“Mad Dogs and Englishmice” By Andrew Norris AUTHOR'S NOTE: In 1928, August Derleth created Solar Pons, a pastiche of Sherlock Holmes intended to continue where Sherlock Holmes left off. Solar, despite being a different character altogether, bore a striking resemblance to the great detective and was considered to be one of the best Sherlock Holmes pastiches ever created. Basil of Baker Street was another Sherlock Holmes parody, but a Solar Pons for Basil has not been created until now... SCENE ONE - Planet Conva The Righteous Indignation is parked on one of the landing bays, with BRUISER and BLINKY keeping watch on the bridge. Only a few yards away, BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE are watching a long line of CONVICTS being lead from the exercise yard to the prison building, accompanied by WARDENS who assure that they all keep in line. As this happens, DEADEYE keeps himself occupied by listening to music on his headphones, set on the highest volume. The music is "Hold Tight" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich, which DEADEYE "dances" to by bobbing his head back and forth. BUCKY: Have they sealed off the cell where the Godturtle was broken out? JENNY: Yes, captain. The entire quarter of the jail's been cordoned off until our detective arrives. BUCKY: Hmm. I'd just like to know why it's all so hush-hush. When you've seen one detective, you've seen them all. As he speaks, another spacecraft hoves into view, which looks more like a small shuttle than an actual spacecraft. It touches down on a launchpad next to the Righteous Indignation, and a hatchway opens. DEADEYE switches off his music and approaches with BUCKY. Inside, they only see the shuttle DRIVER sitting in his seat. BUCKY: Are you bringing the detective? DRIVER: (Gruff voice) If you can call 'im that! Personally, I'm glad ta be rid of 'im! A pair of figures lumber into the daylight, one being tall and skinny, whilst the other is small and stout. Once the light catches them, the SPINDLY MOUSE, who bears a striking resemblance to Basil of Baker Street, begins to shake BUCKY'S hand. The SPINDLY MOUSE is dressed in a deerstalker hat, an inverness cape and button-shoes. The STOUT MOUSE is wearing a grey suit with a burgundy waistcoat, and his blonde moustache makes him appear like Dr. David Q. Dawson. BUCKY: You're the detective, I hope. SPINDLY MOUSE: Quite so, Captain O' Hare. Basil of Praed Street, but I shan't bore you with the family history. (Gestures to Stout Mouse) This is Dr. Dawson, a scientist who I can't seem to shake off. STOUT MOUSE: (Stammering) How-how do you do? JENNY: Very well, thank you, Doctor. BASIL: I understand you want me to examine a possible breakout, yes? BUCKY: (Nods) Follow me. They all walk into the prison building and into a section of the prison cordoned off by guards. As they walk, DEADEYE tries to strike a conversation with DAWSON. DEADEYE: So, Doc, what sorta doctor are ya? DAWSON: W-Well, I-I'm actually a surgeon, r-recently discharged from service on Warren. DEADEYE: War yer grandpappy a doc as well? DAWSON: W-Well, yes! Second Afghan War surgeon, you know! DEADEYE: (Uncertain) Err, I don't know much about the Earth, Doc. It's just another planet ta me. SCENE TWO - Detention Cells, Genus CAPTAIN MIMI LAFLEUR is being escorted into an Interrogation Room by two GUARDS, who remain outside the door as she enters. Sitting herself on a chair, a section of the wall lights up, revealing a DOG-CONVICT inside a bulletproof booth. He and MIMI are connected by a speaker built into one of the glass windows, and a tape-recorder is set up by MIMI'S chair, which she switches on before speaking. MIMI: (Sternly) OK, Venera, you know why you're here. VENERA: I'm getting moved to a bigger cell? MIMI: Can it, Venera! You're here because you were a courier to Tinker and to the Godturtle. He gave you the supplies to pass to Tinker for money, with your bonus coming out of the cheque, so we want some answers. VENERA: Look, I ratted on Tinker when you guys hauled me in! You got his spy-shop fer crying out loud! So now what d'ya want? MIMI: The GodTurtle's broken out of Conva, Venera, and we need to know where he'll head next! VENERA: Nobody does the snitchin' on Don Macaroni, sister, yer just wastin' yer time. Chick Venera opens his mouth ta nobody. MIMI: Not even for an early release? VENERA: What good'll that do if the GodTurtle's mob'll swamp ya the moment ya step foot outside the prison? Only money can change me, sister, an' any Sleazosaur in the Aniverse can vouch fer me on that one! MIMI sighs impatiently, and storms out, while VENERA simply smirks to himself, keeping his eye on MIMI'S rear as she leaves. SCENE THREE - Cell Block 12-B, Conva BASIL is examining the rupture in the wall, which has been blocked from the outside by a temporary breeze-block wall, whilst DAWSON watches from behind with BUCKY, JENNY etc. at his side. BUCKY: (Whispers to Dawson) Why does he need a magnifying glass to examine the blast? It's a little obvious how they escaped. BASIL: (Muttering) All the information needed to apprehend someone is there for the untrained eye to see, captain. It's a simple case of forensics, but I'm impatient, and I prefer to look at the details through a grain of glass in a few seconds rather than wait for hours waiting for a machine to tell the completely obvious. He gets up, and taps the magnifying glass on his palm. Eventually, BUCKY grows impatient. BUCKY: Well? BASIL: The charring of the metal is more apparent from the exterior of the shards. Some of these jagged pieces are also pointing inwards rather than out, and their angle is far too great for a backdraft, and so, Captain, your criminals did not escape, they were broken out! Their eyes widen in shock. JENNY: Impossible! That would mean someone on the inside helped to get them out! BASIL: Quite, my dear lady, and I've a feeling that a meeting with the Prison Warden is in order. SCENE FOUR - The Velvet Claw, Sludge The Velvet Claw is a sleazy bar / strip-club amidst the heart of urban Sludge. Several female LEOPARDS dance enticingly around metal poles as several BOUNTY-HUNTERS, ASSASSINS etc. leer at them from the edge of the stage. In a darkened corner, THE GODTURTLE sits with ROBBY, PESTO and SQUINT alongside him. Three tankards of beer are frothing away in front of them, and they are speaking in hushed voices. ROBBY: I assure you, GodTurtle, Chick Venera won't give into you so easily. GODTURTLE: (Uncertain) But he gave in to rat on Tinker. A shame, really, Tinker was one of my favourite boys. PESTO: So, what shall we do, GodTurtle? GODTURTLE: I want you three to try and get into the UAC Compound on Genus and bring Venera to me personally. If he's ratted on me, I'll make him wish his mother had kittens instead of puppies! SQUINT: Do you want us to be rough with him, boss? GODTURTLE: No, be gentle with him. The rough treatment too early would make him a little too much to cope with. He holds out a fin, which ROBBY, PESTO and SQUINT all kiss individually. THE GODTURTLE takes his leave of them, and disappears as two curvaceous LIZARDS wearing skimpy suits invite him into their circle. SCENE FIVE - The Warden's Office, Conva THE WARDEN, who is a beefy DOG, is sat semi-drunk at his desk, balancing an empty beer can on his feet. He is not fully drunk, but is still showing the symptoms of inebriation. BASIL and DAWSON barge in, with BUCKY, JENNY etc. following suit. WARDEN: (Slurs, looking at Basil and Dawson) Oh, it's Pinky and the Brain. What d'you want? BASIL: (Examining beer can) As you can see, Captain, this beer has only recently being consumed, meaning that either the Warden has been accepting a bribe, or has been given payment by other agents. JENNY: How can you be so sure it's not just a private collection? BASIL: My dear Jenny, if it were imported, there would be some record of it on the supply roster, and Dawson here has examined that most carefully. DAWSON: (Grumbles) Indeed! Of all the things I could have read on the journey here, it would have to be paperwork! BUCKY: (Hisses, to Warden) OK, Warden, start talking! Where did the beer come from? WARDEN: From a brewery, Captain. That's all yer gettin' outta me! JENNY, DEADEYE and DAWSON inspect some of the storage cupboards, and find more crates of beer hidden away in several nooks and crannies, all the same brand. BUCKY: Looks like you've got some explaining to do, Warden, if you want to stay alive! WARDEN: Look, captain, no matter how hard you try, you're not gonna get me to rat on the Toad Air Marshal, kapeesh? BASIL and BUCKY exchange smirking glances, and THE WARDEN'S face droops as he realises his mistake. DEADEYE: (Continues the charade) OK laddy, so what was it that the Air Marshal didn't want ya to do? WARDEN: Oh, no! I'm not falling for that again! You're not gonna get me to tell you who's the real agent here! OK, I accept payment in booze, but that doesn't mean my surveillance arms are crooked like my surveillance eyes! BASIL: (Groans) Another agent! I might have known! They keep the Warden under wraps, but there's a middleman between him and the Air Marshal! JENNY: So, who do you suspect? A figure shoots through the doorway. THE WARDEN is instantly shot dead, and the shot misses BUCKY by just a few feet. A shadow in the form of a RAT scuttles away into the prison, with the rest of the group following after them. BASIL: (Taking the lead) Come, captain! The game's afoot! They chase the RAT into the empty Exercise Yard. As BASIL and BUCKY continue the chase, JENNY throws a switch on the wall, triggering a wailing alarm. Searchlights suddenly scan the ground, causing distress for the fleeing RAT as the prison forces close on him. BUCKY: (Drawing his pistol) In the name of the United Animal Space Fleet, I order you to freeze! THE RAT refuses, forcing BUCKY to fire. It is a direct hit, and THE RAT falls to the ground, paralyzed. BASIL runs up to the RAT as a searchlight falls down on him, revealing the RAT to be lanky, thin and pug-ugly. DEADEYE: Who the heck be this bilge-suckin' sea-rat? BASIL: I don't know, but I'm certain we'll soon find out. JENNY and DAWSON drag the paralyzed RAT back into the building as the siren dies away and the searchlights gradually switch off. SCENE SIX - Outside the Detention Cells, Genus Having disguised themselves as Road Sweepers, ROBBY, PESTO and SQUINT have succeeded in entering Genus, and are trying to help SQUINT clamber over the wall. SQUINT: Why do I have to go over the top? PESTO: (Grunts) Coz I'll whack ya to Takoma if you don't! That's why! ROBBY: Don't worry about it. All the guards are busy on lunch break, y'know what I'm saying? SQUINT: Fine. What do I do once I'm over? ROBBY: Just fetch us a ladder an' we'll come up after you. SQUINT nods, and climbs over the wall. Although short, he still has difficulty in moving his bulky shell over the side. Finally, he lands on the other side of the wall, where to his horror, he has landed in an open-air courtyard, where all of the PRISON OFFICERS are on lunch break. Thinking quick, SQUINT tries to find a decent alibi. SQUINT: (Innocently) Can we have our ball back, please? PESTO: (Shouts) Yo, Squint! Quit yappin' an' get us over! THE PRISON OFFICERS, realising SQUINT'S actual intentions, all aim their guns at him, and SQUINT is forced to put his fins up. A klaxon sounds, and ROBBY and PESTO quickly run off into the distance as the gates open for the PRISON OFFICERS inspecting the perimeter. SCENE SEVEN - Infirmary, Conva There are X-Rays of the RAT hanging on a lit-up panel next to the bed. THE RAT is sleeping naturally, and BASIL is examining the X-Rays carefully, with BUCKY nearby. BUCKY: Well? BASIL: Judging by the curvature of the jawbone and the comparative weakness of the bone marrow, I'd say that this...person...has undergone a genetic conversion of his exterior. BUCKY: Basil, pretend for a moment that I know nothing about surgery, bone structure, or anatomy. BASIL: (Pointing frustratingly at the x-rays) Just look at them, man! He is a rat only externally! Within lies a Toad. BUCKY and JENNY look at one another quietly, but this goes on unnoticed by the others. DEADEYE: So, what yer sayin' is that it's a permanent mask! DAWSON: Good heavens! So the Toads have been planning this breakout for sometime, Basil! BASIL: Quite, Dawson. No doubt they would be forced to recruit the toughest mercenaries in the Universe if their armies ever reached a weakened state, and so they planted this genetically-altered mole into the Conva security system, and ordered him to wait for the right moment to strike! JENNY: So that's it then, case closed. BASIL: Indeed, but I've a feeling that the GodTurtle will now press his escape to his advantage. He is a scheming one, captain, and all of my efforts to capture him have come to nothing. His crime-ring disbanded upon his imprisonment, but I fear that he will now try to compete for power while the two armies are in their weakest state. SCENE EIGHT - The Velvet Claw, Sludge THE GODTURTLE is sitting at a table, watching a scantily-clad female LEOPARD pole-dancing nearby, and smirks with approval. However, ROBBY and PESTO silently move towards him, forcing THE GODTURTLE into a private conversation. GODTURTLE: Have you brought Venera? ROBBY: Forgive us, GodTurtle, but we failed to either retrieve or recover him. GODTURTLE: (Containing his anger) And why not? ROBBY: Firstly, because our miscalculation cost us Squint, and secondly, we learnt afterwards that Venera had been relocated to the maximum-security wing on Conva. GODTURTLE: (Eyes widen) The S.P.A.C.E. are smart. Only a handful of the toughest can survive interrogation there. As for Squint, we will have to take care of him later. I have other agents to get in touch with, and we will need time until we can get either him or Venera back. PESTO: So, what shall we do, boss? GODTURTLE: Both of you have one more chance to make up for your earlier failure. I have special jobs for both of you, and I expect you both to impress me... SCENE NINE - Conva BASIL and DAWSON wave goodbye to BUCKY, JENNY etc. as their shuttle takes off. CHICK VENERA is seen very briefly being dragged away by GUARDS in the background, his protests drowned out by the sound of rocket engines. BUCKY: So, the Toads aren't as backward as we thought. They can perfect plastic surgery even better than us. JENNY: (Suddenly) Bucky, you don't suppose that Toad was...? BUCKY: (Scoffs) No! Even he wouldn't go around shooting drunks. In any case, he was burnt to a cinder weeks ago. Poor guy. JENNY: Do you think this Toad will say anything? BUCKY: Only time will tell, I guess. (Starts walking to the ship) What'd you make of Basil? JENNY: The "Basil of Baker Street of Praed Street"? Everyone made him sound like a superhero, he looked more like a lunatic! BUCKY: I guess it's part of the job for them. I prefer to fight Toads in a more physical way, and that's what I plan to do now! He clambers into the Righteous Indignation with JENNY and DEADEYE at his heels. The ship then takes off, and disappears into hyperspace. ALL: (In unison) Let's croak Toads! THE END