Bucky O' Hare In Trading Faces By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE The Toad Mothership TOAD AIR MARSHAL is speaking to KOMPLEX on a videophone. A young MAN in his late twenties with wavy, black hair and a WSP uniform on is tied to a metal pipe in the background. The disc on his jumper indicates that he is on board Fireball XL16. KOMPLEX: And you say that you have discovered the secret of restructuring DNA? AIR MARSHAL: Yes, mighty KOMPLEX. (Holds up a syringe full of glowing purple liquid) In an instant, the DNA can be altered into any other creature, and I shall use this prisoner to demonstrate. He walks over to the XL16 PILOT, who whines. AIR MARSHAL: Don't worry, Patrick Ebony of Fireball XL16, this won't hurt a bit. As the fluid is injected, PATRICK squeals in pain as he slowly and surely turns into a Penguin. KOMPLEX smiles slightly. KOMPLEX: Excellent, Air Marshal. Can this serum turn mammals into Toads? AIR MARSHAL: Yes, mighty KOMPLEX. It can also do vice versa. KOMPLEX: Good, because I have an excellent plan for your discovery. SCENE TWO Apartment Block, Genus, Night BUCKY is in bed reading a small book. He glances at the clock, which reads 11:56 PM. He puts down his book, switches off the lamp and falls asleep. Outside, a chubby TOAD is on the balcony, slowly trying to pick the lock. In the dim light, the TOAD is wearing a white uniform with a small leather cap and earflaps. He picks up his walkie-talkie as he slides the door open. TOAD: (Whispers) Wing Commander Sludge here, I'm about to inject O' Hare with the fluid. AIR MARSHAL: (Low Volume) Good, afterwards, select any mammal at random and inject them with the special serum I gave you. SLUDGE: Roger that, Air Marshal, Wing Commander Sludge out. He moves over to BUCKY with a syringe in hand. BUCKY squirms slightly as the needle goes in, but relaxes as soon as SLUDGE has done his job. SLUDGE then moves out onto the balcony and starts pointing at separate balconies. SLUDGE: Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. He selects the next balcony up, and begins to work on that. After opening the doors, he pulls out another syringe of purple serum. The SHREW in bed also squirms as SLUDGE injects the fluid into his bloodstream. SLUDGE: (Sniggers) Sweet dreams, Corporal Nass. NASS: (Mumbles in his sleep) Goodnight, mommy. SLUDGE presses a button on his belt, and he is teleported out of sight. THE NEXT DAY... BUCKY groans as he gets up, with his vision incredibly blurred. He moves over to what appears to be a sink and washes his face with water. As he rubs the water off with a towel, he sees a Toad looking straight back at him. BUCKY screams slightly, and RAUL runs in. RAUL: Captain! Are you all... He freezes at the sight of this Toad in BUCKY'S pyjamas. RAUL: (Running outside) Security alert! There's a Toad on Genus! Call security! BUCKY realises that something has happened that has turned him into a Toad, and runs out after him. BUCKY: Wait! Colonel, I AM Bucky! Let me explain! RAUL points a gun at BUCKY. RAUL: Put your hands up, Toad! I don't know how you got here, but we'll soon get answers out of you! Before BUCKY can say anymore, several OFFICERS have opened their Apartment doors to see the commotion. ANDREW, who has now lost a fair bit of weight, is on the phone ringing Security. ANDREW: Security! There's a Toad here, wearing Captain O' Hare's pyjamas! SHIRLEY SQUIRREL: What kind of sick Toad would want to wear mammal pyjamas? BUCKY: But I am Bucky, Colonel! Why won't anyone believe me? SHIRLEY SQUIRREL: I'll believe you when I change my name to Samuel! BUCKY: Shirley, please! Before he can say anymore, two HARE guards tow him away. CORPORAL NASS arrives in his uniform, in the form of a green rabbit, yet NASS appears oblivious to it. RAUL: Ah, Bucky! Do you realise that a Toad has just been wearing your pyjamas? NASS: What? RAUL: Exactly! Now you get into your uniform and get on patrol, them Toads are up to something. NASS: But, sir, I... RAUL: (Finishes his sentence) Want to find out how that Toad got here? Don't worry; Commander Dogstar will take care of that. You just get your uniform on, and that's an order! NASS: (Quietly) Yes, sir. He goes into BUCKY'S apartment, while SHIRLEY SQUIRREL and ANDREW speak to one another. SHIRLEY SQUIRREL: Strange. ANDREW: What? SHIRLEY SQUIRREL: Hasn't Bucky grown taller? SCENE THREE Interrogation Room 2, Genus COMMANDER DOGSTAR and LIEUTENANT HORST are interrogating a very shaky BUCKY, who has his head in his hands. DOGSTAR: I won't ask you again, how did you get onto Genus? BUCKY: Dogstar! Why won't you believe me? I am Captain Buckminster O' Hare! DOGSTAR: (Snorts) Don't make me laugh! You may have perfected the voice, but you would need an elaborate disguise to fool me! BUCKY: (Takes his head out of his hands) Supposing I was to prove I am Bucky, would you believe me then? DOGSTAR: And how would I know that you didn't find that proof out when you were snooping for information in your own apartment? HORST: (To Dogstar) Commander, might I speak with you? DOGSTAR and HORST move to another side of the room, while BUCKY slumps over the table, sobbing. HORST: (Whispers) Commander, I very rarely forget a face from the Toad Homeworld and I have never seen him before. He doesn't seem at all loyal to KOMPLEX, perhaps he's telling the truth. DOGSTAR: (Quietly) It's a possibility, but the only way to be sure would be a thorough medical exam, and the only facility to carry out a test that size is on Conva. HORST: To send Bucky there would drive him to suicide! DOGSTAR: Not unless we do things quietly. They both look at BUCKY as he quietly sobs and mumbles to himself. SCENE FOUR The Righteous Indignation JENNY is preparing the ship for blast-off, when CORPORAL NASS arrives; wearing BUCKY'S uniform that looks too tight against his tall posture. He carefully sits down, with JENNY looking at him up and down. JENNY: You look different, Bucky. Have you grown? NASS: Jenny, I'm not Bucky. I'm Corporal Nass. Something must've happened to me and Bucky last night that changed our bodies. JENNY: Well, you do have a different voice, and that uniform doesn't appear to fit you. But how can you prove it? NASS: Try calling up Genus Control. JENNY: (Into radio) This is The Righteous Indignation to Genus Control, request permission to launch, over. CONTROL: (On radio) Genus Control here, you have permission to launch. JENNY: Where is Corporal Nass, over? CONTROL: He is absent today, First Mate, reason unknown as yet, over. JENNY: (Sighs) Roger, over and out. She looks at NASS, as he looks back with the same look. JENNY: Well, I'll assume that you're Nass, but where are they taking Bucky? NASS: From what Dogstar tells me, they're taking him to Conva for a check-up. JENNY: To Conva we go! The frigate slowly launches into space. As they pass through Genus' defences, they see the small shuttle heading towards Conva, which they follow. SCENE FIVE Conva The Prison Planet, once another barren planet in the Aniverse, is now an entire planet full of Prison Cells, as well as Quarters for the staff, Docking Bays and Borstals for the younger criminals. BUCKY is being escorted through a maze of corridors by two PIG GUARDS. As they move along, BUCKY notices the varied places for the prisoners. In the canteen, he notices several of his past foes eating some kind of oatmeal. One person he notices is JACK SLICER, the former Admiral for the UAC, but JACK doesn't recognise BUCKY. Inside a Testing Room, two DALEKS in their silver and blue-bump livery are offline with two "helmets" attached to their domes. Neither of the DALEKS have guns, as they have been removed from their armour. The final room is the most chilling. Though the door is shut, the hazard symbols on the reinforced door suggest that it is a Gas Chamber. Soon, they arrive at a door marked with the Maltese Cross, and moving through it, they move into a large surgery. There are three DOCTORS and one NURSE inside, all wearing uniform of St. John Ambulance, as the Red Cross no longer exists in the Aniverse. PIG GUARD #1: (Gruff) The Toad-Hare genetic mix-up case for you. THE NURSE looks up, she is a young LEOPARD, and very attractive through BUCKY'S eyes. NURSE: (Jenny's Voice) Thank you, you are dismissed. The two GUARDS leave. The four DOCTORS tear off their laboratory coats that conceal their figures. One is NASS, still in his rabbit guise. The 2nd is WILLY and the third DEADEYE. THE NURSE suddenly morphs into the shape of JENNY. BUCKY: Jenny? JENNY: Hey, Captain. (Points to Nass) Corporal Nass here has had the same problem. We've already taken his blood sample, and someone has rearranged his DNA. WILLY: And if he's been changed into a rabbit, then someone must've changed you into a Toad. DEADEYE: Aye, it be them Toadies! They're up to no good, Bucky, me lad! BUCKY: And I think I know the person who's helping them. SCENE SIX The Toad Mothership TOAD AIR MARSHAL is with FRANKENSTOAT in front of an enormous machine. PATRICK is lying unconscious in the background, free of his bonds, but still in the form of a Penguin. The machine is pumping out barrels of the purple fluid and neatly stacking them into piles, presumably for the different kinds of DNA. AIR MARSHAL: And this is your brainchild, eh Frankenstoat? FRANKENSTOAT: (Raspy) Yes, Air Marshal. I'm glad it pleases you. AIR MARSHAL: I'm glad it pleases mighty KOMPLEX. There is a reverse process, isn't there? FRANKENSTOAT: Oh, yes. He points to a lone barrel on the other side of the room. FRANKENSTOAT: That barrel there is my only Anti-Serum formula that can reverse any of these DNA-Altering Fluids. Once I complete your demand, shall I begin a mass-production of Anti-Serum? AIR MARSHAL: If you please. The last thing I want is Frix & Frax turning the entire Toad populous into who-knows what. Neither of the two notice PATRICK waddling slowly into the shadows. In the shadows are BUCKY, JENNY, WILLY, CORPORAL NASS & DEADEYE. PATRICK gets as far as he can from AIR MARSHAL'S view. PATRICK: (Welsh Accent) Who are you? NASS: Friends. Are you ready, Captain? BUCKY: Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go. He gets up, wearing what appears to be the uniform of a Toad NCO. WILLY: (Whispers) Good job we bumped into that Toad when we did. BUCKY walks up to TOAD AIR MARSHAL and FRANKENSTOAT; Believing that he is an actual TOAD, he is not recognized. AIR MARSHAL: Leading Spacecraftsman Woodall, what are you doing here? BUCKY: (Low Pitched voice) I was told to come and assist you, Air Marshal. AIR MARSHAL: Well, if you must help, go and fetch that barrel over there. BUCKY walks up to the Anti-Serum barrel and splashes the yellow fluid over his face. AIR MARSHAL: (Furious) Leading Spacecraftsman Woodall, what are you doing?! The pair step back as BUCKY returns to his rabbit form. AIR MARSHAL doesn't realise that FRANKENSTOAT has snuck aboard an Escape Pod and ejected into space. BUCKY: I'm sorry, Air Marshal, but Leading Spacecraftsman Woodall died 1/2 hour ago. AIR MARSHAL: I'll make you suffer for this, O' Hare! BUCKY: Not before you suffer this! He fires his maser pistol at the machine, which grinds to a halt, and the barrels of fluid start to leak. A barrel hitting him on the head stuns AIR MARSHAL. BUCKY grabs the Anti-Serum drum and the group run out, moving here and there to prevent being seen by passing TOADS. SCENE SEVEN Genus Control Centre 2nd LIEUTENANT FRANCIS REGINALD has taken over Genus Control during CORPORAL NASS'S absence. The TECHNICIANS go about their business, while FRITZ is present with REGINALD'S right-hand man, STAFF SERGEANT MAJOR VINCENT DUMAS, a frail panther with a Royal Artillery uniform. KADAF is watching the world go by from the massive windows surrounding the control room. FRITZ: Anything? VINCENT: (Tough, American accent) Nothing as yet, sir. The rangerscopes have detected a Toad Mothership nearby with one Escape Pod being jettisoned. FRITZ: Any lifeforms on board? VINCENT: One mammal. I can't tell whether it's a weasel, a rat or a dog. KADAF: (Looking up at the sky) I think I can see the Righteous from here! VINCENT: I can see it too! I detect another craft with it, cleared along with the Righteous by Orwell. FRITZ: (Interested) What is its classification? VINCENT types in some keys, and the ship's data shows up. VINCENT: (Puzzled) This can't be right. It's a Fireball craft, yet the occupant's doesn't match the XL6. FRITZ: What? We'd better go down and take a look. BUCKY: No need! Standing by the lift are BUCKY, now back in his uniform, with PATRICK & CORPORAL NASS who are still in their mammal guises. NASS has borrowed Woodall's suit that BUCKY stole on the Mothership. FRITZ: Captain O' Hare? Where's the Toad, and who is this Hare? BUCKY: For a start off, I had tried to tell you that I was that Toad, and I have here a barrel of Anti-Serum to prove it. FRITZ: From the Toads? BUCKY: Exactly. He produces the barrel from behind his back and slaps some onto NASS'S face. He slowly morphs into his normal Shrew appearance, while FRITZ, KADAF, FRANCIS & VINCENT watch in amazement. FRANCIS: So, the Toads wanted Bucky out of the way and an inexperienced UAC member to wreck the fleet. Then who is this penguin? PATRICK: The test subject, hold on. He splashes his face with the serum and changes back into a human being. FRITZ: So, who are you? PATRICK: Patrick Ebony of Fireball XL16, on duty for the World Space Patrol. He walks out onto the balcony, and notices the XL6 down below. PATRICK: And I see you recovered the remains of the Sub-Lieutenant. NASS: (Nervous) Oh! Y...Yes! We found the ship drifting in space; the pilot must've had some trouble. PATRICK: If he were entering a Black Hole on full power, I'm not surprised. That kind of combination can create speeds of Mach 11! Still, that won't be enough to convince Commander Zero to remove the bounty on his head. FRITZ: If you're suggesting that you impound the XL6, that's out of the question. The UAC commandeered the XL6 and she now serves as our rescue ship. PATRICK: Very well, I'll keep my mouth shut after your gallant Captain here rescued me from those Toads. BUCKY: You needn't worry about them, Patrick; they can handle themselves. SCENE EIGHT The Toad Mothership A squat, white RABBIT is writhing on the floor as he struggles to get up. THE RABBIT is wearing TOAD AIR MARSHAL'S uniform, and has the same posture. Just as THE RABBIT gets to his feet, the doors open as WING COMMANDER SLUDGE enters. SLUDGE: Well, Air Marshal, I've come to collect the order. He realises who he is speaking too. RABBIT: (Air Marshal's Voice) What are you staring at, Commander? SLUDGE: (Alarmingly) Mammals! Red Alert! A Mammal has destroyed the supply of DNA Serum! Red Alert! RABBIT: (Looks at himself up and down) Oh, no... THE END