"Crossover Convention" by Fero McPiglet and Rygar First draft - 8/19/02 Final draft - 2/25/04 SCENE 1 - GENUS PUBLIC LIBRARY The public library is a huge, quiet place where rows of books greet and daunt visitors. Various animals mill about, grabbing books off shelves, typing at computer terminals, or sitting at tables and flipping through books. CAPTAIN BUCKY O'HARE, however, sits in front of a large screen in a side room, going over old newspaper microfilms. BUCKY (scrolling through the films) It's got to be in here somewhere. Image after image appears on the screen as Bucky flips through the front page of editions of The Genus Daily Standard from three years ago. Finally, he stops on one page with the huge banner headline "UAC CHAIRMAN DEAD." BUCKY Bingo. Bucky scrolls down the page, looking at the picture right beneath the headline. It displays a large stage and a podium, both riddled with maser holes. Lying on the stage to the right of the podium is Chairman Pigton, apparently shot dead. Bucky's eyes narrow. BUCKY (under his breath) That bastard fooled us all. Looking for clues, Bucky continues to scan the photo. He notices that near the back of stage, slightly out of focus, sit the rest of the UAC Security Council. He can clearly make out Vice Chairman Sanzer Griff and a few other current members of the Council. There also sit a few members he doesn't really remember. BUCKY I haven't thought about those guys in years. (beat, thinking) Wait a second. Bucky counts how many people are sitting in the Council. BUCKY Six. And Pigton makes seven. But there are eight members of the Council. There always have been. (rubs his chin) So who was missing that day? Bucky's eyebrows suddenly jump in realization. BUCKY Richard O'Neil! He was on the Council back then. Exhaling through his nose, Bucky curls his paws into fists. An image of Shira O'Neil briefly pops into his head, but he wills it to fade, focusing again on the newspaper image. BUCKY He's got to know something. Otherwise, he would have been there that day. (beat, under his breath) Besides, I don't have any other leads. I can't trust anyone in the UAC, and the records on Pigton are sealed so tight that even Fritz can barely get to them. (stands up from his chair) I think I'll pay Councilman O'Neil a little visit. He's probably still in Feldspar Prison on Warren. (pauses) I can't just take off for Warren, though. It'd be too suspicious. I'd better wait until the next time I'm on leave. Bucky turns off the microfilm viewer and collects the microfilm. He walks over to the shelves and returns it to its proper location. As he begins to exit the library, his comm goes off. A bunch of patrons shoot him a look as he answers the noisy device. BUCKY (whispering, into comm) Hello? DILE (over comm) Captain O'Hare? BUCKY Keep it down. I'm in a library. DILE (quietly) Oh. My most sincere apologies. (beat) I have called to request your presence in the UAC headquarters building as soon as possible. Digger has something he would like to show you. BUCKY I'm on my way. Bucky shuts off the comm and leaves, still getting angry glares. SCENE 2 - MONKEY WRENCH BAR, BANZAAR The mercenaries AL NEGATOR, SLYLY ZOD, and NEWTON are sitting at their table. NEGATOR So, Newton, why'd you ask us to be here? NEWTON I'm waiting for Tinker. AFC LASHES appears, carrying plates of food. She sees Zod at the same time the samurai sees the android. Zod stands up. All the other patrons look at the pair in interest. Al picks up his mug of swampgrass. NEGATOR Here we go again ... LASHES Zod! ZOD Lashes! LASHES Ready! ZOD Set! LASHES and ZOD Go! Lashes immediately goes into battle mode. Her compact body explodes as she sends out wires and cables in all directions. Zod also goes into action. He nimbly somersaults from table to table, trying to avoid the mechanical coils grasping out toward him. Everybody in the bar watches them. Some are caught up in the excitement, while others are bored. NEGATOR How many times has this gone on this morning? NEWTON Five. Zod's won three of them. While Zod does his aerial dance, Lashes uses her other arms to start dropping plates at their designated places. Zod goes on the offensive and tries to flip toward the android. Lashes has several limbs still delivering plates but has three remaining to grapple Zod and restrain his four limbs in midair. Zod is held spread eagle, only two feet away from Lashes's body. The robot's huge eye blinks. LASHES Game over. ZOD Not quite. Zod's tail flips and snatches at the bill pinned on Lashes's chest. He waves it solemnly. ZOD Now, game over. Lashes drops the last of the plates and retracts all her arms, depositing Zod at his table. They shake paws. The bar patrons start applauding. Some of them grumble, as they lost the bets they made. As Lashes goes back to the kitchen, WRENCHES the bartender lumbers over to Al, Zod, and Newton's table. WRENCHES Looks like your bill is clear again, Zod. ZOD Thank you. But you should know that I enjoy the training more than the chance to not pay for my meals. WRENCHES Of course, you had to pay double the last time, so it evens out. NEGATOR (slaps Zod's back) Another fine show, I'd say, hmm? WRENCHES Yeah, yeah. I know I said before that it was great that you guys brought that AFC over to my bar, but now, I'm not so sure ... NEGATOR What do you mean? Everything's gotten better! There're no more brawls destroying your property, and with the quality of the new food on your menu, your customers must have tripled! NEWTON Plus, that betting deal you got on with those who beat Lashes in grab- the-bill games is a whole lot of entertainment! You must be raking in the dough! WRENCHES Oh, I'm more than OK with the money Lashes brings in. It's just that the whole atmosphere of the bar has changed. NEGATOR What do you mean? WRENCHES The Monkey Wrench used to have the most notorious reputation of all the dives in Banzaar. I wasn't exactly swimming in the dough, but it felt good to be known as the roughest, most dangerous place in the biz. Now look at this place! (sweeps his paw about) I've been turned into a family restaurant! NEWTON Huh? It's still the same old crowd of mercenaries and outlaws. WRENCHES Yeah, but look at this place. Acid Melvin and his uptown wife come here for their power lunches. Lacerater Jimmy brings his squealing rugrats over to watch Lashes in action every other day. Shredhead Ed proposed to his girlfriend here last week. Rippersnapper had his son celebrate his birthday here yesterday! NEGATOR At least you're making money. WRENCHES Yeah, there's that. But still! Wrenches lumbers away as TINKER suddenly enters the bar. NEGATOR Oh, good, now we'll finally see what this is about. TINKER Hey guys! (looks at the flushed Zod) Uh oh. Did you lose again, Zod? ZOD I won this time. TINKER Good for you! NEWTON Never mind that! Did you get it? Did it arrive? TINKER (whipping out a datapad) It sure did! They sent it out this morning through the netcable, but I bypassed the dataflow with a light wave converter and got the scoop minutes before it went intergalactic! NEWTON You should have used a tachyon receiver cranked to the max and a half with a relay output. Then, we'd have had the jump on everybody else in the stellar rim. TINKER Sorry, but my gigacounter went bust, and I had to makeshift the network gamer's mainframe to ride the currents, and ... NEGATOR What the heck are you guys talking about?! Tinker and Newton excitedly show the datapad's screen to Zod and Negator. TINKER and NEWTON It's ... SCENE 3 - LOBBY, UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS ENGINEER DIGGER, PITSTOP PETE, and ENGINEER DILE O'CROCK are holding a data screen up to Bucky O'Hare's face. DIGGER ... the Second Annual Engineers' Convention! We got it off the cyber bulletin board just today! DILE Well, actually, Digger and I reformatted a solar collector to siphon the wave signals by detecting the substrata and picking the information minutes before it was telecast over the newsfeed. So, we got the invitation a tad bit earlier than the rest. BUCKY Hold on. What does this have to do with me? DIGGER We were hoping Willy would be OK enough to join us. He was there for the last convention. PETE Yup. BUCKY (chagrined) Willy's in no condition to go anywhere, I'm afraid. I'm sure he'd love to go, though. DILE (frowns) That is unfortunate. However, we were also wondering if Deadeye and Bruiser would be free to join us. BUCKY For an engineers' convention? Why do you want Deadeye and Bruiser along? DIGGER This convention is following a tradition. Back in the olden times, druids entered the forest of Carnutes for their druidic convention. The druids usually couldn't travel alone, since they were saving up their magic, so they had bodyguards along. Of course, we no longer need guards of our own, but it keeps tradition. DILE It is entirely optional, of course, but it might be fun if all the rough-and-tumble fellows are together to compare notes while we engineers and mechanics did the same. Harry Callan has agreed to come along. DIGGER And Rumblebee is keeping me and Pete company. BUCKY Well, you'll have to ask them yourself. DILE (looking back at the screen) Oh. I did not notice this before. Captain O'Hare, did you know you are mentioned in the advertisement? BUCKY What? Let me see that. Bucky looks at the screen. At the bottom, it reads, "Interview for the Coveted Position of Engineer to Captain Bucky O'Hare!" BUCKY (confused) What in the ... DILE Did you not know about this? BUCKY No. But I have a sneaking suspicion who does. SCENE 4 - CHAIRMAN WARNER'S OFFICE Bucky bursts in. CHAIRMAN FRITZ WARNER is working at his desk, while KADAF WARNER is standing off to the side. He's not really moving, though he leans forward slightly when Bucky enters. FRITZ Hi, Bucky. Can I help you? BUCKY What's this about people interviewing to be my new engineer? FRITZ Oh, that. You need an engineer, right? The convention is the easiest way for you to hire one. All the top talent in the aniverse will be there. BUCKY Any particular reason you didn't mention this to me until the day of the event? FRITZ (shrugs) You never tell me what you're up to. (beat) I knew you'd find out, and I've been busy with the latest tax bills, so I didn't really get around to it. BUCKY So you just expect me to show up, talk to a bunch of geeks, and come back with a new engineer? FRITZ Sounds like a plan to me. BUCKY (crosses his arms) I assume we can afford one? FRITZ That was a consideration, since we didn't pay Willy anything, yes. A standard warp mechanic salary was factored into the Security Council's decision to purchase you a new frigate. Bucky is simultaneously appreciative and irritated. BUCKY Fine, fine. But tell me about these things next time! Bucky turns to leave, then remembers something. He faces Fritz again. BUCKY One last thing, Fritz. FRITZ What that? BUCKY (calmly) Any chance I see the files on Chairman Pigton sometime? FRITZ (surprised) Those are classified. Why do you want them? BUCKY He's the one who chartered The Righteous Indignation, and I was hoping the files on him might have some information that would be useful in getting me a new ship. FRITZ (raises an eyebrow) That makes no sense, Bucky. Besides, those files are so classified, it would make your head spin. (beat) There's nothing in there that could really help you out, anyway. Let the dead rest. BUCKY (insistently) I need to see those files, Chairman. FRITZ And I need you to hire an engineer, Captain. Now get going. That's an order. Bucky knows he's getting nowhere. He tries hard not to shoot Fritz a look as he turns around and leaves the office, shutting the door behind him. KADAF What was that about? FRITZ (shrugs) That's Bucky for you. Always grasping at straws. He'll get over it. Once he has a new engineer, he'll spend all his time on his ship. KADAF Good. I like that hare better when he's not in your face. (beat) So what's next on the agenda today? More tax stuff? FRITZ (picks up a piece of paper) Negotiating with the Nharnians. KADAF (in a slightly sour voice) Ah. The scaredy-cats. FRITZ I've got to find a convincing way to publicly bring them into the Toad Wars. KADAF (raising an eyebrow) What's so hard about that? FRITZ Setting up a public meeting between me and the king of Nharnia. KADAF (mildly amused) Hah. Yeah, that one's going to take some work. FRITZ I'll think of something. SCENE 5 - BETWEEN In a whirling mishmash of lights and colors, a FIGURE plots. FIGURE I have waited for so very long! The figure cackles. FIGURE But it won't be much longer now! SCENE 6 - DOCK TWO, ORWELL STATION, ORBIT ABOVE GENUS The Valkyrie is still parked in the dock. It hasn't been taken out for a ride yet. Standing outside it are Bucky, FIRST MATE JENNY, GUNNER DEADEYE DUCK, AFC BLINKY, and BRUISER. BUCKY So, Fritz is making us head to the engineers' convention on Canis II to hire a new engineer. JENNY It was nice of him to set it up for us, Bucky. BUCKY Yeah. Everything's a setup with that guy. DEADEYE Ha hah! Don't fret, matey. This sounds like a lot o' fun. Don't get to mix it up wit' too many other rough folk like meself too often. BRUISER Yeah. I been lookin' fer someone to arm-wrestle. BUCKY At least you're all in good spirits. (beat) OK, everyone aboard. Let's see if this thing can even make it out of the dock. Blinky, you handle engineering. BLINKY Yes, sir, Captain O'Hare! The five board The Valkyrie. The dock opens, and the frigate uneasily powers up. Its rockets churning and bumping, it takes a few moments to start up before being ready to fly. Fly it does, however, and it makes it out of Orwell Station with little difficulty. It then jumps into hyperspace. SCENE 7 - BODYGUARD DOME, ENGINEERS' CONVENTION The convention is held on a space station with two domes orbiting Canis II. The mercenaries dock their ship, and Al Negator, Tinker, Slyly Zod, and Newton step out of the ship into the docking hall. ZOD We are certainly a strange group. NEGATOR Not to worry. We'll soon be surrounded by other geeks and weirdos. Each mercenary is wearing a disguise. Tinker is covered up in drab brown and wearing a visor over his head. Newton is walking in one of his construct suits: a weasel in a standard engineering suit. Al is wearing overalls and glasses, and Zod is wearing a gunner's suit. NEGATOR This makes me wonder why you two wanted to go to this convention in the first place. Aren't you trying to keep a low profile and all that? TINKER It's worth the risk to check out what technology is being developed. I have to try and stay one step ahead of the authorities. ZOD I can understand that. What I can't understand is why *she* came with us! Behind them, after securing the ship, Lashes walks toward them. LASHES Ship has been secured! TINKER You didn't have to do that, Lashes. It's just a convention. LASHES Maybe so, but humble robot must do her duty and protect the crew of The Rogue Star! The four groan. They start walking to the registration booth. Tinker and Newton separate and confront Al, Zod, and Lashes. TINKER OK, you two ... NEGATOR (inclines his head downward at Lashes) Three. TINKER Uh, you three are to be our, ahem, guardians, since that's the theme for this convention. NEWTON Yeah, we wouldn't want to be known as the "unhip" engineers. TINKER Anyway, you guys are just going to the other station while we go to the main convention dome. Just wait for us and stay outta trouble. NEGATOR (shrugs) Not a problem. I mean, you're paying us and everything. TINKER You're going to have to register before you go to your station. I've got my identity scrambler set. No secret government agency is going to have *my* prints in their files! But are you sure you guys are set? ZOD We are prepared. NEWTON Sure, I'm sure! From this day forth -- except for covert missions, of course -- I will always go by my real name, so when I'm finally famous, people will remember me! NEGATOR So why the construct? NEWTON Hey, people will step on me if they don't see me. TINKER See you guys later! Tinker and Newton can't contain their excitement as they run to the tunnel leading to the station proper. Al, Zod, and Lashes are left behind to wait in the docking hall. ZOD They're paying you? NEGATOR Yeah, that was the deal. ZOD But I'm only doing this for a favor for our comrades. NEGATOR Looks like they suckered you there, pal. The three reach the registration booth. The female husky ATTENDANT sees Lashes. ATTENDANT You engineers, all showing off your robots. Go on in. Lashes steps through, and Zod is next. ATTENDANT Name? ZOD Lee-Zarde. Sylvester Lee-Zarde. Or Sly, if you like. Al whispers behind Zod while the attendant makes a nametag. NEGATOR Sly Lee-Zarde? What the heck? That's barely any different from Slyly Zod! ZOD It is simply a reworking of my appellation. I remain the same person, even though I may have different spellings and pronunciations of my given name. NEGATOR If you say so. Zod gets his tag and steps through, and Al is next. ATTENDANT Name? NEGATOR Mr. Crock. ATTENDANT Just Mr. Crock? NEGATOR Actually, it's Mr. Crock O'Spit, but everybody just stops as Crock. ATTENDANT (mollified) Oh, I see. Well, I was just wondering, because we have an Engineer O'Crock at the convention, and I was wondering if you might be related. Al is stunned. He doesn't see the attendant look at him funny and slap the nametag on his before pushing the oblivious sleazasaur through the door. ZOD Hey, Al, what's the matter? NEGATOR (hits his head) I'm so stupid! ZOD What? NEGATOR It's an engineers' convention! Of course he'd be here! ZOD He who? SCENE 8 - ENGINEER DOME The convention is packed with people and noises. DIGGER Dile! Hey, Dile! Get your butt over here! Dile is looking at a computer but turns to see Digger standing next to Pete, calling for him. Dile walks over. DILE Yes, what is it? DIGGER Blinky actually recognized someone here. He's going to introduce us to the assistant of the special guest speaker! The three go over to Blinky, who is talking to a RACCOON. RACCOON So these are the other engineers of the S.P.A.C.E. fleet! DILE (recognizing) Ramsay MacLeod! It is an honor. RAMSAY (shaking paws) I should be saying the same to you guys. I guess you all know my name, but ... BLINKY Introductions are in order. This is Engineer Digger, weapons development for The Indefatigable, and Pitstop Pete, medic and mechanic for the same. This is Dile O'Crock, frigate maintenance for The Screaming Mimi. RAMSAY Pleased to meet you all. DIGGER So, what have you been working on with Dr. Wallace? I'm into robotics, myself. RAMSAY Ah, yes, with your gunner warbot, Rumblebee? PETE Yup. RAMSAY Well, I'm not at liberty to give details of our advancements in robotechnolgy. But I did design a special droid using the exact same schematics as you, Blinky. It's another AFC, but I altered its programming and capabilities to make it a warbot. It was supposed to help man the prototype mark-5 frigate. (frowns) Too bad the frigate was stolen and blown up. It's a pity, really, since I took Willy DuWitt's reasoning behind it. He told me that soldiers must not be coldhearted machines when we first met. (looking around) Where is Willy, by the way? DIGGER Willy's ... indisposed at the moment. DILE He was injured in battle. PETE Yup. RAMSAY Oh. I see. (tries to remain cheerful) This is why you three engineers should also be honored, because you risk your lives for the aniverse. (waving them along) C'mon, let's go to the convention itself. SCENE 9 - DR. GREEN'S APARTMENT, SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH The POLICE OFFICER investigating Willy's disappearance knocks on the door. A few seconds pass, and the officer knocks again. DR. GREEN (behind the door, muffled) Who is it? POLICE OFFICER Police. I'd like to ask you a few questions about William DuWitt. May I come in? DR. GREEN Um, give me a minute, please. Two minutes later, the door swings open, revealing DR. GREEN. The police officer reacts slightly to Dr. Green's short stature and rather ugly face. DR. GREEN Come in. The officer walks in and immediately covers his nose. He feels the green carpet squish under his toes, and he waves his hands to swat off a few bugs. DR. GREEN Before you ask, it's a medical condition. I have to keep my apartment like this. Very long story. Have a seat. Dr. Green gestures toward a seat in the living room. The officer glances at it. POLICE OFFICER I'll stand, thanks. DR. GREEN Suit yourself. Dr. Green sits down, then looks up at the officer. The toad in disguise is a little more confident than before, having posed as a human for more than a year now. DR. GREEN How can I help you? I heard Willy was missing, and I'm very concerned. POLICE OFFICER (pulls out a notepad) That's correct. What was your relationship with Mr. DuWitt? DR. GREEN He was a student of mine at the high school. Bright boy, lots of good ideas. He sometimes came over to my apartment after school and helped me with a little project I'm working on. POLICE OFFICER What sort of project? DR. GREEN Artificial intelligence. Nothing fancy. Just for fun, really, and to give him some experience. POLICE OFFICER Did any other students help you out like that? DR. GREEN (giving his story) No. Willy and I have known each other for a while. POLICE OFFICER How did you meet Willy? DR. GREEN We met at a port. He knew his school needed teachers, so he introduced us to Principal Dorkens, and we were hired. POLICE OFFICER Teachers, you say? Plural? DR. GREEN (a little nervous) That's right. Dr. Wort and I. POLICE OFFICER Does Dr. Wort live here? Could I speak to him? DR. GREEN I'm afraid Dr. Wort is no longer with us. POLICE OFFICER (looking around) Medical condition? DR. GREEN (sadly) No, actually. He was murdered. POLICE OFFICER Murdered. By whom? DR. GREEN (going with his story) A skinny white man in his twenties. I never met him, but I saw the police sketch. He had funny hair. I had no idea who he was, and I still don't. POLICE OFFICER What exactly happened? DR. GREEN Dr. Wort was found dead in one of the school's science labs. POLICE OFFICER Do you have any enemies? DR. GREEN No. POLICE OFFICER Does Willy? DR. GREEN Not that I'm aware of. There were a few students who always bullied him, but they certainly wouldn't try to kidnap him. POLICE OFFICER (raises an eyebrow) I never said Willy was kidnapped. DR. GREEN I mean ... they wouldn't murder him, either. And Willy would never run away. So I have no idea what might have happened. POLICE OFFICER When was the last time you saw Willy? DR. GREEN The last day of classes, right before summer started. I figured he was busy with his job at the marina, so I didn't think anything was wrong. POLICE OFFICER What do you know about his job at the marina? DR. GREEN He's an engineer on a ship. The Righteous Indignation. POLICE OFFICER What marina? DR. GREEN He didn't say. I've never been there. POLICE OFFICER (thinking) You said you met Willy at a port. Did you ever see this ship? DR. GREEN A few times, yes. It was a nice ship, but nothing out of the ordinary. POLICE OFFICER Did you ever meet his crew? DR. GREEN (starting to get suspicious) Yes, I did. POLICE OFFICER Can you tell me anything about Captain O'Hare? DR. GREEN (after a moment) He and I didn't speak much. POLICE OFFICER What did he look like? DR. GREEN I ... it's been so long now. I don't recall. POLICE OFFICER I see. But you did meet him? DR. GREEN (reservedly) Yes. POLICE OFFICER I see. The officer knows Dr. Green is hiding something. He starts to ask if he can look around, but he quickly realizes he doesn't want to explore this bizarre, disgusting apartment. POLICE OFFICER What's your first name? DR. GREEN Sebastian. POLICE OFFICER Sebastian Green. (beat) Thank you for your time, Dr. Green. I'll be in touch. DR. GREEN You're welcome. The officer exits the apartment. DR. GREEN Oh, dear. Outside, the police officer climbs in his car, shuts the door, and turns on his radio. POLICE OFFICER There is no Captain Bucky O'Hare, you ugly freak. (into radio) This is Officer Cunningham, reporting in to the station. I need you to do a background check on a Dr. Sebastian Green. He lives in the North Point apartments on Stockton Street. He knows something about Willy DuWitt. Really suspicious character. Find something we can arrest him on. SCENE 10 - BODYGUARD DOME Deadeye, ASC RUMBLEBEE, and FIRST MATE HARRY CALLAN are at the bar. They meet MAJOR BOTTLENOSE, wearing his mobile containment suit. BOTTLENOSE Oh. Cheerio, everybody. DEADEYE Hey, matey. How's everythin' on Sludge? BOTTLENOSE Slow, I'm afraid. It's harder to detect toad activity in our auxiliary base. DEADEYE Slow, ye say? I got slow for ye. The frigate we're usin' don't even got a mark-3. RUMBLEBEE Makeup of group in this dome interesting. Bzz bzz. All the intelligent personnel in the neighboring dome. Bzz bss. Only tough guys left over here. Bzz bzz. HARRY Yeah, we'd better be careful, or the testosterone level will hit the roof. DEADEYE Now where'd Bruiser get himself to? At the bar, Bruiser is talking to the monkey barkeep. BRUISER What? It's empty? LOUIE Sorry, but the other dome has everything. (to a bear across the bar) This is all your fault for not delivering enough bananas. BALOO Hey, I drive a biplane, not a space cruiser. LASHES Let me help you people serve drinks. At the bar, a brawl almost breaks out, but three bovine sheriffs step up. MOO MONTANA All right, break it up. DAKOTA DUDE Yup. COWLORADO KID Just "get along," little doggies! A duck in a purple mask and cape looks on. His large, lumbering sidekick is beside him. DARKWING DUCK (scowling) Space cowboys, hmph! C'mon, Launchpad! LAUNCHPAD But maybe they could help us find Megavolt and Quackerjack! DARKWING DUCK No way! We can handle this ourselves ... (turns around and bumps into an armored duck) GizmoDuck? What are you doing here? You're not horning in on my turf, are you? GIZMODUCK Oh, Darkwing! I didn't know you were here. I'm accompanying Gyro Gearloose for the convention. DARKWING DUCK Convention? What convention? The armored duck looks at the oblivious masked duck, then goes back to his conversation with a half-robot rabbit. GIZMODUCK So, anyway. Bunnie, right? BUNNIE Yup. Bunnie Rabbot. GIZMODUCK Yes, Miss Rabbot, this is only an exoskeleton armor. I'm not actually a cyborg. How does it feel to be part robot? BUNNIE Actually, I'm gettin' used to it. I still wouldn't mind bein' deroboticized, though. GIZMODUCK Maybe the convention will help? BUNNIE I certainly hope so. A proper French fox reaches over and jostles the rabbit. BUNNIE Antoine! What is it, sugah? ANTOINE Bunnie! You must help! Sonic, he has started a rumble with a loudmouth terrapin! I cannot break it up! A blue hedgehog is fighting with a huge turtle. SONIC Ninja skills, bah! Speed is all you need, slowpoke! RAPHAEL (wielding his sais) Put up or shut up, you exhibitionist! Get my point? SONIC (baring his quills) I got plenty of points for you! The turtle is being restrained by two more turtles as the rabbit holds the hedgehog back. LEONARDO Stop it, Raphael! We should behave here. We're representing the species. MICHELANGELO Yeah, dude, just eat some pizza and chill. (looks back at his table) Wait, where's my pizza? Under the table, a big rat has stolen the pizza and is eating it while being watched by two chipmunks. MONTEREY JACK Cheee-cheee-cheeeeese! CHIP Oh, great! He's cheese-hypnotized again! DALE C'mon! Let's get outta here before they find out! Zipper, see what's happening topside. An energetic blue fly goes up and nearly bumps into Al trying to drag Slyly Zod away. NEGATOR We've got to get outta here. ZOD Why? NEGATOR Because I'm so stupid. ZOD If you bail out now, Tinker and Newton won't pay you. NEGATOR (grumbles) Oh, all right. SCENE 11 - BETWEEN The figure opens its claw. FIGURE Yes, the time is almost here! SCENE 12 - ENGINEER DOME Ramsay leads the others on. RAMSAY (looks at his watch) Oh, I have to go get ready now. I'll see you guys later, when the speech starts. DILE (looking around) This is very strange. Do you recognize any of these engineers? PETE Nope. DIGGER (blinks) There's so many people. I can't see them so well. DILE (startled) I say. Those three are not wearing any clothes. DIGGER (spinning around) What?! A two-tailed fox, a purple walrus, and a brown squirrel are walking by. TAILS Everybody's staring at Sally. ROTOR Of course. She's the princess, after all. SALLY They must recognize my royalty. Two kats are also staring. T-BONE What a dish! RAZOR Stop being a lech, T-Bone. T-BONE C'mon. You almost never see something like that in the aniverse. The two bump into an absent-minded lion mechanic wearing a red cap. WILDCAT Oops. Don't mind me. (beat) Now where'd Baloo park The Sea Duck? Not paying attention, the mechanic is almost run over by a rat in a yellow outfit chasing a little robot with a light bulb for a head. MEGAVOLT Gotcha! (hugs the little bulb robot) Ooh, you're so cute! I want to take you home with me! An addled duck inventor runs up. GYRO GEARLOOSE Whew! Thanks for catching Little Helper! MEGAVOLT Huh? This little bright idea is yours? GYRO GEARLOOSE Oh, indeed. MEGAVOLT Can you give him to me? Sell him to me? Pleasepleaseplease? GYRO GEARLOOSE Um, well, no, I'm afraid not. MEGAVOLT I've got money from the bank I just robbed. Oh wait, I gave it to Quackerjack ... where the heck is he? A jester in a red and blue costume is talking to some Corsair Canards, including DRAYKE. DRAYKE Yes, we're a colony of Canards who've turned to technology. We used to be pirates, but now we call ourselves "technomallards." We build weapons and perform scientific research. Right now, we're almost finished repairing a cyborg. DEXTER the octopus wanders into the conversation. DEXTER "Technomallards?" What a load of bull. A bull turns around. BUFFALO BILL Did you say something to me? DEXTER Beg your pardon? Distracted, Dexter is almost whacked by a bo staff strapped to the shell of a turtle passing by. DEXTER Hey, watch it! DONATELLO Oh, sorry. Distracted himself, the turtle almost steps on a mouse. DONATELLO Whoa! Sorry to you, too. GADGET No problem! I'm just on my way to the booth. Newton stares at the little mouse, transfixed. Tinker notices and shakes him. TINKER What's wrong? NEWTON (swooning) I think I'm in love. TINKER Snap out of it! We haven't even gone to the booths yet. SCENE 13 - BETWEEN A weird space is forming, and the figure is very excited. FIGURE Yes, yes! It's coming! It's finally working! SCENE 14 - ENGINEER DOME Bucky and Jenny walk down a hall toward a room at the end. There's hardly anybody else around. BUCKY It's nice to know our ship doesn't fall apart after taking off. JENNY Stop being so pessimistic, Bucky. You wanted a ship, and you got a ship. BUCKY I know, it's just ... (sighs) Fine. I'll try to be more optimistic. Bucky and Jenny approach the entrance to the door. BUCKY OK, this is where the engineers applying for the job should be. Bucky walks in and looks around. The well-lit room sports a few rows of chairs and a small podium at the front. Beyond that, it's completely empty. BUCKY Where is everyone? JENNY (looking in) Are you sure this is the right room? BUCKY Right room, right time. (shakes his head) Still want to try being optimistic? JENNY I'm sure there's a very good explanation for why no one's here. BUCKY Let's ask someone, then. Bucky walks out into the hall and spots a MOOSE engineer running quickly toward him. BUCKY Excuse me ... MOOSE (running past Bucky) Can't talk now! I'm gonna be late for the panel! The moose disappears down a corner, leaving a frustrated Bucky. BUCKY Fritz scheduled us for the same time as the main panel? JENNY It sounds like this was a pretty last-minute addition on Fritz's part. BUCKY I'll say. We're going to have to play this by ear. Bucky spots a GOAT engineer walking by. BUCKY Pardon me. Are you interested in applying for a job on ... GOAT (haughtily) Right! Be an engineer for Captain Bucky O'Hare. (sniffs) Applying to be your engineer is like signing a death warrant. The goat walks off. BUCKY What did he mean by that? JENNY (downbeat) Well, look at what happened to Bruce and Willy. (beat) Though there was that time we hired Al Negator ... BUCKY Don't remind me. This is awful. Bucky walks back into the room and sits down on a chair. BUCKY I guess I'll wait here and see if anybody shows. (smiles weakly) You know, optimism and all that. JENNY Very funny. I'll go see how long the panel is expected to take. Maybe we'll have more luck after it ends. BUCKY Good idea. Jenny walks off, and Bucky sits alone. Propping himself up, he closes his eyes and takes a little break. His rest is quickly interrupted by an orange and cream male tabby CAT walking in. CAT Uh, excuse me? BUCKY (waking up) Um, what? (blinks a few times) Oh, hi. CAT (shuffling his convention packet) This is where I can apply for a job, right? BUCKY (brightening up) It is indeed. Come in. CAT Am I late? Sorry if I am! This wasn't mentioned in the main program, and I just now found the flier for it. BUCKY (thinking) (to the cat) So, why are you looking for a job? CAT Well, I just graduated from the Graham Institute, and I haven't been able to find any good work anywhere. BUCKY Why's that? CAT It's how things go nowadays. The super-geniuses get all the nice job offers, and everyone else gets diddly-squat. BUCKY So you wouldn't say you're a super-genius, then? CAT Well, I don't want to sell myself short. I was twelfth in my class, which is pretty good. It's just not exceptional. BUCKY I see. So you can operate a mark-2, no problem? CAT (quizzically) A mark-2? Are you kidding me? I could handle that in my sleep! (beat) You don't seriously have a mark-2, do you? BUCKY Long story. (beat) How are you with getting shot at? CAT (grins nervously) I, uh, prefer to avoid it? BUCKY How well can you shoot? CAT Shoot what, pool? BUCKY (to himself) This isn't going to work out. (beat) Thanks for coming, Mr., uh ... CAT Marison. Michael Marison. I go by Mike. BUCKY Thanks for stopping by, Mike, but I just don't know if you're right for the job. MIKE What? Why's that? BUCKY Do you know who I am? MIKE Your name was familiar, but I'm not real big on current events and stuff. BUCKY Do you realize I work for the military? MIKE The ... (realization dawning) Oh. Ohhh. (beat) Yeah, maybe I shouldn't work on your ship. BUCKY No hard feelings. Just then, Jenny enters. She doesn't notice Mike at first. JENNY Bucky, it's going to be another hour. Mike looks at Jenny, and his jaw drops. He's smitten. MIKE I'm hired. BUCKY (surprised) Huh? MIKE Does she work on your ship? BUCKY Yes, she's the pilot. Why ... MIKE I'm hired. Put 'er there, Captain! Mike reaches out his paw to shake with Bucky. Taken by surprise, Bucky returns the gesture. BUCKY (thinking) (to Mike) Welcome aboard. Mike just grins and keeps looking at Jenny out of the corner of his eye. Jenny finally notices him and is at a loss for words. JENNY You're Aldebaran! Bucky and Mike both turn to look at Jenny. MIKE I ... yeah, sort of. BUCKY (releasing the pawshake) Oh, great. MIKE I mean, my parents are. I've never even been to the planet. My parents don't talk about it much. JENNY (eyes narrowing) Captain, I think we need to have a little chat with this fellow before we hire him. BUCKY Here we go. (to Mike) How about we grab a bite to eat? MIKE (trying to look away from Jenny, but largely unable to) Yeah, sure. A little warily, Bucky walks up to Jenny, and the two begin whispering as they walk out of the room. Mike trails behind them, both confused and excited. SCENE 15 - OFFICE, WATERSHIP HOSPITAL, GENUS DR. LURIE sits at his desk, going over a patient's file, when a comm on the desk sparks to life. Fritz's voice comes through it clearly. FRITZ May I have a moment of your time, Doctor? DR. LURIE Chairman. I assume you want the news on Willy DuWitt? FRITZ If you wouldn't mind. DR. LURIE (reaching across his desk and picking up a file) He still hasn't woken up, and we have absolutely no idea why. He suffered a traumatic mental breakdown, but there's no real medical reason for him to be in the coma he's in. He fell asleep the first night he was in the hospital, and he's just stayed asleep ever since. (flipping through the file) Of course, this is going based on what we know. I've never had a human patient before, obviously, and while his brain is similar to ours, it does have its differences. (pulls out a sheet of paper and looks at it) Complicating things even more, we got some weird readings when we scanned his brain. They're generally consistent with the few Aldebaran readings we have on file, but not entirely. We have no real idea how to interpret them. FRITZ I see. What's your current prognosis? DR. LURIE Again, there's no reason I can see why he didn't wake up weeks ago. His brain is fine, and his vitals are fine; he just plain hasn't woken up. He gets a little better every day, and I don't see why he wouldn't wake up eventually, but I couldn't say when that would be. (beat) Of course, dealing with him after he wakes up is a different story entirely. He'll need precautionary deprogramming and a lot of therapy. I want him in the psych ward for at *least* a few weeks. He's going to have a lot to deal with, and we have to approach it carefully. (beat) I want Bucky O'Hare kept away from my patient as much as possible once he's conscious. That gung-ho blowhard won't stop asking me when Willy's going to wake up, and I absolutely refuse to let the boy leave the hospital before we've done our job. Military duty is absolutely out of the question, but O'Hare can't seem to think of anything else. FRITZ Of course. Your concerns are valid, Doctor, and I'll see to it that your patient remains unperturbed after he wakes up. Let me know when he does. DR. LURIE You realize you're entirely to blame for this. FRITZ I'm the Chairman. I get blamed whenever something goes wrong. DR. LURIE I recommended last year that Willy DuWitt be barred from active military duty, and you personally allowed him -- a minor -- to remain perpetually in the line of fire. FRITZ Noted. Thanks again, Doctor. The comm dies. Dr. Lurie rubs his temples and reorganizes Willy's file, then puts it back down on his desk. SCENE 16 - BODYGUARD DOME Major Bottlenose is observing the other people in the dome. BOTTLENOSE This is very strange. DEADEYE What? That everybody's fightin'? Happens all the time in th' bars I go to. Harry is talking with the bear by the bar. The duck in the purple mask and cape is arguing with the armored duck. The monkeys are all going ape. BOTTLENOSE Tell me, Deadeye, do you recognize any of the other species? DEADEYE Sure. Ye got yer space cowboys, some Canards ... BOTTLENOSE But how come we're never seen them before? DEADEYE Look, if it bothers ye, let's just ask 'em. Deadeye approaches the sidekick of the purple-outfitted duck. DEADEYE Hey, fellow Canard! LAUNCHPAD Hey, uh, what's up? DEADEYE Me mate here is wonderin' how you guys got here. LAUNCHPAD Oh, my boss DW and I followed two criminals through an experimental portal. We're just trying to apprehend them. The bear overhears, as does one of the turtles, the armored duck, and the blue hedgehog. BALOO We accidentally flew into the Bermuda Triangle and wound up docked here. LEONARDO Donatello activated some machine that was supposed to take us to Dimension X. GIZMODUCK Gyro said he'd heard of a convention and had a special way to get there. We walked through a portal in some contraption he built. SONIC The last thing I remember is Naugus waving his wand at us. (pats his rumbling stomach) I'm starving! You guys got any chili dogs around here? NEGATOR Uh, um, I'm just an old, doddering man who, uh, wandered in here. Don't mind me. Deadeye walks back up to Bottlenose. DEADEYE I have t' admit, matey, this *is* mighty strange. Should we say anythin' to th' others? BOTTLENOSE I'm not sure. We should probably consult the engineers for their opinion, but they're all in the other dome. Everybody's having fun, though. SCENE 17 - ENGINEER DOME Blinky and Digger are talking to Dile. BLINKY Dile, this humble robot has been requested to go along with Ramsay for use in the demonstration. DILE What do you think, Digger? DIGGER Not now! Pete and I are guest speakers, along with those kats, on the engineers in the field. We're trying to show that engineers who are part of the war must be in tip-top physical condition, instead of those fat, slobbery, roly-poly guys. ROTOR Hey! I resemble that remark. (beat) I'm hungry. Let's go to the snack bar. RAZOR I gotta run to the little kat's room. Get somethin' for me, T-Bone. A group of them walk over to the snack bar, and most of them buy something. T-BONE (slipping something into his pocket) Dum de dum dum ... GADGET Don't think that I can't see you, you thief! T-BONE Huh? The kat spots the mouse. GADGET Put that back! T-BONE Aw, aren't you cute. I eat mice like you for ... Newton, in his weasel construct, hurries over and bumps into the kat. NEWTON Let her go. T-BONE (powering up) Or what? DONATELLO Hey, what's going on here? The kat mistakes the turtle's voice for his friend's. T-BONE Razor? Are you back? The kat ignores Newton and starts looking around for his companion. They all watch him go. DONATELLO What's with him? NEWTON I dunno. Maybe he thought you were someone else. You do sound kind of like his partner. DONATELLO That might be it. Anyway, the panel's starting, and I don't want to miss it. The crowd begins to disperse. GADGET (to Newton) Thanks, big guy. NEWTON (pops open the neck hatch) Oh, I'm not big at all! This is just a construct. I'm nearly the same as you! Wanna ride with me? GADGET (impressed) Fascinating! I've made constructs like this before! NEWTON (swooning) Really? A VOICE suddenly booms through the PA system. VOICE Attention, the speech on robotics and androids headed by Dr. Wallace is about to start. Everybody walks in to the main convention room and gathers at their seats. DR. WALLACE appears and starts his speech. DR. WALLACE I would like to thank everybody for making the convention a success. I never expected so many people to attend. Last year's conference was an encouraging sign to the scientific community that it warranted a repeat and an expansion. Sponsored by the Warp Drive Mechanics' Union and the Graham Institute of Technology, this convention is bigger and better than before. SCENE 18 - CAFÉ, ENGINEER DOME Bucky, Jenny, and Mike are sitting at a table. Bucky has a sandwich in front of him, and Mike is drinking coffee and trying to keep his eyes more on the captain than on the first mate. MIKE Like I said, both my parents are Aldebaran. I don't know much about the planet, and I don't know why they moved away; they never really told me. I think they met working for some kind of political group or something. JENNY (coldly) The Male Resistance? MIKE (thinking) That sounds about right. Why? Mike sees that this rubs Jenny the wrong way. MIKE (hastily) Uh, anyway. I was born on the planet Lesath, on the far edge of the UAC's boundaries. I'm the second in a litter of four. I graduated top of my high school class and enrolled in the Graham Institute. I was the first Aldebaran to do so, apparently. I didn't really care much, but some people made a big deal out of it. People thought I knew how to use magic or something. It was kinda weird. JENNY (vexed) Do you? MIKE Do I what? JENNY Know how to use magic? MIKE No, why would I ... (realizes) Wait. Aldebarans can use magic? JENNY (shakes her head) Never mind. Go on. MIKE (blinks) That's about it, really. I just got out of the Institute a few months ago. I've been looking for a job for a while, and I thought maybe I could find one at the convention. (smiles) Guess I'm in luck, huh? BUCKY (glances at Jenny, who is a bit on edge) Definitely in luck. Could you excuse us a second? MIKE Huh? Oh, uh, sure. Mike stands up. BUCKY Come back in five minutes. MIKE (gives a poor salute) Yes, sir! Mike walks off, coffee cup in tow. BUCKY He's eager, I'll give him that. What do you think? JENNY First of all, he's a male! BUCKY I'm a male. JENNY You know what I mean. Besides, I don't know whether I believe him. That's a pretty weird story. BUCKY It's not that suspicious. Lesath is basically a backwater planet, if I remember correctly. It wouldn't surprise me if no one there really knew about Aldebaran. (beat) Besides, it's not his story that bothers me. JENNY What bothers you about him, then? BUCKY Oh, come on. You know how he keeps looking at you. JENNY (honestly oblivious) What do you mean? BUCKY (upset) He's crazy for you. I can tell. JENNY (amused) You're kidding. BUCKY (cross) No, I'm not. You're probably the first female Aldebaran he's ever seen. He's already ready to propose to you. JENNY (blushes a little) I don't think you'll have to worry about that. Besides, Captain, I'm sure you can keep him in line. BUCKY I don't know ... JENNY Besides, he was the only applicant, right? BUCKY (sighs) Fine, fine. I'll give him a shot. But if he makes any moves on you, he's going to regret it. JENNY Don't worry. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, since he really doesn't seem to know anything about Aldebaran, but I'm not going to give him any free passes. Bucky stands up and waves to Mike, who is waiting in a corner. The cat notices and walks back over to the table. MIKE Am I still good to go? BUCKY As long as you can earn your keep, you're hired. I'll have the papers drawn up as soon as we get back to Genus. MIKE (grins) Awesome! This is so great. (looks at Jenny) Thank you. JENNY (caught off-guard) Oh, I didn't do anything. MIKE (reaches out his paw) I'm Mike, by the way. JENNY (shakes his paw) Jenny. (a little matronly) First Mate Jenny. MIKE Right, right. Oh, this is so great. My parents are going to be thrilled! BUCKY Ahem! My ship is docked on port B6-1. We're meeting the rest of the crew there in an hour and a half. MIKE I'll be there! Do you mind if I check out the rest of the convention before we go, though? BUCKY Go for it. MIKE Thanks! Mike takes one last sip of coffee, puts down the cup, and scampers off. BUCKY (annoyed) I'm not paying for that coffee. JENNY I'll get it. BUCKY (watching Mike exit) This had better work out. SCENE 19 - DR. GREEN'S APARTMENT, SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH Dr. Green is pacing nervously and munching on a few flies. DR. GREEN That policeman knew I was lying. I have to get out of here. I can't let them arrest me. But where can I go? Without Willy, I have no way of getting back to the aniverse. What am I going to do? VOICE Geez, calm down. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer. Dr. Green jumps and looks around. In a corner of his apartment stands LUCAS MACARTHUR. DR. GREEN You! Fritz Warner told me about you. But how did you get in here? LUCAS Anything's possible when you've got funny hair. Now come on, I'm getting you out of here. DR. GREEN Where are we going? LUCAS The aniverse, you idiot. You're not safe here. Great job blowing your damn cover, by the way. DR. GREEN But how are we getting there? LUCAS (walks toward the front door) I know what I'm doing. Are you coming or not? DR. GREEN (shoulders slumped) I don't have much choice, do I? (beat) Why are you helping me? LUCAS Because I was a Boy Scout. Look, the fewer people that know about the aniverse, the better. Now let's get the hell out of here. I need to go to the aniverse anyway. DR. GREEN Why? LUCAS I have someone to talk to in a few weeks. (opens the door) The cops are going to be here to arrest you soon. They've already figured out you're an illegal alien. Now, unless you want them to find out you're an even better kind of alien, stop playing twenty questions and move! Dr. Green quickly grabs a jar of flies from a windowsill, then hurries out the door. SCENE 20 - BETWEEN The figure bellows gleefully. FIGURE (laughing) At last! It's open! A portal opens, and the figure crawls through it. SCENE 21 - BODYGUARD DOME Suddenly, a hazy hole appears in the wall, and a huge CYBER SPIDER lumbers in. CYBER SPIDER Free! I'm free! Made it back into normal space, I finally have! In the between dimension, manipulated probability to call across dimensions. With alternate and parallel planes colliding in one area, cross over to the real world, I could! Back am I! All the people in the room look at him, confused. CYBER SPIDER I am now taking over this place, Flesh and metal will I need to mold new cyber spider soldiers! So many intelligent brains in here. Going to command each of you to help me do it, I am! And I will start with you! Hee-hee-hee-haw! (looks around) Wait. Engineer dome, this is not. LOUIE Now what in the heck is that thing? MOO MONTANA Looks like a troublemaker. SONIC Not cool. RAPHAEL Get him! MICHELANGELO Cowabunga! The entire crowd either charges at the cyber spider or begins shooting at him. The spider recoils in shock as he is quickly overwhelmed by the horde. CYBER SPIDER Slight miscalculation have I made ... The cyber spider tries to make it back into the portal but is overwhelmed by a hail of fire. With so many eager assailants, the group quickly kills him. DARKWING DUCK Another evildoer foiled! HARRY Whew. Man, I think we all needed that. The portal continues to glow. CHIP Maybe that portal can get us all home! DALE I'd better ask Gadget. CHIP No, I'll ask her! DALE No, I'll ask her! SCENE 22 - BODYGUARD DOME Later, all the engineers have migrated over to the other dome, and most of them are eagerly collaborating with each other to solve the problem of how to use the portal to get everyone home. In the meantime, a few people have struck up conversations. Pitstop Pete is talking with the blue sheriff. PETE Nope? DAKOTA DUDE Nope. PETE Yup. DAKOTA DUDE Yup! The two burst out laughing, causing people to stare at them. MOO MONTANA Looks like your cousin found someone he could talk to. COWLORADO KID Sheesh. Men of few words. Off to the side, a ruckus is starting as the masked duck and his sidekick chase after the rat and the jester. DARKWING It's Quackerjack and Megavolt! Get 'em! The scene is quickly broken up as the armored duck swoops in and apprehends the rat and jester. GIZMODUCK Justice has been served. DARKWING DUCK Argh! BUFFALO BILL (calling) All finished! Everyone turns and looks at the engineers huddled around the portal. There's a big machine sitting on the floor. A few of its wires extend into the portal. GADGET We were able to reverse the effects of warping probability that led us all here. WILDCAT Using a flux capacitor, we made it so that anyone who goes through will return to their own dimension. Anything they brought with them will also travel across. (beat) Good thing, too, 'cause I don't know how we'd get the ship through this portal. DONATELLO Once everyone has returned to their proper home, the portal will close, and everything will be back to normal. GYRO GEARLOOSE Well, I'll be. Why didn't I think of that? ROTOR Activating the machine ... The walrus presses a button, and the machine comes to life. ROTOR OK, everybody through! A large number of the attendees shuffle through the portal, instantly being transported home. The mouse is about to travel through as well when Newton, the lid to his construct still open, stops her. NEWTON Don't go! GADGET Golly, Newton, I'm sorry. But I have to get back. There are so many mysteries to solve! NEWTON But there are so many constructs we could build together! We'd be famous! GADGET Golly, you're sweet! I'll miss you. The mouse leans in and gives Newton a peck on the cheek. Newton blushes, and the mouse waves goodbye as she runs through the portal. The portal then vanishes. DIGGER (blinks) Quite a convention this year. SCENE 23 - DR. GREEN'S APARTMENT, SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH Officer Cunningham and another OFFICER walk up to the door of Dr. Green's apartment and knock on it. CUNNINGHAM Dr. Sebastian Green, we have a warrant for your arrest. Let us in. No answer. Cunningham knocks again. CUNNINGHAM We know you're not in this country legally, Dr. Green. If you cooperate, we can sort this all out, and it'll be a lot easier for you. Still no answer. OFFICER Let's go in. Cunningham tries the door. It's locked. The two officers ram the door, busting their way in. The atmosphere of the apartment immediately affects the other officer. OFFICER Ah, geez! What *is* this place? CUNNINGHAM Guy said it was a medical condition. Now, I'm not so sure. (beat) I don't think he's here. And as much as we should, I really don't want to search this place. OFFICER I'll call in the rookie. Have him do it. CUNNINGHAM Works for me. (coughs) Ugh. And this was our only lead, too. OFFICER Think you should talk with the kid's parents again? CUNNINGHAM Nah, they don't know anything. (beat) Dammit. If this weirdo doesn't turn back up, I have no clue where to go from here. OFFICER We should keep a lookout for that guy with white hair and a goatee. CUNNINGHAM Him, too. Hasn't been seen in a year, though. He's probably not around these parts anymore. (coughs again) Let's get the hell outta this swamp. The two officers exit, closing the door behind them in disgust. SCENE 24 - HANGAR, ENGINEER DOME As the convention is wrapping up, the native aniversians begin heading to the hangar to fly home. Al, still a little distracted from all the confusion, accidentally bumps into Dile. DILE Excuse me. (blinks) Uncle Algernon? What are you doing here? NEGATOR (quickly) Algernon? Who's Algernon? My name is, uh ... DILE (excited) Did you come here to see me? You have not visited us in a long time. Slyly Zod appears and walks up to Al. ZOD Come on, Al, it is time to depart. DILE Who is this, uncle? Is he a friend of yours? NEGATOR I, uh ... DILE (realizing) Wait a moment. That is Slyly Zod! What are you doing with ... ZOD Negator! Let's go! DILE Negator? Al Negator? (stops) Uncle Al? You mean ... NEGATOR (trying to leave) Gotta go, Dile. I'll write you! Acting quickly, Dile pulls out his maser pistol and aims at it Negator. DILE (nervous) Do ... do not move. NEGATOR (putting up his paws) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there, Dile. DILE I said not to move! You are wanted for questioning on a number of UAC matters! NEGATOR Dile, this is me, your Uncle Al ... DILE Freeze! I am a member of the S.P.A.C.E. fleet now. I have a job to do, and you are a wanted criminal. NEGATOR C'mon, what do you think paid for your education and board? DILE (shocked) You mean ... NEAGTOR I'm sorry, Dile, I ... Al tries to step forward. DILE Do not move! Please. NEAGTOR Let me go, Dile. We're family. DILE I cannot. You taught me ... I cannot. Dile picks up his comm. DILE Calling for assistan ... Al steps forward. Dile notices and shoots. Zod threw a ninja star that hits the gun, causing the shot to miss. Zod rushes forward and presses Dile's neck, and the little sleazasaur falls to the ground. Zod turns, and Al suddenly slugs him. The blue lizard falls. NEGATOR (checking Dile) What did you do to my cousin?! ZOD (picking himself up) Nerve pinch. He'll be paralyzed for five minutes. (grabs Al) You let your emotions get away from you. That is why I am letting this pass. But this is the last time. If you ever attack me again, I will kill you. Lashes, Tinker, and Newton arrive. Newton is sad, but Tinker is antsy. TINKER Let's go go go! Zod and Al follow them to the ship, and they leave. SCENE 25 - DOCK B6-1, ENGINEER DOME Bucky, Jenny, Deadeye, Blinky, and Bruiser are lounging around The Valkyrie, where they've been waiting for the past fifteen minutes. BUCKY I told him to be here on time. DEADEYE Sounds like th' lad don't know how t' make a good first impression. Suddenly, Mike comes bounding up. MIKE Hey! Sorry I'm late. (looks at everybody) Wow, this ship has a big crew! BUCKY Mike, glad you could make it. Try to be on time in the future. (motions to Deadeye) This is Deadeye Duck, our gunner and one of the finest marksmen in the aniverse. DEADEYE Ha hah! Pleased t' meet ye, matey. BUCKY (motioning to Bruiser) This is Bruiser, our storm trooper. He's a Betelgeusian Berserker Baboon, so toads know to get out of his way, MIKE Toads? BRUISER We'll take good care of ya, buddy! BUCKY (motioning to Blinky) And this is AFC Blinky. He's our ... Mike's eyes grow wide, and he gets excited. MIKE (to Bucky) That's where I knew your name from! You've got Blinky on your ship! (turning to Blinky) Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. (eyes lighting up) This is amazing. I get to work with an AFC! BLINKY This humble robot is proud to inspire such enthusiasm in Engineer Mike. MIKE (noticing the ship) Hey, wait a sec. I heard you guys flew a top-of-the-line frigate or something. What's this piece of junk? BUCKY This piece of junk is our temporary frigate. I hope you can do some repairs and maintenance on it while we wait for a new ship. (beat) Oh, I forgot to mention. This job will be temporary. MIKE (startled) Temporary? Why's that? JENNY (stepping in) Our regular engineer is taking some time off. We need you to fill in for Willy while he's away. MIKE Willy? Willy DuWitt? He's a legend! (excited) I get to work with the same team as Willy DuWitt! This is soooo great! (beat, suddenly stops) Oh, man. I hope you guys don't think I'm as smart as Willy. 'Cause no one's as smart as Willy. JENNY (reassuringly) It's all right, Mike. I'm sure you'll do a great job. BLINKY Blinky has full confidence in new engineer! MIKE (grinning) Thanks. BUCKY We're due back on Genus soon. Mike, I assume you flew here alone? MIKE Yes, sir. BUCKY Follow closely behind us in your own ship. That way, you'll be able to bypass Genus's defense system when we do. MIKE Yes, sir! Mike gives another sloppy salute, then runs off to another port. BUCKY All aboard. Everyone climbs aboard The Valkyrie except for Deadeye, who pulls Bucky aside. DEADEYE Right eager fellow, ain't he? BUCKY You're telling me. DEADEYE Ye saw how he was lookin' at Jenny, right, Cap'n? BUCKY Trust me, I noticed. I'm going to have to talk to him about it. DEADEYE Just makin' sure. No worries. We're a crew, and everythin' always works out. Deadeye climbs aboard. Bucky waits for a moment, then hops on board as well. The hatch closes, and the ship takes off for Genus. SCENE 26 - DOCK THREE, ORWELL STATION, ORBIT ABOVE GENUS Harry is standing outside The Screaming Mimi, talking with FIRST MATE JONATHAN WEISSMAN. CAPTAIN MIMI LAFLEUR is standing nearby. HARRY You should have been there, Jonathan! We dropped the guy in three seconds, tops! JONATHAN Uh huh. Suddenly, Dile walks in, carrying luggage. He shuffles up to Mimi and hands her an envelope. MIMI Dile? What's this? DILE My resignation letter. I am quitting as your engineer. MIMI What? You can't do that. Harry told me what happened, but ... DILE I cannot stay on the crew. I let that criminal go. MIMI But did you let him go on purpose? DILE No. I was knocked unconscious. MIMI There you go, then. DILE You do not understand. My cousin is a criminal, and he can use that against the UAC. I do not deserve to stay here any longer. You must think I have been spying all this time. You should never have trusted me. (hanging his head) I am just a sleazasaur. MIMI (putting her paws on her hips) Dile. You've proven single-handedly that not all sleazasaurs are evil. DILE But ... MIMI Did you know that Jonathan's a regen? If you did, would you treat him any differently? DILE (to Jonathan) You are a regen? JONATHAN Uh ... MIMI (continuing) And look at me. Do you have any idea what I was doing on Warren before I became a captain? I was the only vixen on a planet full of hares. (turns to Harry) And Harry, oh, you wouldn't *believe* what he's been up to ... HARRY Mimi! You promised not to tell! MIMI See, Dile? Everybody has skeletons in their closet. But you're one of the most open and straightforward people I've ever met. You didn't even know Negator was your cousin. That's good enough for me, and you're good enough for The Screaming Mimi. All right? DILE (eyes brimming) All right. Thank you, Captain. Mimi smiles. Dile walks off to unpack. SCENE 27 - MONKEY WRENCH BAR, BANZAAR Back at the bar, Lashes is serving drinks while the mercenaries sit at their usual table. Newton's drinking a glass that is way too big for him. ZOD You shouldn't drink all that. NEWTON (dejected) Shut up! I'm drowning my sorrow for my lost love. TINKER (excited) I've got soooo much information! NEGATOR Zod, sorry about punching you. You're right. I let my emotions get away from me. (beat) You're the only one I can talk to about my cousins. ZOD How do you feel? NEGATOR I tried calling them to explain, but they're not taking my calls anymore. They've cut me off. (drinks) Part of me is angry about it. I've done so much for them, and now, they treat me like this. (beat) But then, I also feel proud that I raised Dile right. Al puts down his glass and sighs, a hint of a smile visible on his face. THE END