silver lining. Sitting in a desk at the centre of the tiny bridge is a slim young man with brown hair and darting silver eyes. He wears a similar suit to NATALIE but of overall green with some dark patches, and a matching Officer's cap bearing a globe surrounded by laurels and a spaceship running through the middle. NATALIE: Captain, the ship is now in orbit of Planet Neptune, we're ready to make scans. CAPTAIN: Very good, Lieutenant. I'll report to HQ. He flicks a switch concealed in his armrest. CAPTAIN: This is Captain Jack Meteor to Galactic Protectorate HQ. We are orbiting Planet Neptune and are preparing to make scans. HQ: (On radio) Acknowledged, Captain Meteor; Protectorate HQ out. JACK: (To Natalie) Lieutenant Farrell, do you know the exact date? NATALIE: Well, July 19th 2531, sir. Why? JACK: Lieutenant, I have worked with you and the Galactic Protectorate for several years now, and I need to confess something. NATALIE: What is it, sir? If you're tired of working on a Scouting Vessel, then you're not the only one. JACK: No, it is that I have built feelings for you over time, and I wish to ask you out on a date. NATALIE: (Shocked) Captain, I am not ready for such an engagement, and I find it most uncomfortable to ask me out like this! JACK: (Sly) Then let me put it a different way. I order you to go out with me, or there will be something nasty to follow. NATALIE: Are you threatening me, Captain? JACK: Only if I don't have my way. Now I shall not tell you again, Lieutenant Farrell! NATALIE: Captain, you're mad! JACK: Am I? He pulls out a gun and fires at NATALIE. She dodges the blast but a computer behind her is put out of service. NATALIE runs through the door at the rear of the ship and locks it behind her. The bubble fires into space with NATALIE inside, proving that it is an escape pod. The small ship speeds off into space at a high speed, leaving the small Scouting Vessel far behind. The capsule accelerates and accelerates until it begins to slow down. NATALIE notices that she is inside a tightly packed solar system. A small monitor buzzes inside the pod. NATALIE: (Relieved) Great, a ship! Now I can have Captain Meteor thrown in the clink and my life back to normal! The Righteous Indignation slowly hovers into view. NATALIE: This is Lieutenant Natalie Farrell of the Galactic Protectorate to spacecraft; please identify yourselves, over. BUCKY: (On radio) This is Captain Bucky O' Hare of the United Animals Coalition, please state your business, Lieutenant. NATALIE: Coalition? BACK IN NATALIES APARTMENT... WILLY: So, you were a Lieutenant from my future? NATALIE: Yes, I hated those times. The same old drill and the same old scouting missions. Any time I got to myself was always lost with another job to do. I sure was glad when Bucky took me in. WILLY: Yeah, that was shortly before Andy joined the ranks. There is a knock on the door. NATALIE: Come in if you're hunky and hate Toads. DEADEYE slowly opens the door; he looks confused. NATALIE: (Hugs Deadeye) Hi Deadeye, what's wrong. DEADEYE: It be them Toadies, they're startin' a mutiny! WILLY: Mutiny? DEADEYE: Aye, they're turnin' against KOMPLEX. Some kind o' radio beam be scramblin' their computers. Ol' Nass be workin' on it now. The three exit as the "Street Fighter" film draws to the ending credits. SCENE THREE The Toad Homeworld Several TOAD citizens are rioting in the metal corridors as they throw bottles of liqueur and bricks at TV screens depicting KOMPLEX'S face. Some TOADS are scribbling graffiti on a propaganda poster for the Toad Military. Some of the crowd begin to run off in fear as members of the ST, the elite protection squad of the Toad Army, begin to quench the rioting. In one place, a fight is breaking out. TOAD #1: You ST (BLEEP)...ers are just making things worse! TOAD #2: Yeah, you're supposed to be helping us, not killing us! ST TOAD #1: You have no place but to obey KOMPLEX! TOAD #1: What? After all the crap he's given us about this war? ST TOAD #2: The war is for the glory of KOMPLEX. TOAD #1: By killing mammals? TOAD #3: Yeah, what have mammals ever done to us? TOAD #2: Lieutenant Horst was right; we should have never listened to KOMPLEX! ST TOAD #1: You will obey KOMPLEX! ST TOAD #1 shoots TOAD #2. As the corpse falls to the ground, the group break out in a struggle. As the fight continues, the blade of a sword is inserted into TOAD #1's spine. He collapses to the ground, as COMMANDER CREELVARD VALTHOU looks down on the group. Unaffected by the de-brainwashing, CREELVARD simply walks off without saying another word. INSIDE THE CONTROL ROOM... TOADBORG is present with THE TOAD FIELD MARSHAL & TOAD AIR MARSHAL. On an enormous screen, KOMPLEX watches them as they talk. TOADBORG: The matter is very grave, mighty KOMPLEX. There is great unrest on the Homeworld, and all the time, the signal is increasing. FIELD MARSHAL: I've got every member of he ST out on the streets, and I'm still short-handed. Commander Valthou is chasing rioters all across the Homeworld! KOMPLEX: Commander Valthou appears to be the only person left I can still trust. Air Marshal, have you found the source of the beam? AIR MARSHAL: Yes, mighty KOMPLEX. The beam is coming from the Apartment of Natalie Farrell on Genus. FIELD MARSHAL: But it is impossible for mammal technology to be more powerful over our machinery. KOMPLEX: It is of concern, Field Marshal, but the mammals are not to blame. A picture of NATALIE and some Aniversian text show up on a hologram in front of them. KOMPLEX: Miss Farrell is a human being from another dimension during the 24th Century. Her military skills are incredible. I can recall a certain Air Marshal who attempted to indoctrinate her into the Toad Empire with a suave personality. AIR MARSHAL gulps, it is clear that he is not proud of that memory. KOMPLEX: What is the nearest Toad Cruiser? TOADBORG: Wing Commander Sludge is the nearest, but whether he is still loyal is unknown, mighty KOMPLEX. KOMPLEX: Air Marshal, contact Wing Commander Sludge and see his response. AIR MARSHAL: As you command, O mighty KOMPLEX. He moves over to a small radio set in the far corner of the room. AIR MARSHAL: This is The Toad Air Marshal calling Wing Commander Sludge, do you read me? SLUDGE: (On radio) Actually, I read this book about how horrible we Toads have become! What's on your end, Amy? AIR MARSHAL: This is your commanding officer speaking! SLUDGE: Yeah, talking a lot of bilge, and I'm not referring to Sergeant Ignatius Bilge. AIR MARSHAL severs the link, furious and shaken. AIR MARSHAL: I'm afraid even our own personnel have turned against us, mighty KOMPLEX. KOMPLEX: So it seems. (Turns to Field Marshal) Field Marshal, I want you to send Captain Pritchard to Genus and restore order. FIELD MARSHAL: Mighty KOMPLEX, Captain Pritchard is currently on Court Martial following the previous invasion of Genus. KOMPLEX: So? Get him out. I don't care if it means bending the rules. FIELD MARSHAL: As you command, mighty KOMPLEX. He exits, with TOADBORG close behind. SCENE FOUR Genus Control Centre CORPORAL NASS is once again at his desk, with BUCKY, WILLY, DEADEYE, NATALIE & DOGSTAR present. They are all watching an oscilloscope on NASS'S desk picking up delicate vibrations from across space. NASS: There's no doubt about it. A powerful radio wave is emanating from UAC Apartment block on Trotter's Lane. It appears to be so powerful, that... DOGSTAR: What? NASS: (Takes off headphones) Have a listen, I'm listening in on a Toad Cruiser nearby. BUCKY takes the headphones and listens. In the background is the sound of a stereo playing a spoof of "Your Love Is Lifting Me Higher", sung by some rock star as "Your Wart Is Lifting Me Higher". Amidst the drunken singing comes the voice of WING COMMANDER SLUDGE. SLUDGE: (Drunkenly, on radio) Shish...(Hiccups)...This is Wong Commander Slush to Genius Control. We have deflected against KOMPLEX, and we swish to shine a treaty whiff...(Hiccups) ...With Chairmen Frizz Water. DOGSTAR: Do you think it's a trick? NATALIE: Maybe that radio beam de-brainwashed them. DEADEYE: Aye, but what if it be all a toad trick? They hear SLUDGE burp loudly on the radio, and there is the sound of Toads singing drunkenly in the background to the music; one even has the audacity to vomit right next to SLUDGE'S radio set. BUCKY: I don't think they're in a state to obey KOMPLEX, but it is puzzling. SLUDGE: Listen here, Ducky O' Hay, if you want poof that we are friendly toast, then josh listen to these two guys here. TOADS: (Drunk singing) When the working day is done, Oh warts, they wanna have fun, Warts just wanna have fun. NASS: Hold it, I've got another cruiser on the screen here. SLUDGE: Oh yeah? Lemme at the stinking guys! Anything they can pose, I compose. NASS: Sludge please get off the line. SLUDGE: Why? I'm not waiting for a train. BUCKY gives back the headset and NASS changes the frequency. SQUEAKY VOICE: (On Radio) Genus, this is Lieutenant Carne of the ST, sever all of your radio communications or we shall open fire on Orwell Station. BUCKY: Carne, what is going on? CARNE: Are you telling me, Captain, that you aren't aware of the radio beams that are weakening mighty KOMPLEX? NATALIE: What? CARNE: (Realizes what he's said) What have I done? NASS: Lieutenant, there is someone on our wavelength to speak to you. CARNE: Don't play with me, mammal, this is a trick. NASS presses a few buttons, and LIEUTENANT CARNE is put in contact with WING COMMANDER SLUDGE. While they argue, BUCKY nods to DEADEYE, WILLY & NATALIE that they must leave. DOGSTAR & CORPORAL NASS listen on the argument. SLUDGE: Come off it, Lieutenenant, KOMPLESH is old news; the Toll race can handle itself. CARNE: I shall have you court-marshalled for this, Commander! You dare to speak that way about our glorious leader? SLUDGE: That's it, Lieutenenan...Lieutenant Cain, you're going down. CARNE: (Threatening) Go on, I dare you, brother! On the TV screen, the two Toad Cruisers begin to do battle with one another. SCENE FIVE The Toad Homeworld Several ST TOADS are in command of a situation as many Toad Troops are slowly de-brainwashed. At one desk, SGT. WALKER, a middleweight Toad in ST uniform who is smoking a cigarette, walks up to five ST TOADS, all standing to attention. WALKER: Is Private Strong on radio communications? ST TOAD #3: Yes, Sergeant. WALKER: Good, and Private Adcock? ST TOAD #1: He is guarding the main power reactors with Private Meadows. WALKER: Good, the Toad populace are getting out of hand. And we, the Gamma Platoon, need to make sure that nothing happens to mighty KOMPLEX. ST TOADS: Yes, Sergeant. AN ST CORPORAL walks up to the group. ST CORPORAL: (Deep voice) Permission to speak, Sergeant. WALKER: Granted, Corporal Frazer. FRAZER: Private Strong has detected a small frigate heading towards us. WALKER: Well, send out the Defence Armada. FRAZER: I can't, Sergeant. The entire Armada has begun to rebel. We are outnumbered, Sergeant. SCENE SIX A Toad Spaceport, The Toad Homeworld The Righteous Indignation lands amidst a crowd of cheering TOADS. Most of them are Storm Toads. As the Righteous lands, BUCKY & NATALIE are greeted by CAPTAIN SMATA & a TOAD in a low ranking uniform similar to that of a Leading Aircraftsman. SMATA: (Cheerfully) My dear Captain O' Hare. We are ecstatic to see you! BUCKY: What's happened here? SMATA: We Toads have seen the light, and we deeply regret what we have done to you mammals. After all, what have you mammals done to us? NATALIE: Wait a minute, how do we know this isn't a trick? LEADING AIRCRAFTSMAN: (Birmingham Accent) If you don't believe us, why not ask the populous here? ALL TOADS: (In unison) We're sorry, Captain! NATALIE: Who's this? LEADING AIRCRAFTSMAN: I'm Johnny, Johnny Cozen. Ex-Leading Spacecraftsman. BUCKY: But surely not *every* Toad has been de-brainwashed. SMATA: Indeed no, my dear Captain. KOMPLEX still has the ST on his side, as well as that foul Toadborg of his. NATALIE: And the Air Marshal? SMATA: He's on our side, but only just. He's still a bit ticked off that we'd choose now to rebel. BUCKY: Well, there's no time like the present. Leave this to us, Captain. We'll take it from here. Just make sure nobody touches my ship. As BUCKY & NATALIE walk off, every TOAD visible begins to cheer. Meanwhile, LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN begins to gaze at the Righteous Indignation in admiration. JOHNNY: What a lovely ship he has. BRUISER: (From inside) Don't even think about it, Toady! SCENE SEVEN Control Room, The Toad Homeworld KOMPLEX appears to be straining somewhat, whilst TOADBORG is attempting to override the radio beam by re-arranging KOMPLEX'S circuits. TOAD AIR MARSHAL & TOAD FIELD MARSHAL are also at hand, while CREELVARD keeps guard by the door. KOMPLEX: Toadborg, you may be my Supreme Commander, but you are not intelligent at mechanics. TOADBORG simmers slightly at the remark. FIELD MARSHAL: The signal has increased, I can't understand why, though. KOMPLEX: Where is Captain Pritchard? The door swings open, as CREELVARD steps aside for CAPTAIN PRITCHARD, the same sinister Toad from the last ST incident. KOMPLEX: Ah, Captain. What have you to report? PRITCHARD: The entire Defence Armada has broken into revolt, mighty KOMPLEX, and there is unrest amongst the ST. Lieutenant Carne is dealing with Wing Commander Sludge, who has just attempted a defection to the Mammals. KOMPLEX:(Twitches as Toadborg crosses some wires) And the Storm Toads? PRITCHARD: Every last one has broken free of our control and our now revolting. FIELD MARSHAL: So? Get the ST to quench it! PRITCHARD: I can't sir. There are simply too many of them and not enough members of the ST to deal with the matter. Even some of the ST is now in revolt. KOMPLEX: (Strains) Yes, I can feel the radio waves penetrating my emergency power supply. PRITCHARD: This is it, mighty KOMPLEX. We have lost. The mammals have won the Toad Wars. The doors swing open, and BUCKY marches in along with NATALIE. BUCKY: Give it up, KOMPLEX, you've lost. TOADBORG: Bucky O' Hare! How did you get into the Homeworld? NATALIE: Give it up, you tin kettle! It doesn't matter now! KOMPLEX: Toadborg! Deal with them! TOADBORG pulls out an enormous rifle and fires at BUCKY & NATALIE. BUCKY pulls out his gun and fires back from the safety of a computer console. Meanwhile, CREELVARD and NATALIE fight jujitsu in the background, making loud cries as they go about their battle. TOADBORG: This war is not over yet, Mammal. We will win! BUCKY: (Firing masers) Not if I can help it! NATALIE suddenly topples over and collapses on the floor. As she mops up a small wound on her face, CREELVARD pulls out his sword and gets ready to kill, when several TOADS burst into the room, overpowering TOAD AIR MARSHAL & TOAD FIELD MARSHAL before they can have time to react. Two STORM TOADS take down CREELVARD as they begin to struggle. TOADBORG too is caught in a struggle with an entire crowd of TOADS, who swarm on him like a plaque of locusts. In the confusion, BUCKY & NATALIE get safely away and slowly fly off in the Righteous. As the fight continues, LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN trips up over a screwdriver on the floor, and pulls a gigantic lever downwards. In an instant, every TOAD stops fighting and marches out in neat lines. KOMPLEX: My emergency backup reactors have been activated; I have seized control of the populous once more! JOHNNY: (Thinks) < What have I done? > SCENE EIGHT UAC HQ, Genus FRITZ is sitting with BUCKY, NATALIE, JENNY & WILLY. Both NATALIE'S DVD of "Street Fighter" and her DVD player at the centre of the table. FRITZ: I bet you're all feeling pleased with yourselves about how the War *almost* ended. DEADEYE: Aye, we were that close and some stinkin' weasel ruined it! FRITZ: Well, the reason the war almost ended were these two items here. Our researchers at Graham found that the DVD had been bombarded with astro-radiation, the same form of radiation used on jamming beams. WILLY: But Natalie and I have watched that DVD loads of times and this has never happened before. FRITZ: That's because that the astro-radiation had been pre-set to only work in conjunction with this particular DVD player. The player has an in-built transmitter, so it was able to transmit the astro-radiation on any frequency chosen at random while you were innocently watching your film. WILLY: But surely if we watched it once and that helped out the Toads, then surely if we watch it again, then it'll end the war. JENNY: I'm afraid not, Willy. The Transmitter selects a frequency at random and chooses another frequency the next time you play the DVD. There are about 1 billion frequencies on Aniversian radio waves, so there's a very slim chance that the Toad frequencies will be selected again. WILLY: Darn it! BUCKY: Natalie, any ideas on who sold you that DVD player? NATALIE: None, I just know he was some ferret with a big hat on. WILLY: And the DVD was a present from an old workmate of Natalie. He winks at NATALIE. FRITZ: Well, we'll have to get Graham working on this transmitter; maybe we can crack the puzzle after all. SCENE NINE A dark alleyway, Genus A cloaked FIGURE moves into the grotty alley, and removes a large, concealing hat, to reveal that he is FRANKENSTOAT. Another FIGURE is waiting for him. FIGURE: (Tough, masculine voice) Is it done? FRANKENSTOAT: Yeah, they found the transmitter all right; and Graham Institute might be working on it next. FIGURE: Very well, here's your pay. He hands several simoleons to FRANKENSTOAT, which he counts. FRANKENSTOAT: Ten, eleven, twelve...You know, if it weren't for these mammals, I could be in Graham right about now. FIGURE: At least I'm paying you good money, aren't I? FRANKENSTOAT: (Still counting) 89, 90 simoleons. Yeah, it's good money. Besides, it'll be getting back at the Toads after they fried poor old Hoots Verne. FIGURE: Well, as long as that girl is safe, then I'm not needed here. FRANKENSTOAT: What girl, Jenny? FIGURE: (Pauses) Yeah, Jenny. FRANKENSTOAT: Say, who are you, anyway? THE FIGURE pulls out a calling card with his slender fingers and hands it to FRANKENSTOAT. As FRANKENSTOAT looks up to find THE FIGURE, he is gone. On the card are the words: CAPT. JACK METEOR GALACTIC PROTECTORATE HQ EARTH THE END