“Puppet Government” A story for surrealists everywhere By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE - Willy's Bedroom, San Francisco, Earth WILLY is in his room, with his father DR. DAVID DUWITT taking his temperature. WILLY is sweating and shivering, with a thermometer in his mouth. DAVID: Looks like you've got one nasty flu bug there, son. WILLY: (Denasal voice) Oh, dad. I feel like my head's on fire. DAVID: Now, don't you worry, Willy. It's a good thing your old man's a doctor! He hands WILLY two tablets and a glass of water. WILLY holds them in his hand as DAVID removes the thermometer and checks the temperature. DAVID: (Continued) Just take these pills, and you'll be as right as rain in a few hours. I think we caught that bug early, so we oughta count ourselves lucky. WILLY does so, and DAVID takes away the empty glass afterward. DAVID: The pills might make you a little dizzy, so I think perhaps you ought to have a little sleep to let it wear off. He leaves the room, and WILLY groans as he slumps onto his bed, and quickly falls asleep. SOMETIME LATER... WILLY is fast asleep, when his memory stone begins to glow as he receives a message from JENNY. JENNY: (Through stone) Willy! Willy, come in! Are you there? WILLY mumbles and wakes up, holding the memory stone in his hand and staring drowsily into it. WILLY: Jenny? What's...What's wrong? JENNY: It's urgent, Willy! Something has gone terribly wrong on Genus, and we need you urgently! WILLY: (Alertly) Well, sure! I'm on my way! He places the stone in his pocket and activates the photon accelerator, waliking towards his door as the linkage is made. SCENE TWO - The Righteous Indignation, Genus Control Centre, Genus WILLY enters the Righteous Indignation, where the rest of the crew await him with anxious looks on their faces. WILLY: (Concerned) What's going on, guys? Have the Toads done some damage to the Righteous? BUCKY: I wish I could say that, Willy, but it's something even more serious. WILLY: Well, what is it? JENNY: There was a snap election yesterday for a new chairman of the UAC General Assembly. Unfortunately, the new chairman re-arranged the rest of the Assembly. (to Blinky) Blinky, show Willy the newsclip. BLINKY: Standby for recording of Genus Newsreel #47325 from 18:00 hours. His eye becomes a projector, and shows an old-style newsreel showing images of the UAC Council Chambers, both interior and exterior. ANNOUNCER: The snap election called in the wake of Fritz Warner's ailing health ended in triumph for the third-party candidate who has turned the General Assembly, quite literally, into a puppet government. We asked the candidate why he had done so. The "candidate" is shown to be the original JEFF TRACY marionette from "Thunderbirds", and the rest of the cabinet are shown to be the rest of the main characters from the same show. WILLY, for the most part, can't believe his eyes. JEFF: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and right now, it pays to have one person working all the strings rather than have several people running around and making idiots of themselves. Genus needs a firm hand, and I hope to give it that hand. The newsreel ends, but WILLY continues to stare wide-eyed, unable to conceive what is happening. DEADEYE: (To Willy) Uh, laddy, are ye OK? WILLY: Those pills must've worked a little too hard! (turns to Bucky) Are you sure that there really are puppets running the government? I know Howard the Duck lost his election, but this... BUCKY: (Nods) Don't ask me how they did it, but they won the election and legally re-arranged the cabinet to create a puppet government. WILLY: And you think that they're taking it too seriously, right? DEADEYE: It ain't just us, lads! Wait 'til ya see what else they be doin' to the rest of our motley crew! SCENE THREE - A Park, somewhere in Genus DOGSTAR is sitting on a park bench, out of uniform, feeding the ducks in the pond. He looks up sorrowfully at BUCKY and the crew as they watch him lament. DOGSTAR: They told me I was too old, Willy, old chap! Said I was too old to keep on in the war! Me, a veritable warhorse! WILLY: (Shocked) But that's crazy! Just three days ago, you led a victory against a Toad squadron with no backup! DOGSTAR: Try telling that to these youngbloods in office! They won't listen to an old-timer like me! They let off quite a lot of us after taking one glance at our personnel files! WILLY: (To Bucky) And you're telling me it gets worse? BUCKY: (Grimly) Much worse. SCENE FOUR - A Kindergarten, Genus CORPORAL RICHARD NASS is now working as an ice-cream salesman, dressed in a humiliating costume, while MIMI wears the costume of a stereotypical Danish woman. She seethes as she speaks to WILLY and the others. MIMI: If I had a simoleon for every time I've wanted to kick myself, I could probably buy the whole of Genus back from those little b*****ds! NASS: (Whines) They thought we had the right faces for working with children! I'm a radio operator, not an ice-cream man, for f**k's sake! MIMI: I can't begin to tell you how much I'd love to cut their strings! WILLY is left speechless, but DEADEYE seems to find MIMI'S situation slightly amusing. A long glare from her quickly silences him. BUCKY: We're thinking about leading a force to try and convince them to change their minds. NASS: Then you'll have to go alone, captain. Humiliating jobs though they are, it's the only way we can get any income. (pitifully) Me, the Mammal Meteor, selling Choc Ices for a living! MIMI: In any case, these new trade unions work the opposite. They're meant to help you, but they just make sure you stay in place! (groans angrily) I hate democracy! JENNY: All these puppets seem to have come from your home, Willy, the Earth. That's why we need you to act as our mediator. WILLY: (Sighs exasperatedly) OK, guys, you've convinced me. We'd best put a stop to it, I guess. MIMI: You won't be able to get to them the normal way. The Chambers have now got armed guards ringing around it. You need to... She whispers inaudibly to the group, and BUCKY perks his ears up at the plan. SCENE FIVE - The Council Chambers, Genus The group sneak into the grounds, which are being patrolled by life- size versions of the "Team America" cast. Evading them, BUCKY leads the small group towards a side-door. BUCKY: (Whispers) Come on! He opens the door, and the group rush inside. INSIDE THE CHAMBERS... Carefully taking measures to avoid being spotted, the group sneak around the corridors, making their way to the main chamber. As they walk, WILLY notices another unusual scene in an adjoining room. Inside, ANDREW NORRIS, in his Egyptian clothing, is confronting an unidentified FIGURE sitting in a chair with his back to ANDREW. WILLY watches the scene carefully with interest from the safety of the doorway. ANDREW: (Accusingly) OK, Mr. Editor, you've gone too far! Who are you to... (lurches back in shock) holy crap! He is shocked as the EDITOR spins around, revealing himself to be an odd-looking man with a psychadelic version of a Commissar's uniform made of bright, metallic colours, a rainbow-coloured Hitler moustache, a Union Jack waistcoat and a superhero mask. On the lapel of his jacket is a small badge that reads "DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS" in plain, black lettering. ANDREW: (Wide-eyed) No wonder you hate my stories! You're everything I poke fun at! You're a British self-loathing neo-Nazi left-wing surrealist with superpowers! EDITOR: (Matter-of-factly) So? ANDREW: So, did it ever occur to you that someone who isn't a British self-loathing neo-Nazi left-wing surrealist with superpowers might not hate the things I write? EDITOR: Listen, pal, I have every right to review your so-called stories! ANDREW: (Yells) Yes, but people should know you're not my target audience, a**hole! JENNY: (From corridor) Willy! Willy, come on! WILLY: (Straggling behind) W-Was that Norris in there talking about storywriting? DEADEYE: Ah, don't be silly! It's just this claustrophobia gettin' to yer nerves, Willy me lad! WILLY: I just hope it is. Things are getting a little too weird around here! BUCKY: In any case, Norris is dead, and there's no bringing him back. JENNY looks to one side, hiding the worry on her face. They finally reach the main chamber, and prepare to break down the door. SCENE SIX - Main Chamber, Council Chambers, Genus With a flick of his fist, BRUISER bashes the door down, and the group storm in, interrupting a meeting with the cast of "Thunderbirds" in place of the old Assembly. JEFF is chairman, with TIN-TIN taking the minutes and BRAINS acting as vice-chairman. All of them look up sternly at the intruders. BUCKY: Members of the Council, we have here an Earthman to act as our emissary to you, seeing as you fail to meet our demands when addressed by us! DEADEYE pushes WILLY forward, who coughs nervously and begins to speak. WILLY: (Nervously) W-Well, we're here about some of the S.P.A.C.E. staff you've been laying off. I've worked with these guys all my life, and they've done a lot in the fight against the Toads, but to brush them off because of looks or age is just out of order! And unless you reverse all those actions, then we'll (slowly losing confidence) ...we'll be forced to... to take action. The puppets do not seem pleased, and leap out of their seats to attack the group. JEFF: (Defiantly) Thunderbirds are go! Using their masers, BUCKY and JENNY try to sever the strings that operate the puppets, but the strings are so fine that it is difficult to make them out. THE HOOD quickly subdues BRUISER with hypnosis, while DEADEYE takes on all five TRACY brothers at once. BLINKY, on the other hand, appears to be losing to LADY PENELOPE and PARKER, who are attempting to restrain him by the arms. BLINKY: Calamity and woe! Unable to defend oneself against attackers! DEADEEYE: (Grunts) It be no good, Bucky me lad! There be too many of 'em! BUCKY: You're right, Deadeye! We'll have to try and get out of here! He fires at THE HOOD, knocking him out cold and freeing BRUISER. Once they have released BRUISER from the hypnosis, BRUISER begins to knock the marionettes into a large pile nearby, where their strings are easily entangled. With the door blocked, the group decide to escape through the windows. SCENE SEVEN - Outside the Council Chambers, Genus The group clamber out of the window one-by-one, and are about to make their getaway when they hear a voice above them. In a window on the second floor, WALLACE and GROMIT have their hands on a large lever labelled "ALARM". WALLACE: Oh, not so fast, lad! They push the lever, and an alarm bell is triggered around the complex. Immediately, the group scatter in different directions to stand a better chance of escaping, and all meet various puppets to battle. BUCKY and JENNY are forced to take on the cast of "Team America", DEADEYE finds himself at the mercy of full-size versions of JACK SKELLINGTON and SALLY of "The Nightmare Before Christmas", BLINKY takes on PUNCH and JUDY (albeit not very well), while WILLY continues running, hiding from whoever he bumps into. WILLY: (Pants) I've gotta get outta here! He runs up a garden path, where he finds himself fighting part of the cast of "The Wombles", 4 against 1. On the other side of the grounds, BRUISER has stopped to rest by a dumpster, which silently opens behind him, and a giant ERNIE from "Sesame Street" drags him inside the dumpster as the lid slams shut. BRUISER: (Grunts) Hey, get offa me, ya jerk! The dumpster is filled with the sound of munching, followed by a long belch, and BRUISER re-emerges with a piece of black hair on his lip from where he has eaten ERNIE. Back at the main field, DEADEYE has made short work of JACK and SALLY, who lie unconcious on the ground, and is now aiding BUCKY and JENNY against "Team America". BLINKY, however, is still struggling against PUNCH and JUDY, who have attached themselves to BLINKY'S hands and proceed to hit him with small clubs. WILLY, meanwhile, is taking a serious beating from TOBERMORY and ORINOCO, but quickly uses this to his advantage. Standing between the two, he forces TOBERMORY to hit ORINOCO by ducking out of the way, and the two Wombles quickly begin to fight each other. ORINOCO: (Slapping Tobermory) Hey, you hit me! TOBERMORY: (Punching Orinoco) Only because you got in my way! For an encore, WILLY snatches the cane away from GREAT-UNCLE BULGARIA, causing the old Womble to fall to the floor and wriggle around, unable to get up, while WILLY uses the cane to beat up the defenceless WELLINGTON. Nearby, BRUISER has helped BLINKY out of his predicament, and is escorting the little robot out of harms way. BRUISER: (Softly) C'mon, Blinky. This ain't the place fer li'l guys like you, buddy. BLINKY: Quite so, master Bruiser. As BLINKY is escorted away, BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE finish off the last of the "Team America" crew before joining up with WILLY. JENNY: Where's Blinky? WILLY: Bruiser got him out, and I think we'd better get going, too! They head up the lane, only to find to their horror that THE TRAIN from "The Magic Rounbdabout" is charging towards them at a relatively slow pace. Nonetheless, it still poses a threat, and so the group splits up once again. The others disappear, but WILLY continues to run as THE TRAIN bears down on him until he falls down an open man-hole. SCENE EIGHT - Unknown Place Apparently, the man-hole leads into a surreal tunnel of swirling colours and bizarre shapes reminiscent of a Dali painting or "Monty Python's Flying Circus", which WILLY finds himself gently floating downward. Among the images include: a 1970 Plymouth Superbird car slowly melting into goo as it slowly drives past, MIMI LAFLEUR in winter clothing singing "Springtime for Hitler", BUCKY and JENNY mimicking "American Gothic" and SLAPPY SQUIRREL and ANDREW NORRIS as bride-and-groom at a wedding. Presently, DAVID DUWITT'S voice echoes from the abyss as WILLY desperately finds a means of escaping. DAVID: (Distorted, echoing) Willy? Willy? SCENE NINE - Willy's Apartment, San Francisco, Earth WILLY wakes up as his father, DAVID, checks on him. The bedclothes are ruffled, and WILLY'S bed is an utter mess. DAVID: Willy, are you OK? WILLY: (Shakily) I...I think so. I'm...I'm not sure what happened. DAVID: (Firmly) Those pills is what happened, son. I did tell you they'd make you dizzy. WILLY: Yeah, but it was all so real! (sighs relievedly) Just glad none of it was! DAVID: Well, it's a sign you're on the mend, anyhow. Rest up a little longer and you'll be up and about in no time! WILLY: Sure thing, Dad. As long as that dream doesn't come true, then I'll be fine! SCENE TEN - The Sphinx, Morphea MIRAGE is watching over her crystal ball, showing WILLY in bed. She meows angrily and slashes the ball in anger, shattering it to pieces that scatter across the stone floor. As she slumps back into her throne, ANDREW enters, and sees the broken shards on the floor. ANDREW: (Raises an eyebrow) I take it you didn't get far in destroying Carthage, then? MIRAGE: (Hisses) Worse! I was close to breaking that DuWitt boy, when that accursed father woke him up! My plan to drive him insane in sleep dashed by his parent's doting! ANDREW: So, you'll be scrapping the plan now, I take it? MIRAGE: What do you think?! ANDREW: (Smirks) Good, then chalk one up for the benevolent forces. MIRAGE: (Acidly) Don't get too comfortable, boy! I may have lost this battle, but I shall *NOT* lose the war! She grins evilly as ANDREW turns his gaze back to the broken pieces of glass on the floor. THE END...?