“Deadeye The Gunner” By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE - Orwell Station, over Genus DEADEYE is sitting at a table reading the label of a plastic bottle in his hand. The bottle, if translated to English, would read: "TINNED SWAMPGRASS - GUARANTEED MUSCLE STIMULANT". So engrossed is DEADEYE that he doesn't notice BUCKY sneaking up behind him. BUCKY: What's that, Deadeye? DEADEYE jumps as BUCKY startles him, much to BUCKY'S amusement. DEADEYE: Don't do that to me, Bucky me lad! Me nerves are all shot! BUCKY: (Sitting next to him) *YOUR* nerves are shot? This is new! What's it all about? DEADEYE: Well, fer the past few days, there's been some pretty-boy wanderin' around an' flirtin' with Natty all the time. I'm a li'l worried that she's startin' ta forget me, so I got meself some o' this. BUCKY accepts the bottle and quickly scans over it before handing it back to DEADEYE. BUCKY: "Muscle Stimulant"? Is he meant to be a muscle-man? DEADEYE: (Nods) Aye, an' his picture's right here! He pulls out an image of himself in his pirate days, with CAPTAIN LANEL and BLACKBEAK with him on the deck of a ship. To the side is a black- feathered pirate DUCK with bulging muscles underneath his clothes. DEADEYE: (Points to Duck) This be him: Buccaneer Beako, 'e calls 'imself. Always chasin' after boids, if ye be pardonin' the pun, cap'n. BUCKY: And you're worried that Natalie will start crooning over Beako rather than you. DEADEYE: I ain't worried, cap'n, I know! I've seen 'em together in the park! I mean, sure, I like to see 'er happy, but when she don't return yer calls or nothin', a guy gets kinda worried. BUCKY: I'm sure things'll straighten themselves out, Deadeye. Anyway, we'd best be off. We're due on Genus in a few minutes. SCENE TWO - Outside Natalie Farrell's apartment, Genus DEADEYE walks up to the apartment door with a bouquet of flowers in hand. He is rehearsing lines to himself as he walks up. DEADEYE: (Mutters) "Natty, me lass, these be fer you", nah... "Say, Natty lass, how's about one o' them strolls you like goin' on?" (Sighs) with Beako, anyway! He rings the doorbell, just as BEAKO strolls up. Noticing DEADEYE, who is barely 1/3 of BEAKO'S size, BEAKO picks up DEADEYE and snatches the flowers from his hand. BEAKO: (Gruff voice) Get lost, ya li'l bilge-rat! He tosses DEADEYE down the hallway until he hits the far wall hard and falls into a laundry basket beneath. At this point, SECONDARY-GUNNER NATALIE FARRELL appears, and looks surprised to see BEAKO standing at the door with a bouquet of mangled flowers. NATALIE: (Unimpressed) Oh, it's you. I was hoping it would be Deadeye; I haven't heard from him in ages! BEAKO: Say, Natalie, how's about a trip to the carnival outside of town? NATALIE: Well, I guess it's something, but I can't help wondering about Deadeye. BEAKO: (Dragging Natalie out) Forget that li'l runt! Let's have some fun! Neither of the two notice a cassette tape drop out from BEAKO'S pocket. Once they leave in the elevator, DEADEYE stirs and picks it up immediately. Noticing that NATALIE has left her door unlocked, he goes in and plays it in her stereo, which turns out to be a recording from NATALIE'S answering machine. NATALIE: (On phone) ...and I'll get back to you. DEADEYE: (Over phone) Natty, it be Deadeye. I ain't heard from ya in a while, lass. Are ya... DEADEYE instantly stops the tape and moves over to the answering machine. Looking around it, he sees a few green stains that are quite familiar. DEADEYE: (Mutters) Swampgrass. That dirty li'l cheat! He be breakin' in an' tryin' ta force me an' Natty apart! First 'e tries it with Lanel an' now Natty! This stops here! He storms out, knocking a CHAMBERMAID to one side as he does so. SCENE THREE - A Carnival, outside Capitol City BEAKO accompanies a reluctant NATALIE into the Fairground, where many families are enjoying the festivities. Among the rides include the Tunnel of Love, a roller coaster and the Dodgems. Meanwhile, DEADEYE sneaks in and notices a Fortune-Teller's booth. An angry couple suddenly storm out, accompanied by the FORTUNE-TELLER who shakes her fist angrily at them. TELLER: (Shouting) How dare you! I'm no rip-off! I can unlock any secret you hold to anyone! I demand you pay me! DEADEYE: (Pulling him to one side) Listen pal, did ye say you can show people's secrets? TELLER: (Hisses quietly) Of course I can! I am an Aldebaran, aren't I? But just don't go spreading it around! You never know where the Sisterhood might be! DEADEYE: Well, I happen ta be in the S.P.A.C.E. But don't worry, I have a proposition fer ya... LATER... BEAKO and NATALIE stroll past the tent, cotton-candy in hand, when DEADEYE walks out, much to NATALIE'S surprise. NATALIE: (Ecstatic) Deadeye! Where have you been? I haven't heard from you in ages! BEAKO: (Gritting his teeth) Yeah, fancy that. DEADEYE: I'll tell ya later, lass, but I think you two oughta try that Fortune Teller in there! It be worth it, I assure ya! BEAKO: Alright, we'll give it a try! They both enter, and the FORTUNE TELLER gestures to them to sit down. The FORTUNE TELLER is sat on the other side of a circular table with a crystal ball in the centre. TELLER: Be seated, and I shall unlock one of the great mysteries of the Aniverse! She gently rubs the crystal ball, and within it is an image of BEAKO sneaking into NATALIE'S apartment through the open window. He plays a message on the answering machine. DEADEYE: (Over phone) Natty, it be Deadeye. I ain't heard from ya in a while, lass. Are ya... He stops the tape, and replaces it with a blank cassette. He sneaks the cassette into his pocket, catching his hand on the corner of the table. Muttering angrily, he then sneaks out. Having seen all, NATALIE is far from amused. NATALIE: (Furious) Beako, you cad! How could you?! BEAKO: (To Teller) What kind of baloney is this?! TELLER: Do I look like a phoney to you? What I demonstrate is pure truth! NATALIE, having heard all, storms out of the tent. BEAKO tries to run after her, but suddenly notices DEADEYE nearby, who has been watching the whole incident. BEAKO marches up to him and grabs him by the scuff of his shirt, and holds him aloft in mid-air. BEAKO: (Seething) You double-crossin' li'l sneak! You may 'ave been Lanel's favourite, but that's all about ta change! DEADEYE: (Defensive) Hey! You were the one who stole that booty from Toxus II, not me! You got yerself kicked outta the Carnards! BEAKO: Enough chit-chat! Scram, ya barnacle! He tosses DEADEYE aside as if he were paper, sending him crashing head- first into a garden tools exhibition. DEADEYE narrowly avoids being impaled by the sharp tools that crash down around him, missing his body by mere inches. Leaving DEADEYE dazed, BEAKO runs after NATALIE, and it soon progresses into a chase. NATALIE: Get away, you dirty lecher! BEAKO chases her into the Tunnel of Love, where she leaps aboard an empty boat. BEAKO, reluctant to wait in line, tears down the turnstile with his bare hands, and tries to swim upstream despite the strong current. Desperate, NATALIE feels for her holster. NATALIE: Oh, crap! Of all the days I had to leave it at home! BEAKO begins to catch up, and NATALIE desperately looks around for a hiding place. By luck, she finds an emergency door that leads into the Haunted House. She jumps off, and is then chased by BEAKO amidst the exhibitions. Outside, DEADEYE comes round and notices some of the commotion through the windows of the Haunted House ride. Getting up, he fishes in his pocket and pulls out the "Tinned Swampgrass" seen earlier. DEADEYE: I hope this stuff does what it says! Bottoms up! He tears off the cap and swallows the entire contents of the bottle in one go. Due to the sudden muscle stimulation, DEADEYE'S muscles expand quickly in a Popeye-esque manner. Now determined and energized, DEADEYE rushes into the Haunted House in an effort to rescue NATALIE. SCENE FOUR - The Haunted House NATALIE has run into a supposed bedroom where a dummy is sitting in bed with a dummy of a vampire looming over it. Thinking fast, NATALIE pushes the dummy out the bed and takes it's place, pretending to be asleep. BEAKO suddenly rushes in, and is almost fooled if it wasn't for the broken dummy on the floor. He notices the vampire dummy and punches it out of the way. BEAKO: (Grunts) Outta the way, ya plastic goon! He leans over NATALIE, as she lies helpless. Suddenly, BEAKO is tapped on the shoulder, and spins around to see DEADEYE punch him hard in the eye. The blow sends BEAKO flying into a wall where he bumps his head and feels a trickle of blood on his beak. BEAKO: Well, whatd'ya know? The li'l runt's got guts! (Reaching for a sword) Then let's have a look at 'em! He pulls a sword from a coat-of-arms on the wall, and swings. He misses, and DEADEYE delivers another blow that sends BEAKO hurling towards another display featuring a large spider-web, and a flame- throwing spider. BEAKO gets caught on the sticky web, and his tailfeathers become singed as the spider spouts flames into his rear. BEAKO: (Yelping) Gemme down from here! I'll do anythin' ya want! Honest! DEADEYE: Hmm, anything? BEAKO: Anything! Please, just gemme down! DEADEYE smirks at an idea that forms in his head. SCENE FIVE - An Italian bistro, Genus DEADEYE and NATALIE are sat at a table reserved for the two of them. Both are dressed for the occassion as sweet, melodic music plays from a small orchestra nearby. NATALIE: (Sighs) If only we could do this sort of thing more often! DEADEYE: Aye, it's nice ta get some time to ourselves! (Shouts) Hey, waiter! Where's that beakin' spaghetti I ordered? BEAKO enters in an ill-fitting waiter's outfit, with a large plate of Spaghetti Bolognese in hand. He sets it down and bows with a look of humiliation on his face. BEAKO: (Gritting his teeth) Enjoy your meal...sir! He storms off, and NATALIE and DEADEYE dig into their food, sucking in a strand of spaghetti until their lips meet... THE END For Mad Cat, my truly best friend