Bucky O' Hare
In
The Night of the Short Knives
By Andrew Norris

SCENE ONE
A small office on the Toad Homeworld
THE TOAD FIELD MARSHAL is pacing the room in front of his desk with 
a very shaky and nervous CAPTAIN PRITCHARD in front of him. TOAD 
FIELD MARSHAL is red in the face and fuming.

FIELD MARSHAL: (Livid) This is a disgrace, Pritchard! Report after 
report 
of countless failures and pure incompetence! 

PRITCHARD: (Whimpers) I...I'm sorry, Field Marshal, sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Sorry?! Is that all you have to offer me?!

He picks up one of a set of files from his desk and reads out the 
contents.

FIELD MARSHAL: Decuary 3225, the formation of the ST. Both you and 
Lieutenant Carne released every prisoner captured from Genus and failed 
to 
create a stable hypnosis fluid!

PRITCHARD: Yes, but...

FIELD MARSHAL: (Picks up another report) A more recent report left 
undated. The Alpha Platoon stood by and let Canis I liberate from Toad 
power, with no orders received from you or Carne! 

He slams both folders onto his desk, making CAPTAIN PRITCHARD jump.

FIELD MARSHAL: It seems as though I've been wasting my time with the 
ST. Perhaps they are too incompetent to guard a vegetable farm! You've 
been given advanced battlefield technology and the most up-to-date 
weaponry that the Empire has, all decommissioned due to your blunders, 
Pritchard! Which is why I've come to this conclusion. 

A door opens, and a slim TOAD dressed in a khaki brown officer's 
uniform 
with cap walks through the door. The insignia denotes the rank of Lt. 
Col, 
and he has several medal ribbons on his chest.

FIELD MARSHAL: (Calmer) Captain Pritchard, this is Lieutenant-Colonel 
John Straker. He will be my primary concern from now on.

LT. COL. STRAKER offers his hand to PRITCHARD, who looks on.

STRAKER: (Beefy voice) Pleased to meet you, Captain. 

PRITCHARD: (Unimpressed) Likewise, I'm sure.

FIELD MARSHAL: Straker is the leader of the Toad Commandos, who will 
be replacing all ST operations in the Empire. 

PRITCHARD: (Startled) What?! But, sir, with respect...

FIELD MARSHAL: Bottom line, Pritchard! I've given the ST more than 
enough chances to redeem itself, but you're just too costly to keep 
around.

PRITCHARD: Sir, what of the men? The Commandos as far as I know are 
only a few people; they can't do the work of 82!

FIELD MARSHAL: If they couldn't, then why am I replacing you with 
them? You'll be placed in charge as Head of Security on Crystal Peak 
with 
all ex-ST troops to relieve Toadborg's forces. 

PRITCHARD: (Smiles) Thank you, sir! I am honoured to still serve the 
Empire!

FIELD MARSHAL: Yes, yes. Just get out of my sight!

Cringing pathetically, CAPTAIN PRITCHARD leaves. TOAD FIELD 
MARSHAL turns to STRAKER with a smile. 

FIELD MARSHAL: Let us see your elite unit, Straker!

STRAKER: (Salutes) Yes, sir!

He opens the door that CAPTAIN PRITCHARD previously went through 
and shouts out.

STRAKER: Commandos, fall in!

Four TOADS in the usual Stormtoad gear march through the door and fall 
into a neat line. TOAD FIELD MARSHAL looks impressed. 

STRAKER: Commandos, sound off!

FAT TOAD: (Booming voice) Sergeant Ron Rifle, Artillery. Munitions are 
my mission, sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Good to have you aboard, Sergeant.

SLIM TOAD: (American Accent) Dan Centaur, Cavalry. Ready to stamp 
my hooves on the warmbloods, sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Save it for the UAC, Private.

FLAT-FACED TOAD: (Canadian Accent) Clyde Hertz, Signals Private. 
Ready to dispatch orders sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Double up on your rations, Sparky.

SHORT TOAD: (Welsh Accent) Will Wound, Medic. Firing bullets as well 
as biting them, sir.

FIELD MARSHAL: Good to have you aboard.

He turns to STRAKER.

FIELD MARSHAL: Fine body of men Straker; now prove to me how well 
in combat. I want you to head to Sludge and infiltrate the Intelligence 
Base. 

STRAKER: (Salutes) Yes, sir! Commandos, fall out!

COMMANDOS: (In unison) Sir, yes sir!

SCENE TWO
S.P.A.C.E. Intelligence Station, Planet Sludge
Once again, the Righteous Indignation is parked outside the small 
entrance 
hatch leading into the fathoms. BUCKY and DEXTER are conversing while 
JENNY, WILLY and DEADEYE all put on their helmets. 

BUCKY: So, any idea what this is all about or will Major Bottlenose 
tell us 
that?

DEXTER: I think it best if we tell you at the station. You don't know 
who's 
listening.

BUCKY: But there's only us, who else could there be?

DEXTER: Once you hear the transmission, you'll figure out why.

He splashes into the water along with WILLY and DEADEYE. BUCKY 
puts on his helmet and does the same. JENNY shudders before going into 
the water.

JENNY: (Cries out) Urgh! There has to be a better way!

They dive down to the station, where MAJOR BOTTLENOSE is waiting for 
them.

BOTTLENOSE: (Smiles slightly) Glad to see you again, Captain. 

BUCKY: Major, what is all this about?

MAJOR BOTTLENOSE nods to DEXTER, who inserts a tape into the large 
computer and adjusts the controls. THE TOAD FIELD MARSHAL appears 
on the screen.

FIELD MARSHAL: File 92718, strictly confidential transmission for all 
senior Toad officers. An up-to-date Commando unit is replacing the ST 
as of 
now. For the good of the Empire, five elite Stormtoads will be 
responsible 
for services previously controlled by the ST. Members of the Superior 
Toads 
will now serve as security taskforces for the colonized planets. End 
transmission.

The tape ends, leaving BUCKY and JENNY shocked.

BUCKY: (Dumbfounded) So, the Field Marshal decides to replace 82 loyal 
troops with a new unit?

WILLY: A little pointless, isn't it?

BOTTLENOSE: Not when they're the toughest mob of Toadies to ever band 
together.

He nods over to a separate screen, showing the pictures of the Toad 
Commandos. 

BOTTLENOSE: These fellows would probably shoot their own mothers just 
to keep their fingers subtle. Not a nice lot.

DEADEYE: Aye, but how come they're better than the ST?

DEXTER: That's the part we can't figure out. The Superior Toads are as 
loyal as Stormtoads come, but these Commandos are ill disciplined and 
seem to see the Empire as a way of getting medals.

JENNY: I don't think I'd want to bump into them in a dark alley!

OUTSIDE IN THE JUNKYARD...
LT. COL. STRAKER is watching the base along with his troops from 
behind a rusty old spaceship. DAN CENTAUR is perched on top of a 
robotic horse, with thin rods and bars for feet and a chunky motor for 
a 
body. 

CENTAUR: (To Straker) No sign of the enemy, sir. The area is secured. 

STRAKER: Don't worry, he'll come out.

He notices BRUISER opening the doors to the station, and emptying a 
huge 
barrel of banana skins out into the junkyard.

BRUISER: (To himself) 'Bout time I got rid of these!

STRAKER: (To Commandos) Ron Rifle, front and centre!

RON RIFLE salutes to STRAKER. 
STRAKER: Prepare for assault, Sergeant.

BRUISER hasn't heard the shouting, as he is scraping out some bananas 
that 
have stuck to the bottom of the barrel.

STRAKER: (To Commandos) Don't fire until you see the whites of his eyes. 
Get ready to shoot the rifle!

On top of the old spaceship, RON RIFLE is on a catapult made from an 
old 
rubber tyre and the ships' rockets. CLYDE HERTZ and WILL WOUND are 
stretching the wheel. They let go as BRUISER turns around. RON RIFLE 
fires a small sucker-dart at BRUISERS' belt and is dragged along as 
BRUISER moves back to the base.

RON: (Groans) Ow! Ouch! Oof! Eek!

BRUISER spins around to see who is moaning, but his turning around 
flicks 
RON RIFLE into the air before he can be seen clearly.

BRUISER: (Turns back) Stupid pickpockets!

As he walks back through the door, he doesn't see that RON RIFLE has 
landed on the roof and has wedged his foot in the door. He squeals in 
pain as 
his foot is slowly crushed. 

RON: (Squeals) YEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! Medic! 
Medic! 

WILL WOUND arrives to help RON, while DAN CENTAUR and CLYDE 
HERTZ wedge the doors open. 

WOUND: (Gets out a bandage) Bite the bullet, lad. You'll be fine. 

RON RIFLE continues to whine as his foot is bandaged up. STRAKER 
looks around the base to make sure that BLINKY and BRUISER aren't 
visible.

STRAKER: Get your scuba gear on, fellas, we're going diving!

The Commandos salute, except for RON who is hobbling about in an 
attempt to walk.

SCENE THREE
Crystal Peak
Some BEAVER slaves are busy mining out crystal ions and loading them 
into awaiting Toad cruisers. The ST TROOPS, stripped of pride and 
honour, 
overlook the BEAVERS as they work with snipers at the ready. On a 
crevasse overlooking all of this are CAPTAIN PRITCHARD and 
LIEUTENANT CARNE, now with small red stripes sewn onto the 
uniforms. 

CARNE: (Abashed) This is indeed a very sorry time for us, sir.

He points to his red stripe.

CARNE: Instead of the ST, we are now the Toad Security Taskforce. 

PRITCHARD: (Neutral) I don't care even if I'm called Colonel Bogey, 
just 
so long as I'm transferred and not shot. 

CARNE: But the ST was all I had, sir! Being a part of a security team 
feels 
as though I've been shot several times over! 

Down below, some ST TROOPS and BEAVERS break out into a fight. 

PRITCHARD: Duty calls, I suppose.

He pulls out his revolver and runs downhill, with LT. CARNE right 
behind 
him. Due to strength in numbers, the BEAVERS are winning. 

BEAVER #1: Come on! You're not going to let some losers tell us what to 
do, are you?

ST TOAD #1: (Growls) Shut up, you! You'll be shot for this!

BEAVER #1: No, you'll be shot!

BEAVER #2: Yeah! KOMPLEX can't lose valuable workers can he?

ST TOAD #1: You're expendable!

ST TOAD #2: You're only a mammal! You'll never be anything but 
expendable!

ST TOAD #3: Now, shut up and get back in line!

BEAVER #3: (Sarcastic) Ho, ho, ho! Look who's talking!

BEAVER #4: Yeah! The stooges who could do nothing but fail!

BEAVER #5: No wonder you lot are here and not out in space!

THE ST TOADS become restless. CAPTAIN PRITCHARD and LT. 
CARNE arrive to break up the incident. 

PRITCHARD: (Shouts) You mammals get back! 

BEAVER #4: Rot in hell, Captain! You're not the boss of us!

CARNE: Shut up, the lot of you!

He fires into the cliff-face, and an avalanche falls onto the rebelling 
BEAVERS, crushing them like eggshells. The remaining BEAVERS and the 
ST TOADS are silent as they look at what CARNE and PRITCHARD have 
done. 

BEAVER #6: Frelling hell!

ST TOAD #4: All of that from one blast!

TOADBORG and PILOT OFFICER ADDER arrive from one of the 
Cruisers.

ADDER: (To Toadborg) ...and the whole thing came down, sir. Squashed 
the rebels flat!

TOADBORG: (To Pritchard) Captain Pritchard, is what Pilot Officer Adder 
saying true? Did both you and Lieutenant Carne defeat those rebels?

PRITCHARD: (Stammers) Y...Yes, sir. I know they were a vital workforce, 
but...

TOADBORG: Vital, Captain? They were due for execution by firing squad 
after the last rebellion. They were set to work here as we were short 
of 
a workforce. 

PRITCHARD: Well, we of the Toad Security Taskforce do our best, sir.

ADDER: I am going to have the Field Marshal commend you, sir. It was a 
good idea of him to have you transferred here.

TOADBORG: And what's more, that landslide means we've now more than 
enough to fill our quota five times over, and saves valuable use of 
explosives. 

CAPTAIN PRITCHARD and LT. CARNE smile bashfully. 

SCENE FOUR
.S.P.A.C.E. Intelligence Base, Sludge
MAJOR BOTTLENOSE is running through a file on LT. COL. STRAKER 
with DEXTER. BUCKY and his crew watch from the sidelines. 

BOTTLENOSE: Lieutenant-Colonel John Straker. Has lead three previous 
commando units with regular Stormtoads, all completed successfully. Won 
the Slime Cross for gallantry a few years back. Not a nice chap, I can 
tell 
you.

DEXTER: It's also been uncovered that he's actually the Field Marshals' 
cousin, and is currently en route to an .S.P.A.C.E. base somewhere in 
this 
sector of space.

JENNY: (Startled) But there are only two bases in this sector! This and 
the 
HQ of the .S.P.A.C.E. Pay Corps over on Rigel 3! 

CENTAUR: (Laughs) Like we'd want to trash that place!

From the hatch leading to the surface comes DAN CENTAUR, with his 
mechanical horse using the thin, metallic legs to swim about like a 
frog. He 
fires a maser rifle at DEXTER, who tries to dodge but is hit on one of 
his 
tentacles. DEADEYE takes some shots, but BUCKY stops him.

BUCKY: (Shouts) Deadeye, you'll hit one of these machines and blow us 
sky-high! 

CENTAUR: That's right, captain! You've just met your match!

BOTTLENOSE: (Triumphantly) On the contrary, old boy, it is actually the 
other way around!

He flicks a switch with his tailfin. DAN CENTAUR takes no notice, until 
he 
is electrocuted by a large forcefield affecting only him.

CENTAUR: Surrender, or DDDDDIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! 

As he squeals in pain, MAJOR BOTTLENOSE orders everyone to fall back, 
before the mechanical horse can explode. As it does so, DAN CENTAUR 
slowly swims up to the surface, leaving a trail of blood as he goes. 
MAJOR 
BOTTLENOSE switches off the forcefield and calls a medic over to attend 
to DEXTER.

WILLY: What was that?

BOTTLENOSE: New form of security, old chap. The forcefield is 
controlled by special shock-lasers in the walls. It has been designed 
to 
complete the circuit when a solid object passes through it. 

DEADEYE: That be one fly-chompin' wartbrain down, and four more to go!

UP ON THE SURFACE...
The Commandos are hiding under the Righteous Indignation as BLINKY 
cleans the windows on DEADEYE'S gun turret with an oil rag. 

BLINKY: Humble robot must please Gunner Deadeye Duck upon his return. 
Cleaning of workstation complete.

He returns into the frigate and slams the door with a reverberating 
clang. 
Almost immediately on cue comes DAN CENTAUR. The Commandos rush 
over to greet him, but are shocked to see the burns all over his body, 
with the 
entire of his right arm bleeding like a flowing tap. WILL WOUND and LT. 
COL. JOHN STRAKER go over to see him.

CENTAUR: (Weak, to Straker) It's...only a flesh wound...sir.

STRAKER: Rest easy, son. You've done your job. 

DAN CENTAUR puts a shaking hand on STRAKER'S shoulder.

CENTAUR: It's getting dark, sir. Tell...Tell the Field Marshal about it.

His eyes close and his hand drops down. STRAKER looks up at WILL 
WOUND.

WOUND: (Feels pulse) He's dead, sir.

STRAKER: (Silently) I will tell the Field Marshal, son. I will. 

He rubs his face and addresses the troops.

STRAKER: Dan Centaur has gone, but he will always be remembered, 
always, always and always. His death shall be avenged! This time we 
attack 
as one! 

BACK DOWN IN THE BASE...
WILLY and BUCKY are examining the remains of DAN'S horse. WILLY 
picks up a piece and looks at it. 

WILLY: This is obviously some kind of artificial intelligence. It's too 
badly 
damaged to determine what it was used for.

BUCKY: According to the file, Centaur used it as a kind of horse when 
in 
the Cavalry. 

DEADEYE: Aye, but there be no such thing as a Toad Cavalry! The whole 
things' bilge wash! 

WILLY: I wonder why BRUISER hasn't seen them yet? Surely he would've 
seen them by now.

BUCKY: I doubt it. Knowing Bruiser, he's probably stuffing his face 
with 
bananas right now. 

The power suddenly winds down. A few DOLPHIN TECHNICIANS try to 
switch on the emergency power, but that also fails. They don't know 
that 
CLYDE HERTZ has damaged the circuits near the surface entrance. The 
COMMANDOS simply dive down and begin firing to and fro. 

RIFLE: (Laughs) Let's kick some mammal butt!

WILLY: Oh, no you don't!

He tries the forcefield switch, but the power to that has also been 
affected. 
RON RIFLE hits WILLY in the cheek, but is knocked back by BUCKY and 
DEADEYE. WILL WOUND tries to twist JENNY'S arm, but she counter-
attacks and flicks him onto the wall.

JENNY: (Smiles) It's rude to strike a lady, mister!

WILLY: Wait! I've got an idea!

BUCKY: (To Willy) What is it?

Before WILLY can answer, CLYDE HERTZ knocks BUCKY over, leading 
to a huge fighting frenzy. BUCKY knocks a penknife out of CLYDE'S 
hand, which just grazes DEADEYE. WILLY starts tinkering with some 
machinery, but LT. COL. STRAKER appears and knocks WILLY aside.

STRAKER: (Snarls) Expect no mercy, mammal ally!

He tries to fire at WILLY, but the boys' strength means that he is able 
to 
swim away just in time. WILLY resumes tinkering before grabbing 
STRAKER by the neck.

WILLY: Have I got a shock for you, Toad!

He shoves STRAKERS' head into the panel, and the forcefield springs to 
life. The COMMANDOS are barbequed in an instant, and the MAMMALS 
along with WILLY are able to swim out before the power comes back on. 
The metal uniforms that the COMMANDOS are wearing intensify the grisly 
electrocution. 

WOUND: (Groans) I die for the glory of KOMPL...

He dies. RON RIFLE is trying to fight the pain, until a couple of his 
fingers 
snap off like twigs. With one last breath, RON RIFLE speaks before 
dying 
himself.

RIFLE: (Weak) Medic! Medic...

CLYDE HERTZ swims away to the surface, leaving his comrades to die. 
STRAKER pulls his head out of the panel; and looks at WILLY, BUCKY 
and MAJOR BOTTLENOSE with a deformed face with much of the skin 
torn away. 

STRAKER: You (BLEEP)...ards! You'll be sorry!

He leaps for his gun, but DEADEYE fires a maser at him, killing the 
TOAD 
for sure. Everyone looks at WILLY.

JENNY: (Calmly) Willy, what exactly did you do?

WILLY: Well, even though the power and the emergency backup had been 
de-activated, I was able to redirect the current towards the forcefield.

DEADEYE: And then you fried them Toadies! Just wait until BRUISER 
hears about this!

BOTTLENOSE: I think KOMPLEX will be hearing about this too.

BUCKY: How do you mean, Major?

BOTTLENOSE: Didn't you notice, Bucky old chap? That flat-faced tadpole 
got away. If he decides to rebuild the Commandos, we'll have to work 
around the clock to put this place to rights.

DEXTER: Well, let's just hope we don't get any more unexpected visitors!

SCENE FIVE
The Toad Homeworld
CLYDE HERTZ has returned to the Toad Homeworld, the only survivor of 
the Toad Commandos. He shivers as he stops at a large metal door.

HERTZ: (Swallows) Well, here goes.

Through the door is the office of TOAD FIELD MARSHAL. With him is 
CAPTAIN PRITCHARD, now without the red stripe from before. TOAD 
FIELD MARSHAL isn't surprised to see one of the Commandos. 

FIELD MARSHAL: (Annoyed) Well, Private Hertz. What do you want? 

HERTZ: (Shivers) Beg pardon, sir. But I regret to report that the 
Commandos have been completely wiped out.

FIELD MARSHAL: Lieutenant-Colonel Straker as well?

HERTZ: Y...Yes, sir. I...I was the only survivor. 

FIELD MARSHAL: (Stands up) Yes, the one that got away: a poor, 
gormless coward.

HERTZ: (Splutters) What? I am no coward, sir!

FIELD MARSHAL: If you were not a coward, I would not have this report 
from an informant about you deserting your troops. 

He picks up a neat, fresh folder from the top of his desk.

FIELD MARSHAL: (Continued) To die on a battlefield is a skill of 
bravery, 
and you were selected as one of the Commandos because of your bravery.

HERTZ: What else could I do? I was hoping to actually carry on the 
Commandos as its new leader, sir!

FIELD MARSHAL: You needn't have bothered! During your time on 
Sludge, Captain Pritchard has crushed a rebellion, filled the Empires' 
quota 
of crystal ions twice, and has been awarded the Ribbon for Valour. As 
far as 
I'm concerned, you Commandos were a waste of time. 

CAPTAIN PRITCHARD shoots CLYDE HERTZ and the Commando lies 
bleeding on the floor.

FIELD MARSHAL: If I knew how bad a leader my cousin would turn out, I 
wouldn't have had to waste time running that execution. Thank you, 
Captain. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. As of now, the ST is hereby 
reinstated.

PRITCHARD: Thank you, sir!

CAPTAIN PRITCHARD skips merrily out of the door while having the 
dead Commando draped over his shoulder. TOAD FIELD MARSHAL then 
goes through some paperwork on his desk.

FIELD MARSHAL: (Mutters) Hmm, .S.W.A.T. Slimy and Warty Assault 
Taskforce...

THE END