Bucky O' Hare
In
One More Van Damme Thing After Another
By Andrew Norris

SCENE ONE
Astrophysics Laboratory, The Graham Institute, Genus
Several Scientists are hovering around banks of computers that buzz and 
whir as they work. In the centre of the room is a DVD player, which has 
been stripped down of all components, with the wires and circuits layed 
out on the table with several labels on them. A small computer is next 
to the table, with a DVD playing inside. The DVD is "Street Fighter" 
and a character on the screen, General Bison, watches the scientists 
with frozen eyes. As the scientists go about their work, ADMIRAL HUDSON 
bursts in. 

HUDSON: What's going on in here?

HARE: We're close to finding the correct frequency, sir. We're going to 
get it this time!

HUDSON: So, you believe you've found the frequency?

HARE: Each one of us has checked an amount of frequencies each, so we 
should be close.

HUDSON: But there are thousands of frequencies the Toads could be using, 
how can we tell it works in time with the transmitter?

FOX: We rigged the infinite-range scanner to react to the frequency 
should it be the right one. The printout is coming out now.  

HUDSON: Let me guess, a green light for yes, red for no. 

HARE: Yes, sir.

THE FOX collects the printout from a nearby printer, and reads the 
frequency.

FOX: Try 7882-7811. 

THE HARE types it into the computer, and they hear a transmission.

KOMPLEX: (On radio) Cruiser Alpha-2 to proceed to the Lobster Nebula 
immediately and investigate possible Dalek activity. Seek and destroy.

A green light on the scanner nearby flashes continuously, indicating 
that it is the correct frequency. 

HUDSON: Gentlemen, I do believe we've done it. I'll go tell Chairman 
Warner immediately. 

He runs off, and the Scientists all begin to cheer.

SCENE TWO
The Toad Mothership
KOMPLEX is overlooking a group of STORMTOADS in front of a firing squad. 
Each STORMTOAD is shot dead one by one, and their bodies are then sent 
down a disposal chute. The head of the firing squad, LEADING 
SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN, falls the squad out and turns to KOMPLEX.

JOHNNY: All traitors shot, mighty KOMPLEX. 

KOMPLEX: Excellent. I am pleased with you, Cozen. Not only did you 
return the glorious empire to its feet when I was close to defeat, but 
you have also taken care of those who still revolt now.

JOHNNY: (Shivers) Yes, KOMPLEX. I...it is a pleasure to serve you.

KOMPLEX: Indeed, and that is why I am offering you a choice. Either you 
can become a Lance Corporal in my magnificent army, or you can become 
the first Leading Spacecraftsman in the ST. 

JOHNNY: The ST? But the training for that can kill you!

KOMPLEX: Yes, but your actions in the previous crisis will make up for 
that. I will give you 48 hours to decide.

The screen suddenly goes blank, and JOHNNY is left to decide. 

JOHNNY: (Thinks) < Hmm, either I become a Lance Corporal and try to 
bring down Toadborg instead of KOMPLEX, or I bring down the ST as well 
as the Toad Empire. Well, Johnny, you sure are a changed man since that 
incident. >

He turns to KOMPLEX'S blank screen.

JOHNNY: Mighty KOMPLEX, I've decided. I'll go for the ST. 

KOMPLEX'S face shows up and he smiles menacingly. 

SCENE THREE
Genus Control Centre
ADMIRAL HUDSON and CORPORAL NASS are adjusting NASS'S monitor to match 
the correct frequency. With them are BUCKY and DOGSTAR, who are also 
helping out.

NASS: (Strains) Nearly got it...there!

DOGSTAR: Is that it?

NASS: Yes, the Ultramagnetic Transmitter is ready. All we need do now 
is insert the frequency. 

BUCKY: And then we have a replay of what happened before?

NASS: Exactly.

HUDSON: Standby, Corporal.

CORPORAL NASS sits down hurriedly. 

HUDSON: The frequency is 7882-7811.

NASS: Got it, sir.

DOGSTAR: Then let's stop waiting and activate the transmitter!

The Transmitter is activated, and a high-pitched trilling sound echoes 
everywhere. 

SCENE THREE
The ST Mothership
THE TOAD FIELD MARSHAL and CAPTAIN PRITCHARD are on the bridge, 
speaking to KOMPLEX.

FIELD MARSHAL: And you say that he is worthy enough to be in the ST, 
mighty KOMPLEX?

KOMPLEX: It is my firm belief that he is worthy to join your ranks, 
Field Marshal, but what is to be done once he is in the ST is your own 
decision. Lieutenant Carne is returning to your Mothership now to 
collect him.

FIELD MARSHAL: I am honoured, mighty KOMPLEX, and I will see that he 
understands what we do in the ST is nothing at all like the regular 
army.

KOMPLEX: See that you do, KOMPLEX out.

The screen goes blank, and CAPTAIN PRITCHARD speaks up. 

PRITCHARD: What will be done about Cozen, sir?

FIELD MARSHAL: We'll place him on Mothership duty until we can decide 
which platoon to place him in.

PRITCHARD: Wouldn't it be best to give him his own platoon, sir?

FIELD MARSHAL: It would be too risky. All of us were selected as the 
best of the best to be the best of the best, Captain. We went through 
exams and tests that could break a man, but we succeeded in becoming 
the most brutal weapon of the Empire since cyanide capsules. 

PRITCHARD: What has this to do with Cozen, sir?

FIELD MARSHAL: He attains the lowest possible rank of NCO in the army. 
He may be higher in authority than a Mothership Pilot, but the law of 
mighty KOMPLEX states that I can only form new units with senior NCOs. 

The doors open, and LIEUTENANT CARNE steps in with LEADING 
SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN alongside him. COZEN is now dressed in ST 
uniform, with the ensigna of a white spaceship on his sleeves to 
indicate his rank.

JOHNNY: (Salutes) Leading Spacecraftsman Johnny Cozen reporting for 
duty, sirs. 

FIELD MARSHAL: (Salutes back) Good to have you on board, Cozen. 

JOHNNY: I'm more than willing to take charge of the bridge for you, sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Of course you are, but we need to brief you on the 
running of the ST first, and Lieutenant Carne can help you with...

The face of KOMPLEX shows up on screen. He is howling and in 
considerable pain.

KOMPLEX: (Breaking up) 
Th...Trans...itter...mammals...found...fr...ency...destroy 
Genus...ki...mammals.

The screen goes blank. TOAD FIELD MARSHAL moves off.

FIELD MARSHAL: Captain Pritchard, I want you to have all troops placed 
on emergency standby. Lieutenant Carne, set a course for Genus. Leading 
Spacecraftsman Cozen, put me in touch with frequency 9140-3211.

Everyone moves to their positions, while LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY 
COZEN adjusts the frequency of his walkie-talkie and hands it to TOAD 
FIELD MARSHAL.

FIELD MARSHAL: Byron, report!

BYRON: (Sly, on radio) The Mammals have found the correct frequency for 
the ultramagnetic transmitter. 

FIELD MARSHAL: What is their motive?

BYRON: I am not a UAC worker! Don't expect me to have all of the 
answers, Marshal!

FIELD MARSHAL: (Angry) That is ST Field Marshal Bertram Snyder MC, VC, 
DFC & BAR to you!

BYRON: Don't give me any lip, Mister! If you want that information, get 
it yourself! I'm through! Byron out!

TOAD FIELD MARSHAL growls slightly and changes the frequency.

FIELD MARSHAL: Attention all ST units, attention all ST units...

SCENE FOUR
The ST Mothership
LT. CARNE and LEADING AIRCRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN are on the bridge alone. 
A Cruiser departs from the Shuttle Bay, with CAPTAIN PRITCHARD and TOAD 
FIELD MARSHAL on board.

CARNE: We are on course for Genus, sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Very good, Lieutenant. Do what you must; there'll be 
little time before the ST begins to revolt. Field Marshal out. 

The link is severed, and LT. CARNE turns to COZEN.

CARNE: Maintain course to Genus, I'm going to inspect the new ST 
Interceptors.

JOHNNY: Yes, sir.

LT. CARNE leaves the bridge, while LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN 
begins his plan.

JOHNNY: Is the Ultramagnetic Beam on the same wavelength?

ST TOAD 1: Yes, Leading Spacecraftsman. 

JOHNNY: Are we still in contact range with the Cruiser?

ST TOAD 2: Yes, Leading Spacecraftsman. Do you want me to contact the 
Cruiser?

JOHNNY: No, I want you to have the beam altered onto the Cruiser's 
frequency. It may reverse the polarity of the first frequency and 
cancel the beam out. 

The ST TOADS carry out their work, and a trajectory of the radio beam 
is shown on a TV screen as it hits the Cruiser. An alarm bell suddenly 
sounds and LT. CARNE rushes hurriedly onto the bridge.

CARNE: What has happened?

THE TOAD FIELD MARSHAL appears on screen.

FIELD MARSHAL: Lieutenant Carne, I demand that you call off the attack.

CARNE: What are you saying, sir?

FIELD MARSHAL: Lieutenant, we are getting nowhere in this war, why 
don't we just call it a day?

CARNE: Is Captain Pritchard with you, sir?

PRITCHARD: (Sings) Why do birds suddenly appear?

The screen then goes blank, and LT. CARNE looks at his feet bitterly. 

CARNE: (Defiantly) It appears that the beam has begun to penetrate ST 
frequencies. I am now in charge, and Leading Spacecraftsman Cozen will 
be my second-in-command. I want full speed towards Genus.

ST TOAD 1: We are at full speed, sir.

CARNE: Then, hold her steady as she goes!

ST TOAD 2: We can already hold her steady, sir, as there are no solar 
winds in this sector.

CARNE: Well, err carry on then!

LT. CARNE and LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN walk off. 

SCENE FIVE
Navigation Deck, Orwell Station
COLONEL RAUL MEW is checking on the Station with a few computers 
humming and whirring in the background. RAUL is careful as he passes 
the banks of supercomputers that chug and pipe as they work. As he 
moves, a message is heard in the background.

MIMI: Screaming Mimi to Orwell Station.

COMPUTER: (High-Pitched) This is Orwell Station, pass your message.

MIMI: Ready to re-dock at Genus Control, standby to receive codes.

COMPUTER: Standing by.

The computers beep and crackle for a moment.

COMPUTER: You are cleared for re-entry. Orwell Station out. 

RAUL moves over to a scanner, where a BROWN PANTHER is working.

RAUL: Anything?

PANTHER: Only the Screaming Mimi, sir. 

RAUL: I'm just worried that a Toad Ship may slip in under our noses, 
especially after that Climate Converter fiasco.

PANTHER: (Startled) Wait a minute, sir! There is something coming!

RAUL: What is it?

PANTHER: The ST Mothership, but don't worry sir. The Defence Shield has 
been re-activated. 

RAUL: Good, divert all freighters and send the nearest SPACE ship to 
carry out reconnaissance.

PANTHER: But, sir, the nearest ship is the Indefatigable, 6000 
kiloglides out. The only other ship is yours, sir.

RAUL: True, but the Security Council still haven't designated me a crew 
as of yet. But, it seems as though I've no choice. You'd better send a 
few men to the Fearless.

PANTHER: Yes, sir.

SCENE SIX
Dock 1, The ST Mothership
The hangar is completely empty, except for three spacecraft. The 
spacecraft are similar to SHADO Interceptors, but have been painted a 
mixture of yellow and green, with the ST symbol marked on the sides. A 
CLOAKED FIGURE is standing next to the Interceptors, as LT. CARNE and 
LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN walk up to the FIGURE.

FIGURE: (Masculine Voice) Well?

CARNE: How do we know these actually work?

FIGURE: How do you think I got them here? They've worked since 1980, 
and they're ready for use.

CARNE: They'd better be. I'm not paying for a set of 1980 spaceships 
for nothing. 

FIGURE: Just hand over the money and I'll hand over the Aniversian 
Instruction Manual. 

CARNE: Very well.

He hands over several large bundles of paper money, in exchange for a 
hefty instruction manual. 

FIGURE: I've done my bit, so I bid you adieu.

CARNE: Very well, use the Toad Teleporter in Dock 3.

FIGURE: Thank you.

THE CLOAKED FIGURE walks off, while THREE ST TOADS man the cockpits of 
the Interceptors. The Interceptors launch, but all blow up once they 
are clear of the Mothership. 

CARNE: What has happened?

JOHNNY: (Calmly) A hidden explosive device, sir?

CARNE: Quick, catch that man! He mustn't escape!

JOHNNY: Too late, sir. He left in the Teleporter a few minutes ago.

SCENE SEVEN
Dock 1-A, Genus Control Centre
BUCKY and WILLY are calibrating the systems on the Righteous 
Indignation, when the Screaming Mimi slowly touches down alongside of 
them. MIMI and JONATHON disembark to greet BUCKY with worried faces.

BUCKY: What's wrong, Mimi?

JONATHON: The ST is in orbit of Genus, and Colonel Mew has just gone to 
sort things out.

WILLY: What, alone?

MIMI: He did have a few sleazy repairmen from Orwell, but I think we'd 
better go up after him. 

BUCKY: Let's hope the guard on the Transmitter can hold.

JONATHON: As long as the Home Guard can stand up long enough before 
they fall apart, then it should be safe.

BUCKY: Standby for launch!

Both re-embark their ships and launch into space. 

SCENE EIGHT
Dock 1, The ST Mothership
As the doors have been left open, the FEARLESS sneaks in without any 
bother. COLONEL RAUL MEW disembarks along with TWO HARES and A GOLDEN 
RETRIEVER. The three workers are wearing stained overalls that have 
been tainted with oil. All of them are carrying maser pistols.

RAUL: (Whispers) Keep low, they could have booby traps.

HARE #1: (Shouts) Yes, sir!

They all hush him up.

RAUL: Private Abbott, if you want to be tortured by the most ruthless 
sadists of the Toad Empire, then by all means carry on. 

ABBOTT: (Whispers) Sorry, sir.

They move around quietly, when they see something around a corner. 
LEADING SPACECRAFTSMAN JOHNNY COZEN is placing something into the 
circuitry. 

JOHNNY: Won't be long now.

LT. CARNE walks up, with his pistol aimed straight at COZEN. 

CARNE: Leading Spacecraftsman, what the frell are you playing at?

JOHNNY: (Confused) Following orders, sir.

CARNE: Are you mad? I made it clear that I make the orders! 

JOHNNY: But I was given other orders!

CARNE: That is enough! I am sick of your insubordination!

He shoots COZEN and watches the smouldering corpse collapse to the 
floor. RAUL and his band hide behind the corner as SERGEANT WALKER and 
CORPORAL FRAZER walk over, and salute to LT. CARNE.

WALKER: What has happened to Leading Spacecraftsman Cozen, sir?

CARNE: He was a traitor; he was tampering with the Oxygen Tanks.

WALKER: (Realises what Carne has done) Sir, I gave Cozen the order to 
inspect the Tanks for any sign of leaks.

CARNE: You did, Sergeant?

WALKER: Yes, sir.

CARNE: (Clears throat) Next time, remember that I give the orders 
around here, Sergeant!

He walks off in a huff, leaving SGT. WALKER and CRPL. FRAZER to talk to 
themselves. 

WALKER: What do you think of him?

FRAZER: Who, Sergeant?

WALKER: Lieutenant Carne. 

FRAZER: Not that I wish to question anyone, Sergeant, Lieutenant Carne 
does seem a little stupid at times.

WALKER: I agree with you, Corporal. Hopefully, when mighty KOMPLEX 
restores order, Carne may get demoted or shot. I don't really care 
anyway; I only live to serve glorious KOMPLEX. 

The Air Duct blows up, knocking WALKER and FRAZER unconscious. RAUL and 
his team make their move.

ABBOTT: So Cozen was a traitor. 

RAUL: Come on, Abbott!

SCENE NINE
The Righteous Indignation
The Righteous is about to board the ST Mothership, when a clanking 
noise is heard below.

BUCKY: Natalie, Bruiser, Deadeye, Willy, was that you?

NATALIE: (From below) YOU!

Down below, THE CLOAKED FIGURE is speaking with the foursome, holding 
the Ultramagnetic Transmitter. His face shows that he is CAPTAIN JACK 
METEOR, ex-superior of Natalie, and a Captain for the Galactic 
Protectorate on Earth. 

DEADEYE: How did ye get aboard, ya scurvy scumbag?

BRUISER: Yeah, yous better have a good excuse, buddy!

JACK: (Masculine Voice) I came to help.

NATALIE: (Fuming) Help?! After what you did to me all those years ago?!

JACK: Natalie, calm down.

NATALIE: I will not calm down! I will not!

WILLY: What are you doing with the Transmitter?

JACK: Your Toad friends are hunting for this, and the only way for you 
to get inside that Mothership is for me to lure their sensors away with 
this.

BRUISER: And how do we know that you ain't gonna hand it over to the 
Toads?

JACK: You'll just have to trust me on this.

NATALIE: (Snarls) I wouldn't trust you with my shoe polish, you 
scheming little piece of crap! 

JACK: (Calmly) Just trust me this once, then.

With a flash, he is teleported out of sight. From up on deck, BUCKY has 
seen the whole thing.

BUCKY: Well, it's all up to us now. 

SCENE TEN
Bridge, The ST Mothership
LT. CARNE is on the bridge when the radars bleep into life.

ST TOAD #1: We have two bearings, sir.

CARNE: Of what?

ST TOAD #1: One is the Righteous Indignation; the other is the 
transmitter.

CARNE: How far away is the transmitter?

ST TOAD #2: 12 Kiloglides, sir, bearing 2196 Yellow. 

CARNE: Fire at it at once!

ST TOAD #1: And the Righteous Indignation?

CARNE: How far away is it?

ST TOAD #2: 3 Kiloglides and closing, sir.

CARNE: Take care of the transmitter first, and then destroy the 
Righteous. 

ST TOAD #2: Yes, sir. 

A missile is fired, and an explosion echoes across space sending 
shockwaves across the Mothership.

ST TOAD #3: We have a direct hit on the transmitter, sir.

CARNE: Can we establish contact with the Homeworld, yet?

ST TOAD #1: No sir, communications are still down.

CARNE: What about the transmitter, is it still sending the impulses?

ST TOAD #1: No, sir. No ultramagnetic beams are being transmitted. 

CARNE: Good, then let us return to the Homeworld at once! We must 
retrieve Captain Pritchard before he makes an exhibition of himself. 

ST TOAD #2: And the Righteous sir?

CARNE: How far is it now?

ST TOAD #2: (Checks instruments) Nowhere, sir. I cannot find a reading 
for the ship.

An explosion thunders from the Engine Rooms. 

CARNE: Report.

ST TOAD #3: We have Generators 1-5 out of action. Power loss in Areas 
A-J. 

CARNE: What is the cause?

ST TOAD #4: Mammals in the Generator Room, sir.

ST TOAD #2: Two Mammalian frigates leaving the Mothership.

ST TOAD #4: Confirm, they're the Fearless and the Righteous Indignation.

ST TOAD #3: Fire in Area D, fire shields are non-operational.

CARNE: After those frigates! Open fire starboard masers!

ST TOAD #1: No response, sir. Power loss on all starboard armament. 

ST TOAD #3: Fire sprinklers in Area D non-operational due to power loss. 

ST TOAD #4: We are losing power on all circuits. 

CARNE: Quick! Get us back to the Toad Homeworld! Activate emergency 
power.

ST TOAD #2: Emergency power in place.

ST TOAD #4: Fire has spread into Areas F and H. 

CARNE: Get those Fire Shields down! It mustn't reach the fuel!

The Mothership, partly on fire, slowly limps home with it's rear 
section ablaze. 

SCENE ELEVEN
UAC HQ
FRITZ and GRIFF are briefing BUCKY, NATALIE and COLONEL RAUL MEW. 
FRITZ: Well, the ST Mothership will be out of commission for some time, 
and I believe Lt. Carne won't be bothering us for a while.

BUCKY: And the Screaming Mimi?

FRITZ: Well, it certainly helped out the Home Guard a bit in ground 
defence after those Double Bubbles sneaked past the System during the 
launch of the Righteous, but Mimi will be fine. 

RAUL: I still can't believe that a member of the ST, perhaps the most 
sinister weapon of the Toad Empire, would actually be a traitor to his 
own kind.

GRIFF: The same was said about Lieutenant Horst, but nothing was said 
there. 

FRITZ notices the glum look on NATALIE'S face.

FRITZ: Are you OK, Natalie?

NATALIE: (Looks up) Yeah, but I can't believe that Jack would throw his 
life away like that. 

RAUL: It was because he loved you.

NATALIE: (Snaps) If he loved me, why did he try to kill me when I last 
saw him?!

There is a brief pause.

FRITZ: I think we'd all better get some rest.

The meeting is adjourned, and they all leave the Board Room. DEADEYE is 
waiting outside for NATALIE.

DEADEYE: Hey, Natalie, me girl. Would you like...?

NATALIE squeezes DEADEYE as she gives him a hug. DEADEYE goes red in 
the face through lack of air. 

NATALIE: Of course I'd love a bite to eat my little ducky-wucky!

DEADEYE: (Gasping for air) OK, but just let me lungs get some air, 
lassie!

NATALIE stops squeezing, and the pair walk off holding hands. NATALIE 
now has a calmer; more relaxed look on her face as she walks off with 
DEADEYE.

THE END