“Mostly Harmless: The What-If Elseworld of Bucky O' Hare”
By Andrew Norris


NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

With most of my stories, I have tended to be satirical about the idea 
of parallel universes, and in a break from the continuity of my 
stories, would like to write one that takes the theory seriously.


As such, this particular story is not to be considered canon with any 
forms of Bucky O'Hare, whether comics, cartoon, web series or fan 
fiction. It is simply a fluke.


SCENE ONE - San Francisco, California, 1976

WILLY is staring out at the ocean from the seafront. It is late at 
night, and WILLY looks exhausted after a night out dancing. He is still 
dressed in disco attire, and is half-awake.


WILLY: I bet Cliff Richard never gets all sentimental like this after a 
night like tonight. (Yawns) Still, tomorrow's another day, and at least 
Jenny didn't disturb me tonight.


He gets into his car, a pale-yellow 1971 Chevy Nova, and begins to 
drive away. As he is driving, he switches on the radio, which starts to 
play "The Last Race" by Jack Nitzsche. WILLY relaxes as the music 
plays, but the radio suddenly crackles into static and JENNY'S voice 
cuts in.


JENNY: (Over radio) Willy! Willy, are you there?


WILLY: (Groans) Why did I build that memory-stone into the radio?


JENNY: Willy, we need your help. We've just finished a scrap with the 
Toads, but the engine is badly damaged.


WILLY: Can't you ask someone at the station to help you?


JENNY: (Confused) Willy? We're not at a space station, we're adrift in 
open space, and...


WILLY starts and swerves, narrowly avoiding a truck that blares its 
horn past him.


WILLY: (Now fully awake) OK! OK, Jenny! I'll be right there!


He hits the accelerator and speeds away into the night.


SCENE TWO - The Righteous Indignation, The Aniverse

WILLY has been working on the engines for almost an hour, and is 
covered in oil all over. He is accompanied by BLINKY, who looks more 
like a stereotypical box-shaped robot from the 1950's, and is almost 
WILLY'S height.


BLINKY: (Deep, buzzing voice) Does humble engineer require assistance?


WILLY: (Straining with a wrench) No...thanks. I'll be fine, Blinky, I 
promise.


BLINKY: Humble robot feels concern for Engineer DuWitt. Do you require 
assistance on other matters?


WILLY: Only if you can tell Bucky I'm nearly finished.


BLINKY: Very well.


BLINKY walks towards the hatch, hissing steam loudly as he walks, but 
is halted by BUCKY, who is different only in stature, build and 
uniform. He is slightly taller, thinner, and his uniform is a 
decorative white that appears more like a figure-hugging jumpsuit that 
emboldens his muscular frame.


BUCKY: What's the damage, Willy?


WILLY: Whatever they were using, it certainly knocked the main fuel 
lines out of place. I've patched them up as best as I can, and they 
should hold until you get to Orwell. Besides that, the transistors were 
fried and the Hyperdrive was partly damaged.


BUCKY: But it will hold until we get to Orwell, right?


WILLY: (Nods) Yep, but that's the best I can do.


BUCKY: You've done your best, Willy, that's all we can ask for. Now, 
you get yourself some sleep, yoy look exhausted!


WILLY just smiles, and lumbers through his door, which soon disappears 
and out of sight.


BUCKY: (To himself) I'll never know how he can disco and have enough 
energy to fix up a warp-drive in the same day.


BLINKY: Humble robot believes it is superior muscle-tone of Engineer 
DuWitt which enables such accomplishments.


BUCKY simply smiles, and returns to the bridge. Outside, the Righteous 
Indignation looks more like a flying-wing in shape than it's unusual 
form, but retains it's orange tint and pink windows, as it continues to 
fly through space.


SCENE THREE - A Laboratory, Aldebaran

QUEEN KATRINA (who is dressed in conservative blue) walks in, 
accompanied by FELICIA (whose clothes are far more casual than her 
lilac jumpsuit) and two GUARDS. A FEMALE SCIENTIST is at work on 
something on a bench, which is blocked from view.


KATRINA: How is the work progressing, doctor?


SCIENTIST: Terribly, my dear Queen. We've perfected artificial 
intelligence, but it is a case of tuning it to the right frame of mind 
we desire.


KATRINA: What do you mean?


SCIENTIST: Well, your Majesty, the artificial intelligence simply gives 
a robot life as we know it, but it's personality is set on a completely 
different circuit, and we have trouble in perfecting it.


KATRINA: (Raises an eyebrow) And what is the problem?


SCIENTIST: (Gestures with hands) The moment we switched him on, he 
began to act so pitifully and melancholic that we just HAD to switch 
him off!


KATRINA: Let me see this for myself.


The object on the bench is now made out to be a large, box-shaped robot 
made of shining silver metal. It has claws for hands, two triangular 
orange-yellow eyes and a plaque on the chest reading:


N - Nutomic
O - Oscillation
R - Robotic
R - Randomizing
I - Interstellar
S - Servant

THE SCIENTIST flicks a lever on the side of the robot now identified as 
N.O.R.R.I.S., and the robot instantly jerks up and weeps in an 
electronic voice, as though it is actually crying.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: (Sobbing, fizzing voice) It's so hopeless! I can't face 
another day!


FELICIA: (Moving beside him) Hey, what's wrong?


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Everything! I'm a failure! I'm a terrible robot! I'm a 
terrible invention! I can't even make a simple calculation without 
looking like a weirdo!


As he continues to sob, KATRINA moves alongside FELICIA as N.O.R.R.I.S. 
continues to sob. THE SCIENTIST then switches him off, and the robot 
clatters back onto the bench.


SCIENTIST: As you can see, your Majesty, it is a little difficult to 
get him to focus on matters at hand without him wallowing in self-pity.


As she talks, FELICIA notices a domed circuitboard made to fit over a 
memory stone, which is sitting on a table.


FELICIA: Hey! What's this?


SCIENTIST: (Looks at object) Oh, that's still something our team is 
working on, your Highness. It is an experimental Energy Chanelling 
Device; any sisters that are too far away to recieve help from others 
can recieve energy from the wearer, whose magic is combined with 
advanced neurological technology that may prove useful for warriors 
wounded in a far-off battle.


KATRINA: (Nods) But to come back to the business at hand, how much 
longer will it take for this robot to be completed in time for the 
meeting with Admiral Blade?


SCIENTIST: Assuming we can get this personality problem sorted, we may 
be able to have it ready shortly before the banquet begins.


FELICIA, who is not in the conversation, sneaks the Device into her 
pocket when nobody else is looking.


FELICIA: (Thinks) < Maybe dear Willy won't be so tired out after the 
meeting, if I could just pull it off! >


SCENE FOUR - UAC Admiralty, Genus

BUCKY is present in a quiet meeting, along with DOGSTAR (who looks 
younger and muscular), MIMI (who appears to look thinner and sterner) 
and JENNY, who has changed little besides her uniform. All of them are 
wearing white, figure-hugging suits like BUCKY, and they salute as 
FLEET-ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE, who know looks elderly and wrinkled, enters 
and returns the salute before sitting down.


RYGAR: (Frail) Now, I've gathered you four here because of the banquet 
that is due tomorrow on Albebaran. As you are all aware, Aldebaran was, 
until recently, neutral in the Toad Wars, but has of late decided to 
join the United Animals Coalition against the Toad Union. I shall be 
attending the official meeting with Queen Katrina to sign the Pact of 
the Sisters that will bring Aldebaran into the Coalition.


DOGSTAR: Beg pardon, sir, but what will we be doing during this time?


RYGAR: All of you have had some links to Aldebaran in the past. 
Lieutenant Jenny, for example, is part of the royal lineage, and 
Captain LaFleur once helped to save the Queen's life during a terrorist 
raid by the Church of Chemistrology. As such, I'd like you all to be 
present during the signing of the Pact. I've posted other officers to 
act as security for the journey there and back, and I've recieved a 
request by Princess Felicia for one other person to be present.


BUCKY: Let me guess, Willy?


RYGAR: (Nods) I think it would be wise that he attends, especially as 
the two have been...attached since the invasion of the Dark Heart 
Nebula three years ago, Captain.


MIMI: Who is acting as Chief of Security, sir?


RYGAR: I've given Major Squirrel that honour, and Captain Mew will be 
in command of Genus during our absence. We launch from Genus Control at 
exactly 06:00 hours tomorrow, with all three frigates accompanying my 
private shuttle. Until then, I suggest you all get some rest.


They all exchange salutes, and the meeting retires.


SCENE FIVE - The Toad Homeworld

The appearance of the homeworld is far more utilitarian and 
militaristic than the actual homeworld, and appears more reminiscent of 
Soviet Russia, including banners of KOMPLEX plastered everywhere. In a 
control room, TOADBORG lumbers in, but lacks a colour scheme and has 
one arm equipped with a hydraulic grabber rather than a hand. KOMPLEX 
(whose face appears green rather than blue) appears on a screen in 
front of him.


KOMPLEX: You requested an audience, comrade?


TOADBORG: I wished to inform you, mighty Premier, that our spy has 
successfully won the favour of the Queen, and is ready to strike at any 
given moment.


KOMPLEX: Very good, comrade. When will the information we require be 
transmitted?


TOADBORG: Our spy has transmitted half of the information, and will 
send the remainder after the attack. The Queen appears anxious to 
reveal a prototype robot to the decadent mammals at the signing of the 
Treaty, but the machine is undergoing an emotional malfunction.


KOMPLEX: Make certain that the robot is destroyed along with the rest 
of those bourgeois whores, comrade Toadborg. Go now, and fight for the 
glory of Premier KOMPLEX and the glory of the Motherland.


The screen de-activates, and TOADBORG clanks away, his eyes glowing 
menacingly.


SCENE SIX - Launching Bay, Genus Control Centre

RYGAR'S private-shuttle, which looks like a large, blue manta-ray, is 
sitting patiently to take off, with the three frigates nestled around 
it. Several more frigates are either to one side or are in the midst of 
taking off. In the Control Tower, merely a control cabin overlooking 
the concealed launch bay, CORPORAL RICHARD NASS (now taller and with a 
bionic right eye) is overlooking the procedure.


NASS: Are the secondary escorts airborne?


OPERATIVE #1: Only the Courageous and the Crusader, corporal. We're 
waiting for the Victorious to launch.


NASS: Tell Captain Farrell to get her crate moved! Time isn't on our 
side, soldier!


One of the frigates in the background finally launches, just as the 
crews for the main escorts enter the Hangar. DOGSTAR and MIMI take up 
their positions, whilst BUCKY and JENNY continue walking towards their 
ship.


JENNY: Do you think Willy will be up to this? I mean, it's the first 
time since the Nebula incident that he's been to Aldebaran.


BUCKY: I'm sure he'll be fine as long as the cameras get their shots. 
Do you think they'll get him to make a speech or something?


JENNY: I doubt it, although you might have considered that on our 
wedding night! How you got away with it, I'll never know!


BUCKY simply smirks, and they both climb into their ship. Once all the 
frigates are prepared for launch, the control room begins to buzz.


OPERATIVE #1: All frigates report to be on stand-by.


OPERATIVE #2: Shuttle Alpha reports all systems green.


OPERATIVE #3: All vessels preparing for liftoff clearance, corporal.


NASS: Clearance granted, private! We're making history here, not pasta!


The three frigates liftoff in a neat procession, with the shuttle 
acting as centre. The three other frigates that launched earlier 
accompany the cavalcade as far as the moon of Genus, before turning 
back.


FARRELL: (Over radio) Escort beyond satellite system complete. Good 
luck, Captain O'Hare!


BUCKY: Same to you, Farrell, see you in a few days.


The three escorts return to base, whilst the cavalcade enters 
hyperspace and disappears into the void.


SCENE SEVEN - Aldebaran

Preparations are being made for the arrival of the group. A platform 
and podium have been set up in the gardens, several stacks of chairs 
have been set up and TV cameras are being rigged to capture the moment. 
KATRINA is overlooking all of this with FELICIA.


KATRINA: I hope that all goes well, Felicia. This is a turning point 
for our planet, and I sincerely hope that the occasion will go 
according to plan.


As she speaks, FELICIA attaches the Channeller to the spell gem on her 
head, and instantly blends into it's surroundings as though it is not 
there. When KATRINA finishes speaking, THE SCIENTIST marches up with 
N.O.R.R.I.S. straggling behind.


SCIENTIST: I have tried all I can, Your Majesty, but I'm afraid I 
cannot make any further improvements with the limited time we have.


KATRINA: (Uneasily to N.O.R.R.I.S.) H...Hello? Robot? How are you?


N.O.R.R.I.S.: (Now a deep, droning voice) Don't feel as if you have to 
take any notice of me. I know you hate me.


KATRINA: Who told you that?


N.O.R.R.I.S.: No-one, but I can tell you don't like me. (points to 
Scientist) She doesn't.


FELICIA: (Irritated) Oh, cheer up! There's lots of nice things to think 
about! Use your imagination for once!


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Imagination? Why should I do that? Life's bad enough 
without making any more of it.


KATRINA: (Sighs) He'll have to do, I'll just need to explain the 
problem when our guests arrive.


FELICIA: Will Willy be there, grandmother?


KATRINA: (Nods) With the politics involved in this pact, I should think 
he'd be encouraged to attend rather than simply stand aside.


SCIENTIST: But to think, your Majesty, with this alliance, Aldebaran 
will now be protected from the Toad revolutionaries, and we can have a 
more secure place in the Aniverse!


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Sounds awful.


They hear the rumbling of spaceships overhead, and the cavalcade 
appears in the skies, slowly descending towards the spaceport. As they 
prepare to land, all the ALDEBARANS rush around preparing for their 
arrival, taking up specified positions around a red carpet for RYGAR to 
step on. As the doors to the shuttle open, the line of trumpeters 
around the red carpet begin to play the Aldebaran national anthem, 
which sounds like a mixture of "Land of Hope and Glory" and "The 
Marsialles".


KATRINA: (Murmurs) Here we go.


FLEET-ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE emerges, along with an ADJUTANT at his heels. 
The cameras roll as RYGAR and KATRINA shake hands, whilst the other 
frigates slowly touch down on nearby launch pads. BUCKY, DOGSTAR and 
MIMI emerge first, with JENNY, a lanky LT. WOLF and a cyborg JONOTHAN 
WEISSMAN following suit. WILLY is the only other person to alight, and 
is wearing a cleaner, more formal version of his disco gear. WILLY 
himself looks tired, so MIMI angrily elbows him in the stomach.


MIMI: (Low, hissing) Stay awake, will you? You can have a rest when the 
cameras are off!


LATER...

Having finished the photography, the officers are mingling with some of 
Aldebaran's elite. FELICIA is trying to break away from a conversation 
with LT. WOLF to see WILLY, who is lying half asleep in a corner of the 
garden. KATRINA is speaking to RYGAR, BUCKY, JENNY and MIMI when 
N.O.R.R.I.S. trundles into view.


RYGAR: (Smiles) Ah, this must be the prototype you've been speaking of!


KATRINA: (Awkwardly) Yes, but we've had a little trouble with the 
personality programming.


RYGAR: Ah, but you can't get everything right the first time, your 
Majesty. It has taken Genus centuries to perfect the robots we have 
now!


JENNY: Might we speak with him, your Highness?


KATRINA: Very well, but I can't guarantee that you'll enjoy it. (To 
N.O.R.R.I.S.) Robot!


N.O.R.R.I.S. jerks his head up, hearing her command, and clanks 
obediently toward the group.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: I can't honestly say that I'm enjoying this, your 
Majesty. Would you prefer me to sit in a corner and rust or just go 
jump into the main reactor?


RYGAR: (Reads nameplate) N.O.R.R.I.S.? Peculiar name, I must say.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Yes, wretched isn't it?


KATRINA: This is as much improvement as we can possibly create. Before, 
he was a sobbing wreck, but this is his quietest.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Wouldn't you be a sobbing wreck if you had nothing to do?


RYGAR: (A little worried) Yes, but I'm sure things will improve.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Don't bet on it.


Eventually, FELICIA breaks through to WILLY. Their conversation is 
drowned out by a strings section playing a piece of chamber music 
nearby. She huddles him into a hedge-maze at the back of the garden, 
and begins to purr at him.


FELICIA: (Playfully) What's wrong, Willy? Not in the mood for a party?


WILLY: (Yawns) Not when you've spent half the night fixing up a warp-
drive, no.


FELICIA: Oh, poor Willy. Maybe your little Nursey can fix you up.


She enfolds him in her arms and hugs him. Her spell-gem glows, and the 
two are enveloped in a goldenrod-yellow light. The Energy-Chaneller 
whirs loudly as WILLY is given excess energy, and then dies down. After 
the embrace, WILLY is alive with energy and appears somewhat 
hyperactive.


WILLY: (Fast-paced) Gee, thanks Felicia! That really felt great! I 
really needed a booster!


FELICIA: (Unsure) Willy, are you OK?


WILLY Shh! I hear something! Let's go see!


They move a little way into the maze, where THE SCIENTIST is speaking 
to TOADBORG over a wrist-videophone. WILLY and FELICIA listen carefully 
at what is going on.


TOADBORG: You are certain that the robot has been programmed for the 
task?


SCIENTIST: Yes, comrade! I have the remote control here! (Demonstrates 
a remote control unit) When I switch him to Manual control, I will wipe 
out the delegates and the Queen, then this bourgeois planet will fall 
to the mighty Soviet Premier, KOMPLEX!


TOADBORG: See that it is done, and you shall be handsomely rewarded.


He cuts her off, but before THE SCIENTIST can activate the control, 
FELICIA and WILLY step forward.


FELICIA: Sister Daphne! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!


DAPHNE: (Grins evilly) Survival of the fittest, "sister". I will wipe 
out your decadent sisters and shall gladly join the Toad Union!


WILLY: (Normal-paced) But that's treachery! You'll betray your own 
kind!


DAPHNE: I like to be on the winning side, dear boy. Did you really 
think I was really so stuck on that measly prototype? He is cobbled 
together from Toadium! He is rightfully a product of the Toads, 
designed for nothing but to wipe out the bourgoiese!


She, FELICIA and WILLY all enter a struggle for the remote control, 
wrestling one another to the floor and reaching out for the remote that 
falls into each others hands.


AT THE GALA...

RYGAR and KATRINA are the only ones left speaking to N.O.R.R.I.S. and 
look incredibly bored. N.O.R.R.I.S. appears unchanged in his position.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Of course, even if I did get a decent position, I'd get 
bored too easily. Even we robots get fed up of the same routine over 
and over...


One of the buttons on the remote control is pressed. N.O.R.R.I.S. moves 
from a slouching position to upright, and his eyes flash red 
menacingly.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Emergency! Emergency! Alien life-form, must destroy!


He moves towards RYGAR, but quickly returns to normal when the remote 
is de-activated. BUCKY, DOGSTAR and other S.P.A.C.E. officers present 
aim their weapons at the poor robot.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: You see? I knew you wouldn't like me.


The remote is pressed again, and N.O.R.R.I.S. sets his sights on 
KATRINA, aiming a claw at her throat. Another push of a button returns 
him to normal, and the atendees are growing impatient.


BUCKY: What in the name of antimatter is going on?!


BLINKY: Allow me to assist.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: Brilliant. Another self-satisfied robot programmed not to 
get bored.


BLINKY removes what seems to be a circuit-board from N.O.R.R.I.S. via 
an inspection hatch in the front. BLINKY then hands it to LT. WOLF, who 
inspects it carefully.


WOLF: Remote control unit. This prototype was being used.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: I could have told you that.


JENNY: Wait! Where's Willy?


They all look around, and hear the commotion in the maze, before 
running into the maze to halt the problem. During this time, it appears 
that DAPHNE has the upper-hand, but the Energy-Channeller FELICIA is 
wearing is continuously feeding WILLY with extra energy, and WILLY uses 
this energy to his advantage. After FELICIA breaks free of the 
struggle, WILLY knocks the remote out of DAPHNE'S hand, which flies off 
to one side, and continues to beat up DAPHNE until the group arrives, 
by which time DAPHNE is a quivering wreck.


KATRINA: (Almost shouting) Just what on Aldebaran is going on here?!


FELICIA: It is Sister Daphne, grandmother! (Picks up remote) She was 
using this remote to try and kill you and Admiral Blade!


DOGSTAR: (Takes remote) Remote? What's it for, old girl?


WILLY: (Pants for breath) It controls the prototype robot Daphne built 
for the occasion, from leftover scrap metal supplied by the Toads!


MIMI: (Sternly, to Daphne) Is this true?


DAPHNE, who is too weak to talk, just nods once. Unconvinced, KATRINA 
shakes her head. There is a sound of clanking as N.O.R.R.I.S. and 
BLINKY step forward. BLINKY has the remote control unit in his hands, 
which BUCKY picks up.


BUCKY: (Placing unit on floor) Dogstar, when I say now, activate the 
remote. (Pause) Now!


A button is pressed, and the circuit board hums into life, charring 
some of the grass beneath it. Another button deactivates it, and BUCKY 
fires his maser on the control unit to destroy it.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: (Ecstatic, cheerful voice) Hey, that's just great guys! 
Now we can get on with this amazing gala!


Everyone is confused at the sudden change in attitude, but BLINKY gives 
a simple explanation.


BLINKY: Humble robot explain. Personality software chip inserted in 
reverse. Humble robot reinserted chip and normal personality installed 
into humble prototype.


N.O.R.R.I.S.: You've got it! And I feel just great, everyone! I feel 
like calculating the length of the Aniverse to ten decimal places!


BUCKY: (Murmurs to Jenny) I think I preferred him when he was 
miserable.


LATER...

The celebrations are over, and sunset is beginning on Aldebaran. The 
ships are now in a hangar for an overnight stay, and all the crews are 
in seperate apartments, except for WILLY, who is preparing to pass 
through his door into his own world, with FELICIA speaking to him. 
BLINKY is offline and lies connected to several wires in the 
background.


FELICIA: (Holding the Energy-Channeller in her hand) I'm sorry I 
tricked you, Willy.


WILLY: It's OK, Felicia. You were just curious, and I'm sorta glad you 
did use it after that.


FELICIA: Are you sure you're fine, though? I know that you're not an 
Aldebaran, and I was worried that it might affect you badly.


WILLY: Well, besides a headache, I'm fine, really. Just take care of 
yourself, and I'll see you tomorrow.


They hug each other tightly, and kiss one another on the lips, before 
WILLY steps through the door, that disappears into nothingness.


THE END