Bucky O' Hare In Friendly Enemies By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE A small tailors' shop, Genus WILLY is being fitted with a new, buffed-up version of his original Captain Aniverse suit. Fixing up his suit are KOMMANDANT KANSAS, accompanied by two other superheroes. The first is a bulky brown DOG draped in the American flag, and the other is a LION dressed in the Union Jack. LIEUTENANT ANDREW NORRIS watches from nearby; he too is wearing a new suit compared to his old XL6 uniform. He now sports a blue uniform similar to Mimi LaFleurs', but with silver trimmings rather than gold. WILLY: Gee, thanks guys for helping me get ready. KANSAS: No problem, kid. Gives us something to do. ANDREW: (Curiously) Of all the superheroes, Kommandant, you were the last on my mind to have anything to do with sewing. KANSAS: Never judge a book by the cover, Lieutenant. I may be butch, but I like to think of myself as a softy at heart. DOG: (Gruff, American accent) Is that why ya keep swearing in every single sentence, Kommy? LION: (English Accent) Quite so, American Guy. But then who are we to try and alter his speech? GUY: Who cares? I know you're used to it, British Bloke, but even I take some times to get used to stuff. KANSAS: (Uninterested) There you are, Willy. All ready for Bumblebees' inspection. He hands WILLY the suit, and WILLY moves behind a screen to put it on. BLOKE: So, tell me Willy, why is Bumblebee heading all the way to the Aniverse just to inspect you? WILLY: (From behind the screen) She isn't. She'll be heading to San Francisco and meet me at my house; it saves her crossing the universe. GUY: Yeah, we know, but why the check-up? WILLY: Well, she hasn't seen me in a while, and being an honorary member, she's probably just seeing how I'm getting on. ANDREW: But surely she can do that by switching on her communicator. WILLY is silent for a moment, trying to think of a good excuse. WILLY: Well, maybe I'll find out when she gets here. He re-emerges from the screen, dressed in the suit. It now includes a pull-down mask fitted to the suit instead of a helmet, small rockets fitted into the soles of his boots, and a Captain America-style shield with the .S.P.A.C.E. logo fitted on it. WILLY: I gotta hand it to you, Kommandant. You're a great tailor. KANSAS: Thanks, Willy. Is it comfy? WILLY: Sure is; Better than the suit I made, that's for sure. ANDREW: Just remember, Willy, that you only become Captain Aniverse if you really need to. I don't think Aldebaran would approve of you hopping around in a multicoloured suit. GUY: Hey, speaking of Aldebarans, I'd better get going. BLOKE: (Remembers) Oh, yes! Thank you for everything, sirs. See you tomorrow! KANSAS: Where are you fellas going? GUY: Don't y'all remember, Kansas? We're meetin' up with Kaptain Albania at the bar. ANDREW: Say "Hi" to her for me. BLOKE: Will do, Chuck! Goodnight! The two leave, laughing and joking with one another, while KANSAS gets ready to leave. KANSAS: Well, I'll be closing up shop in a minute, so you'd better get goin', you two. WILLY quickly goes back behind the screen to change back into his clothes, while ANDREW gives a brief nod and sets off home. As he leaves, a FIGURE watches him from the shadows. VOICE: (Sly, effeminate) Did you miss me, honey? SCENE TWO The Righteous Indignation, Genus JENNY is in a trance as she makes contact with Aldebaran. Speaking to her is FELICIA, who she pictures in her mind. JENNY: (In thought) < I don't think that surprising him like that will do much good, Felicia. What if something happens? > FELICIA: (Inside Jennys' mind) < Oh, Master Jenny! It's just that...I haven't seen him in so long, and every time I do get to talk to him, it's only for a second! > JENNY: < Don't exaggerate, Felicia. I'm sure Willy misses you, too, but with Fritz *and* Queen Shimorr up on trial in a little while, we're all working hard. > FELICIA: < Master Jenny, if I'm not allowed to see him, then surely it should be up to Captain O' Hare to decide that! > JENNY: < I didn't say you can't see him, Felicia. I just said that it might be hard when we're busy with other matters. > FELICIA: < So PLEASE can I see him sometime soon? > JENNY: (Sighs) < Alright, Felicia, but just be careful not to scare him or anything. > FELICIA: (Ecstatic) < Oh, thank you, Master Jenny! I promise I won't cause any trouble, I promise! > JENNY breaks the connection and sits cross-legged in her room. JENNY: (Speaks) Even so, that doesn't mean that there won't be trouble. SCENE THREE A Bar, Genus AMERICAN GUY and BRITISH BLOKE both enter the bar, where a BARTENDER with a goaty beard and top-hat is serving a blonde female CAT dressed in a figure-hugging scarlet suit with the Albanian eagles on the front. BARTENDER: (American accent) What'll it be, boys? GUY: Double bourbon for me. BLOKE: Pint of lager, please, innkeeper. BARTENDER: Coming up, squires. BRITISH BLOKE and AMERICAN GUY sit on stools either side of the CAT, who looks up. CAT: (Albanian accent) How was the Kommandant this evening? BLOKE: He sends his regards, Kaptain Albania. Anyway, where were you after briefing? ALBANIA: I had to find out why The Human Soap hadn't shown up; orders from Bodgers. BARTENDER: (As he serves the drinks) Either way, I still think you three are my better customers. GUY: Hey, who couldn't love guys like us? A Yank, a Brit and an Albanian! Hell, we're like a kind of triad! BARTENDER: With you being the better one, American Guy. GUY: (Boastfully) You betcha, sonny! The only country in the world that outsizes any other! BLOKE: (Chuckles lightly) I beg to differ, American Guy. You may be the largest country, but remember that our Empire was the largest in human History. GUY: True, but it did collapse after a while. BLOKE: Purely out of people claiming independance, surely. GUY: (Mutters) That and bad leadership. ALBANIA: Says the country who were thrown into chaos over President Bush. GUY: (Rudely) You keep outta this, Kaptain! BLOKE: Actually, she has a point, considering how you have a two-party system, and we have about ten parties! GUY: In a parliament that's always arguing and never doing! BLOKE: (Almost shouting) That's more than can be said for Iraq, mate! GUY: Now it comes out! There's the British can't-do attitude I'm talking about! BLOKE: As opposed to the American do-anything-for-a-buck attitude! BARTENDER: Hey! If you're going to argue, take it outside! I'm not having World War Five in my bar! AMERICAN GUY and BRITISH BLOKE don't listen, but simply storm off in different directions, leaving KAPTAIN ALBANIA alone. ALBANIA: (Grumbles) So much for United Nations, I guess. SCENE FOUR Norris' Apartment, Genus ANDREW walks in, and shuts the door behind him, without bothering to turn on the light. As he walks about in the darkness, he suddenly hears a thump from the direction of the door. Moving over to switch on the light, it suddenly comes on for him. Standing with one hand on the lightswitch and the other on a blaster is SAT-YR-NIN, still dressed in her brown uniform, but her armband now has a crucifix design made of four small diamonds. She simply smiles at him as ANDREW looks at her. ANDREW: (Calmly) Ah, Opul Lun Sat-Yr-Nin. You were in quite a hurry to return to Genus, weren't you? SAT-YR-NIN: What other reason would there be for me to return? Oh, yes! the betrayal of a certain ex-boyfriend! ANDREW: Come on, Opul, you know just as well as I do that a world of talking animals isn't the best place to settle down. SAT-YR-NIN: I could care less about this pathetic zoo! I only came back for you! ANDREW: (Sneers) Why? Did you get tired of chasing Captain Britain or is it just rules of the Hellfire Club? SAT-YR-NIN: (Moves closer) All you need to know is that you're my hostage and you won't be going anywhere for sometime to come! ANDREW: Your point being? SAT-YR-NIN: KOMPLEX has bigger fish to fry, and he needs to make sure that you won't get in the way! ANDREW: (Confused) You're dead certain you're not getting me confused with Bucky O'Hare? SAT-YR-NIN: If he was, I wouldn't be here, would I? (Calms down) Now, look into my eyes, and tell me what you see. ANDREW tries not too, but suddenly finds himself under some form of hypnotic trance, and is completely paralyzed by SAT-YR-NINS' gaze. SAT-YR-NIN: (Grins) Good boy; now you'll do what I tell you to, understand? ANDREW: (Drones) Yes, mistress. SAT-YR-NIN: Good. Now, you will stay in your apartment with me until I say so. Understand? ANDREW: Yes, mistress. SAT-YR-NIN: (Smiles evilly) Good. She kisses him on the cheek, and just gazes into his dead eyes. SCENE FIVE The DuWitt Residence, San Francisco, Earth WILLY is in his room, working on his photon accelerator, when BUMBLEBEE steps into his room. WILLY glances over his shoulder and spins around to face to face her. WILLY: (Startled) Oh! Err, hey Bumblebee. I wasn't expecting you for another half-hour. BUMBLEBEE: Just happened to be in the neighbourhood, sugar. Seein' as we've already stopped Mr. ESPer from startin' a base here, thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and come round to visit. WILLY: Well, my suit is still on the ship, but you can come and have a look if you want. He pulls the lever on his photon accelerator and moves towards the door. SCENE SIX The Righteous Indignation BUCKY enters the ship just as the door suddenly appears. BUCKY lurches back in surprise, but soon settles. WILLY and BUMBLEBEE step through the door once it has finished materialising. WILLY: (Salutes at the sight of Bucky) Oh, captain! I wasn't expecting you. BUCKY returns the salute, but BUMBLEBEE interrupts before BUCKY can begin speaking. BUMBLEBEE: You sure are jumpy today, sugar. You ain't been expecting many people today, have you? BUCKY: Maybe, Bumblebee, but I'm not usually here for sometime yet. I only came because I left my car keys here, so you just carry on. He clambers up the ladder, and WILLY moves over to the compartment where the spacesuits are kept. He demonstrates it to BUMBLEBEE, who looks mildly impressed. BUMBLEBEE: (Flirty) Think the Captain would be kind enough to put on his uniform. WILLY: (Blushes) OK, but just don't peek! He moves into the Engine Room and closes the door so he can change. The moment the door closes, FELICIA suddenly jumps in, calling out for WILLY. FELICIA: Oh, Willy! Guess who's here to see...you. She suddenly notices BUMBLEBEE standing there, and a negative attitude builds up inside FELICIA, as she clasps her fists tightly shut. FELICIA: Who are you? BUMBLEBEE: Names' Bumblebee, sugar. I'm just here to see ol' Willy, that's all. FELICIA suddenly slams BUMBLEBEE hard against the wall, her claws partly sticking out, and her spell-gems glowing angrily. FELICIA: (Snarls) Listen here, Bug-Girl, if you even *think* about running of with *my* Willy, I'll make you wish that you'd never left your hive! BUMBLEBEE kicks FELICIA hard in the stomach to break free, and places her hands on her hips while FELICIA scrambles to her feet. BUMBLEBEE: (Angrily) Alright, back off, sister! I don't know who you are, but I think that Willy is old enough to take care of himself! FELICIA: Are you saying I don't know how to love a man, you striped slut?! BUMBLEBEE: Say that again (!) FELICIA: You heard me, Little Miss Millipede! At least I have royal blood, you're just some common baboon looking in the wrong place for a boyfriend! BUMBLEBEE, in a fit of rage, suddenly lunges at FELICIA, her sting- pistols drawn. FELICIA retaliates by sticking out her claws and pulling hard at BUMBLEBEES' hair. A battle is soon underway, with FELICIA slashing skin and hair with her claws, and BUMBLEBEE kicking and stinging in all possible angles. The shouting and cursing drowns out the creaking of an opening door, as WILLY enters dressed as Captain Aniverse, and sees the commotion. WILLY: (Shouts) Hey, break it up! Break it up! He tries to seperate the two girls, but a misguided sting from BUMBLEBEE is the only thing that splits them up. BUCKY, who has also heard the noise, drops down from the ladder to investigate. BUCKY: (Furiously) If you two are going to fight like its' the school playground, then go somewhere else! BUMBLEBEE: (Softly, to Willy) I'm sorry Willy...I didn't mean to hurt you. She reaches out to stroke the wound, but FELICIA suddenly snatches BUMBLEBEES' hand away, still glaring at her. FELICIA: Don't you touch him, you bug-eyed... WILLY: (Shouts angrily) Felicia, leave her alone! FELICIA backs away, surprised at WILLYS' sudden outburst. BUMBLEBEE and BUCKY, too, are also surprised at this. WILLY: (To Felicia and Bumblebee) Both of you, leave me alone! I'm not a prize that you can win at a stall! He storms off in a huff, while BUMBLEBEE and FELICIA just stare after him. FELICIA is about to run after him, but BUCKY stops her. BUCKY: Leave him, Felicia. He needs time to calm down, and your arguement won't help matters. SCENE SEVEN Andrews' Apartment SAT-YR-NIN is flicking through some old books on the shelves, while ANDREW lies motionless on the sofa. His hair is completely ruffled, and has a smudged lipstick mark on his mouth. SAT-YR-NIN suddenly looks over as she hears something outside. SAT-YR-NIN: Well, they didn't take long to turn against one another. Outside, BRITISH BLOKE and AMERICAN GUY are facing each other in the street, with KAPTAIN ALBANIA representing a halfway mark. ALBANIA: Surely there should be another way to deal with this! BLOKE: (Not looking at her) Sorry, Kaptain, but a duel is the only way to sort something this way. GUY: You would say that, wouldn't ya? Think there's an answer to everything! No wonder you've got loads of enemies! BLOKE: (Shouts) Look who's talking! Russia to the left, the Confederacy in the South, and then you have your own troops you left for dead in Iraq! GUY: And what about you? the Irish, the Frenchies, Russia even more because you planted a dummy-rock on her doorstep! BLOKE: But your country owes the British something! Unlike your distorted idea of world history, it was *us* who invented the Tank, *us* who cracked the enigma code, and *us* who invented the first comic-books! GUY: OK, that's it! You're goin' down! The two suddenly lunge at each other, with KAPTAIN ALBANIA having to leap out of the way to prevent herself from being killed. SAT-YR-NIN simply chuckles lightly and looks over at ANDREW. SAT-YR-NIN: Norris, come and see the display! He gets up and walks in a zombie-like manner and looks down as the two heroes continue fighting. SAT-YR-NIN: Isn't it wonderful what international relations can do? Once the American and the Briton finish fighting, your little Legion will be shipped off back to their city, and then .K.O.M.P.L.E.X. can have his promise of no super-soldiers, and you will be all mine! ANDREW: (Still in a trance) As you command, my mistress. As the fight ensues, WILLY runs up and stops alongside KAPTAIN ALBANIA, suddenly interested in the fight. WILLY: What's going on here? ALBANIA: A grudge-match that evolved from a bar fight. I'm acting as referee because I don't want to end up on the UN Barbecue or the EU Spit-roast. They suddenly see the bartender quietly sneaking away. WILLY chases him, and eventually tackles him to the floor. When grabbing his face, WILLY suddenly realizes that its' a mask, and underneath is a TOAD with a goaty beard. TOAD: (Timidly) C...Captain Aniverse? WILLY: (Hisses) So your eyesights' OK, now what the hell are you doing here? TOAD: I'll tell you anything you want! Just don't hurt me, please! WILLY: Start talking! TOAD: I...I'm Agent Tilps for the Empress of Death. We...we made a pact with KOMPLEX... WILLY: (Angrily) Get to the point! TILPS: (Almost screaming) And he sent me in disguise to try and split up the Legion with a big gang-war so he could take over Genus while it destroyed itself! KAPTAIN ALBANIA, who has seen everything, suddenly comes between AMERICAN GUY and BRITISH BLOKE, who suddenly stop fighting, and look down at her. ALBANIA: (Shouts) Did either of you hear what that Toad just said?! Because of your own petty squabbles, you're forgetting who we're supposed to be fighting in reality! Now, there's only one way to resolve all of this! BLOKE & GUY: (In unison) What's that? ALBANIA: (To American Guy) You, stop being a bully, (To British Bloke) and you, stop complaining! If you're going to fight in the Toad War, then fight the Toads, for pitys' sake! Up in the apartment, SAT-YR-NIN has seen everything, and tries to hide herself from view. She looks at ANDREW and clasps tightly at his shoulders. SAT-YR-NIN: Get as much money as you can and pack up your weapons, Norris. That plot may have failed but I can still present you to KOMPLEX as a mole! ANDREW: Yes, mistress. Just as he is about to do so, the door is suddenly knocked in by FELICIA and BUMBLEBEE, who both look angrily at SAT-YR-NIN. SAT-YR-NIN: (Angrily) It can't be! You two are supposed to be having a Tenchi-Muyo moment over DuWitt! BUMBLEBEE: Guess we put aside our differences and learnt who we're supposed to be fighting; now if you don't mind, let Norris go and nobody gets hurt. SAT-YR-NIN: I'll die first before I let two brats boss me around! She pulls a heavy-duty blaster from her holster, and begins firing at FELICIA and BUMBLEBEE. The duo split up and attack SAT-YR-NIN from opposite angles; BUMBLEBEE uses her stingers and her shrinking-powers to distract SAT-YR-NIN while FELICIA uses her quick moves to try and trip up SAT-YR-NIN without being harmed by the blaster. SAT-YR-NIN: (Patronizing) Come on, kids, is this all you've got? FELICIA: No, this is! She kicks SAT-YR-NIN hard in the stomach; the hard impact couple with FELICIAS' heeled boots mean that SAT-YR-NIN is unconcious within minutes. BUMBLEBEE replaces her stingers in their holsters and looks up at FELICIA. BUMBLEBEE: (Grins) Good kick, girlfriend. FELICIA: But I'm sure you could've done better; but still I'd like to know why you love Willy; didn't he say anything about me to you? BUMBLEBEE: Woah! Slow down there! I ain't in love with him! He's cute, sure, but this girl ain't selling herself to nobody! FELICIA: Then I guess I owe you an apology (offers her paw). Friends? BUMBLEBEE: (Shakes her paw) Friends. ANDREW stumbles in, looking at himself with a small pocket-mirror, then suddenly notices FELICIA and BUMBLEBEE standing there. ANDREW: OK, so who was the one that pressed their lippy all over my face? They both point to the unconcious SAT-YR-NIN, and ANDREW just slaps his head in defeat. SCENE EIGHT DuWitt Residence, San Francisco, Earth WILLY is showing his new Captain Aniverse shield to BUMBLEBEE, who is sat on his bed, watching him do various poses to try and impress her. BUMBLEBEE: Y'know, Willy, you don't have to pose for a girl like me. WILLY: I know, I'm just trying to look a little more...heroic, if you know what I mean. BUMBLEBEE: Look, Willy, it's who's inside that suit that I'm proud of; and I'm happy that you're doing OK for yourself. WILLY: (Blushing) Yeah, well, I'm just glad you and Felicia finally stopped arguing; I was kinda getting worried that I'd never be able to speak to either of you two again. BUMBLEBEE: So am I; it turned out to be just a big misunderstanding. (Sighs) I guess nearly everythings' back to normal. Sat-Yr-9s' in jail, you're OK, and the Legions' up and running again. (Glances at her watch) Anyway, I'd better go before Speedy starts complainin'. She rolls up the window and gets ready to fly out. She blows a kiss to WILLY, who just blushes, and she flies out of the window after shrinking to the size of an insect. WILLY watches her admiringly as she floats off in the breeze. THE END Dedicated to the memory of Smokey Joe Farrell, 1985 - 1997