Bucky O' Hare In A Tale of Two Tommys By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE UAC HQ, Genus, 3226 FRITZ is pacing up and down with KADAF and BUCKY nearby. COMMODORE ZAKARIA ZEROX is on the computer. FRITZ: (Sternly) I just can't believe it! I won't believe it! ZAKARIA: I'm afraid it's all in stone, sir. FRITZ: But if the Toads have invaded again, then why are you OK?! ZAKARIA pulls up a history book from his lap. ZAKARIA: (Reads book) "June 2008, Earth is thrown into panic by yet another attack by Toad creatures similar to those described in the 2003 invasion." KADAF: You can stop them, can't you? ZAKARIA: Not me, no. This is 2071, and the Black Holes here will only take us to the Aniverse. BUCKY: But, Commodore, we've developed equipment so we can alter the trajectory of worm-holes if we so please, why are you so reluctant? ZAKARIA: (Sharply) Because everyone here is to stiffnecked to believe in the idea. He severs the link, and FRITZ slams his fist on the desk. FRITZ: (Angrily) Is there ANYONE here who knows what we can do?! COLONEL RAUL MEW and WILLY walk in with a set of readouts between them, and RAUL looks worried. BUCKY: Willy! Do you have a moment? We need to ask you something. In your time, it is 2005, right? WILLY: Right. BUCKY: Was there anything in the papers about a massing of UFOs? WILLY: Only some Chinese astronomers said they saw something on the Moon. What's going on? RAUL: (Anxious) I can tell you, Willy. He turns around to face the others. RAUL: The Toads have obviously planned to attack the past Earth on purpose. Fritz is from Earth, right? FRITZ: It's no secret, why? RAUL: I'm coming to that, sir. But there are others who are also from Earth: Natalie, Zak, Andy and even Willy. BUCKY: I get it! And by invading Earth, they'll try to prevent the birth of those people! WILLY: But it's in 2008, that's my future! FRITZ: Yes, and that's the one thing we have to figure out. I'm dispatching all craft to Earth to try and stop this. RAUL: But the Toads are invading almost all the continents at once, we'd have to split up the fleet. FRITZ: Let's not waste time; Bucky can take Africa, Dogstar America, Mimi Asia, Raul Antarctica and Andy will take England. RAUL: The Toads aren't in England. FRITZ: I know, but I want him out of the way while we're dealing with this. SCENE TWO Grimes, Oklahoma, USA, Earth, Year 2008 At a cattle ranch outside the town, a STABLEGIRL is tending to the horses when she hears a low rumbling. The horses become jumpy as the Indefatigable touches down in the next field. The STABLEGIRL becomes protective of her home, and grabs a shotgun. STABLEGIRL: (Yokel Accent) No god-damn alien is gonna take over MY job! COMMANDER DOGSTAR and LIEUTENANT WOLF disembark, and look around completely oblivious to the STABLEGIRL. WOLF: Interesting landscape, sir. DOGSTAR: Indeed, Wolf. I've got a funny feeling that I'm going to like America. THE STABLEGIRL arrives and prods WOLF'S stomach with the nozzle of the gun. STABLEGIRL: (Snaps) Alright, now! Y'all just put your hands up! DOGSTAR: (Frowns) I say, old girl! We're here to help! STABLEGIRL: God! You're a Brit, ain't ya? DOGSTAR: Madam, I happen to be an .S.P.A.C.E. Commander, and I will thank you if you will not keep prodding my first officer with that primitive device! He snatches the gun away and throws it to the ground. THE STABLEGIRL becomes even sharper. STABLEGIRL: (Frustrated) If you're so great, why do ya keep landing your confounded spaceships all over our planet? Answer me that, Mr. Commander! WOLF: (Shouts) ENOUGH! DOGSTAR and THE STABLEGIRL fall silent. WOLF: (Quieter) Now, those craft belong to the Toads who want to wipe out everyone here, and we've come to stop them. STABLEGIRL: (Softly) But why would they want to kill everyone here? WOLF: We have members of our organization from Earth and we must stop the Toads before they re-write History. STABLEGIRL: Sure. Hell, I'll co-operate, all I can! DOGSTAR: Thank you, miss. I'm Commander Dogstar, and this is Lieutenant Wolf. You are...? STABLEGIRL: Tara, Tara Nislow. DOGSTAR: Well, Tara. We need to know as much as possible about the sightings in America. TARA: Well, there's only been three in the States: the first in Sweetwater, a town up the road. The second was at Dover in Delaware and the third was at Carson City in Nevada. DOGSTAR: Do you think we could take a look at Sweetwater? TARA: Sure, follow me! They clamber into a 4X4 and drive off up a dusty road. TARA: What about the rest of the world? You can't beat all of 'em on your own! WOLF: You needn't worry, there are other agents across the world who are also doing their best. SCENE THREE London, England ANDREW, HANNAH and BUTCH try their best to blend in. HANNAH has successfully morphed into the form of an ordinary human, but BUTCH still stands out. They turn into a side-street to try and avoid some POLICEMEN nearby; the road they are on is called Carnaby Street. BUTCH: Look over there! He points to a small shop named "NEIL RICHARDS - FASHION DESIGNER" BUTCH: A clothes store! We could easily get disguises here! As they walk in, ANDREW rubs his head. BUTCH: (Concerned) You OK, boss? ANDREW: (Sighs lightly) It's just a headache, I'm sure it'll clear, but I've a funny feeling I've been here before. They walk into the shop, which is filled with retro-designs from the 1960's. HANNAH rings a bell for service while BUTCH browses through the clothes. BUTCH: What d'ya think? He shows them a saffron-coloured Sergeant Pepper suit, but HANNAH and ANDREW give him weird looks. BUTCH: What? Orange is my favourite colour! From the side room comes an elderly MAN with yellow teeth, small glasses and white hair around the back of his bald head. MAN: (Cockney accent) 'Ow can I 'elp you, lads' 'n' lassies? The trio notice that he is wearing cream-coloured trousers and a jacket with the Union Jack on it. Somehow, ANDREW recognizes him. ANDREW: (Stammers) I...It can't be! MAN: You all right, guv? ANDREW pulls out a photo of the same man, but much younger and with red hair. ANDREW: (Shows photo) Sir, can you tell me if this was you in 1966? THE MAN briefly looks at it and then to ANDREW sternly. MAN: (Serious) Where did you get this? ANDREW: (Turning away) Oh, my heavens! I don't believe this! I was hoping it wouldn't be true, but this man happens to be The Mad Mod. BUTCH: I'm guessing by the name that he's supposed to be a baddie, yeah? MAD MOD: Depends on 'ow you look at somethin', don't it my ducky? ANDREW: But he's not only that, but it turns out that he is also my Great-Uncle. SCENE FOUR Sweetwater, Oklahoma, USA WOLF is examining the piles of ash in the street with TINA while DOGSTAR radios BUCKY. DOGSTAR: (Into radio) Bucky, are you there? Over. BUCKY: (Over radio) Bucky here, what's up? DOGSTAR: We've found the remains of the townspeople, the rest evacuated a while ago, I estimate about 95 dead. BUCKY: What is there to report? DOGSTAR: They were Toads alright, Bucky. The remains were caused by Toad bazookas, and there are prints that match with combat-boots. BUCKY: Any sign of them now? DOGSTAR: No, they seem to have gone, but where I don't know. BUCKY: (Sighs) OK, Dogstar. Bucky out. WOLF'S scanner suddenly blips wildly. WOLF: Sir! Look at this! DOGSTAR comes over to look. WOLF: (Holds out scanner) The Toads have left an ion trail from their bazookas! It could lead us to them! TINA: Ion trails? What does all of that mean? DOGSTAR: It means we can track them and see where they've gone, old girl! SCENE FIVE Kazan, Russia Situated in a town outside Moscow, several STORMTOADS are preparing several slimebombs and attaching them to the underside of their Double- Bubbles. STORMTOAD #1: Hurry up! Toadborg wants that city destroyed now! STORMTOAD #2: We're going as fast as we can! If we hurry, these things could go off too soon! STORMTOAD #1: Well, it's not fast enough! If we are located, they could kill us all if they so pleased! STORMTOAD #2: With bullets? Besides, if Toadborg wanted this place dead in a hurry, why didn't he just poison the atmosphere! STORMTOAD #1: Because WE will be using this planet afterwards! Now shut up and get on with it! Suddenly, one of the slimebombs detonates unexpectedly, setting off a chain reaction. As the other slimebombs detonate, MIMI and DILE watch from the shadows. The enormous eruption of slime towers over the deserted town and splashes to the ground like a large tsunami, with all the TOADS trapped in their own gunge. MIMI: Well done, Dile. Best shot in years! DILE: Thank you, Captain; let's just hope that's the lot. MIMI: (Into radio) Mimi LaFleur reporting, Asia clear. Slimebombs found and destroyed. SCENE SIX Toad Cruiser, Mozambique, Africa The main Mothership has set up camp in Mozambique, and is led by TOADBORG, who is addressed by one of the TOADS. STORMTOAD #3: Toadborg, sir. The party on Madagascar Island have returned. TOADBORG: And what have they to report? STORMTOAD #3: The island was inhabited by apporximately 8,742,000 locals and 12,000 tourists. All tourists dead and so are 120,000 of the locals. TOADBORG: (Hisses) Bah! That is not enough! I ask for complete extermination and you only kill 132,000! STORMTOAD #3: They were prepared for such events, it seems sir. The Earth has been on terrorist alert for some time. TOADBORG: (To another Toad) What have you to report? STORMTOAD #5: The squadron in America is progressing well and are heading towards San Francisco as ordered. TOADBORG: How many casualties? STORMTOAD #4: 1,520 in Oklahoma, 200 in Kansas, 300 in Colorado and 2,000 in Utah. Nevada is estimated to be 800. TOADBORG: 4,820 lives?! You mean to tell me that the destruction of Earth has been in vain?! STORMTOAD #5: (Walks up) Sir, I've just had a report from our team in Asia. The slimebombs were discovered and I'm afraid Asia has liberated from us. TOADBORG grabs him and caves in the TOAD'S very skull with his hands, before throwing the corpse to the floor and snatching away the paper in his hand. TOADBORG: (Interested) We may be able to turn this to our advantage. STORMTOAD #4: (Still disgusted by corpse) S...Sir? TOADBORG: Well, the death toll for Asia has been better than other reports; a total of 500,000. However, this was helped by what appeared to be a war and the result of several of our bombs detonating at once. STORMTOAD #4: Does that mean that we should use more slimebombs sir? TOADBORG: It means that we can use ALL of them! Don't you see? Instead of just wasting precious gun cartridges, we simply swamp it with as much ooze as we can! STORMTOAD #4: I'll alert the men! TOADBORG: And get me the reports for Africa! STORMTOAD #3: Cordon has extended as to Kenya, Uganda and Zaire, and death tolls are said to be 1,036,330. Amongst those dead is King Msawti III. SCENE SEVEN Carnaby Street, London, England Things are not progressing well between ANDREW and MAD MOD. HANNAH overlooks the matter while BUTCH continues to try on several clothes. ANDREW: (Peeved) Millions of families on Earth and I'm cursed by being related to a London looney! MAD MOD: 'Ere! Unlike you, I 'appen to be proud o' this ci'y! At least I hold a respectable job! ANDREW: "Cover" is the better word! Don't think I haven't learned of your twisted games, Uncle! It's things that you do outside this shop that give the family a bad name! MAD MOD: Don' get yer knickers in a twist, laddy. From what you've told me, I don't see why you're so grouchy, you shouldn't even be born y't! HANNAH: (Intervenes) Enough! Arguing solves nothing! Now, if you're going to act like kids, take it outside! They feel a low rumbling from the ground, slowly intensifying. HANNAH: What's that? They run outside, and see several tanks, jeeps and troops marching through London. Some of them are American soldiers, rubbing shoulders with the British Army. MAD MOD: Bit early for a parade, ain't it? HANNAH: (Mumbles) That's no parade, that's a massing! MAD MOD: Don't tell me this has somethin' to do with them Toads you were talkin' about! BUTCH: Afraid so, and those things won't stand a chance. ANDREW: (Serious tone) We need to get back to AMD-4 and contact Bucky. BUTCH: We could use an extra hand...Mr. Mod, would you like to come with? HANNAH & ANDREW: (In unison) WHAT?!?! MAD MOD: Sorry, my li'l furbag, but I don't do goody-goody. ANDREW: In any case, there's nothing you could do, and it takes a lot to gain my trust. They all walk off once the coast is clear, but BUTCH waits for a moment, and tosses some simoleons to MAD MOD. BUTCH: At least take these for the snazzy coat. He shows the Sergeant Pepper jacket in his hand and walks away. MAD MOD watches them through his blue-tinted glasses with a neutral look on his face. SCENE EIGHT The Toad Cruiser TOADBORG and the other Toads are preparing to pull out. TOADBORG: Have all forces been recalled to the Cruiser? STORMTOAD #6: Yes, sir. TOADBORG: What is the total death toll now? STORMTOAD #6: For the entire planet, 1,674,650. TOADBORG: No matter, but when I am finished with San Francisco, I expect the current figure to double. STORMTOAD #7: Sir, the Armed forces are massing along the south of England! TOADBORG: (Snaps) We simply avoid them, you worm! The ship begins to levitate, and the Righteous Indignation suddenly appears from nearby. STORMTOAD #7: (Panics) Toadborg, sir! The Righteous Indignation is on our tail! And I detect three more mammal frigates heading this way! STORMTOAD #6: Shall I order the Double-Bubbles to attack, sir? TOADBORG: (Calmly) No, we shall leave that to the Earth Military. Remember, none of them know the mammals are fighting against us. SCENE NINE Bigbury Bay, Devon, England All along the beaches and cliffs, the tanks, troops and missile launchers have gathered to blow the Toad Cruiser out of the sky. Circling overhead are fighter jets from both the USAF and the RAF, while a few destroyers float in the sea below. Inside a small bunker, several officers are watching for any signs of activity. AMERICAN COLONEL: (Gruff voice) Where the hell are they? BRITISH COMMODORE: (Irish Accent) They should be overhead soon; Africa says she took off ten minutes ago. RUSSIAN ADMIRAL: Why can't we just use submarine missiles? AMERICAN COLONEL: Because they might have jamming beams. A radar screen in the bunker starts blipping. CANADIAN AIR MARSHAL: Here they come! Sure enough, the Toad Cruiser looms overhead with the four frigates in pursuit. AMERICAN COLONEL: (Into the radio) All tanks to open fire on the escort gunships! The tanks begin to open fire on the frigates, while the Navy and Air Force attack the Toads. INSIDE THE FEARLESS... COLONEL RAUL MEW is being accompanied by CORPORAL NASS for the mission, and they dodge the oncoming shells. NASS: (Shakily) I'm guessing they're not too friendly, here! RAUL: Not so much that, Nass. We have to convince them that we're friendly! He grabs a radio. RAUL: (Into radio) All frigates to open fire on the Cruiser! BUCKY: (Over radio) But, Raul, we might set off the... RAUL: (Shouts) DO IT, CAPTAIN! THAT'S AN ORDER! They open fire on the Cruiser, making sure they don't disturb the slimebombs. On the ground, THE AMERICAN COLONEL is suspicious. AMERICAN COLONEL: It stinks; why are they firing on their own ships? CANADIAN AIR MARSHAL: I'll send up a couple of jets and see why. Two of the jet fighters fly alongside the four frigates, fighting off Double-Bubbles en-route. JET PILOT: (Over radio) Air Marshal, the frigates claim to be against the enemy, sir. BRITISH COMMODORE: So, now what do we do? TOADBORG: (Over radio) I'll tell you what you can do! You will destroy the frigates or I shall drop every bomb available on top of your precious country! RUSSIAN ADMIRAL: And why should we co-operate? TOADBORG: Have you ever watched 6000 slimebombs explode at once? The shockwaves will reach as far as Iceland! CANADIAN AIR MARSHAL: (Sternly) Give us time to confer. SCENE TEN Toad Cruiser While the four frigates continue to attack the Double-Bubbles, TOADBORG waits anxiously for the response. STORMTOAD #8: Toadborg, sir. If they do refuse, what can be done about Bucky O' Hare? TOADBORG: Here is a conundrum. If the cloud of slime from a slimebomb detonation can reach up to 2 miles in the air, how much will it be for 6000? STORMTOAD #8: Well, 12,000 miles sir. TOADBORG: Exactly! Those wretched mammals will simply be swamped out of the sky! STORMTOAD #6: (Enters) We've picked up just one surviving Toad from Asia, sir. He's being teleported up now. At a teleportation tube, a very frail and old TOAD arrives with his facial hair completely white and his face wrinkled. STORMTOAD #7: (Shocked) Good heavens! What the devil has happened to you? THE ELDERLY TOAD just groans as he tries to speak. An announcement comes over the intercom. STORMTOAD #9: (Over radio) We've captured Fireball XL6 as it tried to make a frontal assault on the Cruiser. TOADBORG: Excellent! (Flicks on radio) Listen to me, Earthmen! I have hostages aboard, and both you and the mammals will allow me safe passage unless you want them dead! AMERICAN COLONEL: (Over radio) How do we know you're not bluffing? TOADBORG: (Slyly) Why? Shall I kill one as proof? Suddenly, from the ejector tubes steps MAD MOD, now much younger and with his red hair back. His wrinkles are gone and his teeth are now pearly white. MAD MOD: Sorry, me ol' mate, but your invasion will not be televised, as in it's been downright canc'lled! TOADBORG spins around to face the stranger. TOADBORG: (Hisses) And who dares to defy the will of our glorious Empire? MAD MOD: Th' same bloke who don't want 'is country invaded, than' you very much! ELDERLY TOAD: (Feebly) He...he stole my youth! TOADBORG: Silence! I will not hear such rubbish! MAD MOD: (Mockingly) B't when you've got a cane like this, you can do anythin', sunshine! He presents a thin black cane with a ruby on top. Tapping it on the floor, ANDREW and his crew are brought to the bridge. ANDREW: (Smirks slightly) I thought you didn't do goody-goody (!) MAD MOD: Don't mean I don't know 'ow, laddy! TOADBORG blasts some masers from his hands at MAD MOD, but another tap of the cane simply turns them into small English flags. TOADBORG: Your trickery will not save you now, old man! He pulls a lever to release the slimebombs. The frigates, ships and jets can do nothing as they fall to the ground, but MAD MOD taps his cane again, and they explode into fireworks, making and image like the Stars-and-Stripes alongside the Union Jack. BUTCH: (Cracks knuckles) Okay, you toadies! Clobberin' time! STORMTOAD #8: (Snorts) A lion pretending to be a Berserker Baboon! As if the mammals can't sink lower! MAD MOD: Don't get all excited, sno'ty! He hits a button on the ruby, and BUTCH suddenly becomes incredibly muscular, attacking the surrounding TOADS as though they were dolls. HANNAH: (Impressed) Woah! Butch, nice quadroceps! TOADBORG tries the masers again, but MAD MOD counter-attacks, sealing up his fingers with corks created by the cane. TOADBORG snarls when his hands explode as a result. TOADBORG: We shall return here, mammals! Be warned! Hitting a button on the console with his arm, ANDREW, MAD MOD, HANNAH and BUTCH are all ejected, but help is at hand when the Righteous Indignation picks them up, and Fireball XL6 floats alongside with AMD-4 at the controls. BUCKY: (Watches the Cruiser leave) Let's just hope this will be the last stunt that the Toads will try here. JENNY: We'll soon know when Zak gives a report. SCENE ELEVEN UAC HQ, Genus, the next morning FRITZ is speaking with BUCKY, MIMI, RAUL and ANDREW. FRITZ: (Sharply) That was uncalled for, Norris! You jeopardised everything! ANDREW: I was trying to fly away from Earth; I didn't know that the Toads were there! FRITZ: If you hadn't intervened, we could've destroyed Toadborg there and then! BUCKY: Despite the fact it was over land? MIMI: Bucky's right. If we did attack, the slime would've stretched to Greece, then they would have an excuse to fire at us. FRITZ: Let's just be thankful that all the Double-Bubbles were destroyed, no thanks to him! ANDREW: (Whines) You like taunting me, don't you? RAUL: Andy... ANDREW: Don't "Andy" me, Colonel, no offence. But I want to know why you all like to push me around. MIMI: (Changing the subject) Did anyone catch the score of the baseball? ANDREW: (Snaps) Well? Is it because I'm a human, because I'm old, or both? FRITZ: You'll soon find out. Tara! TARA NISLOW appears dressed in a blue uniform. FRITZ: Andy, when you first came here, you were overweight, which gave the UAC a bad image. When you lost that excess weight, we trusted you. ANDREW: (Impatiently) Well? Spit it out! FRITZ: As you're related to a psychotic, we can't endanger the UACs' appearance again. Tara is the new Sub-Lieutenant; you're fired. ANDREW looks on in shock. TO BE CONTINUED... NEXT EPISODE: THE MADDENING OF FRITZ WARNER