"One Of Those Days" by Rygar First draft - 6/24/01 Final draft - 7/19/01 SCENE 1 - CHAIRMAN WARNER'S OFFICE The office is empty, save for CHAIRMAN FRITZ WARNER, who is sitting behind his desk, and CAPTAIN BUCKY O'HARE, who is sitting in a chair in front of the desk. The two are trading words, when Bucky abruptly stands up. BUCKY (a look of surprise and semi-disgust on his face) *What*? FRITZ Calm down, Bucky. I need you to do this for me. BUCKY I can't believe you'd even *ask* me to do that, Fritz! I thought you had more respect for me than that. FRITZ It's not like I've been planning this or anything, Bucky. It just came up, and there's nobody else for me to turn to. BUCKY Of all the assignments you've given me, I have to say that this may well be the worst. What makes you think I'll agree to it? FRITZ Well ... I did manage to get the fifteen thousand simoleans that repairing your maser cannon will cost. BUCKY And? FRITZ Do you know *how* I got the money? BUCKY (pauses) Actually, no. I was a little surprised when you did, since the budget is ... OK, Fritz, where'd the money come from? FRITZ (smiles) You don't want to know. But suffice to say, Captain O'Hare, you owe me. BUCKY (sighing) Fine, fine. But if you ever, ever ask me to do this again ... FRITZ I really don't see what the problem is, Bucky. BUCKY Fritz! You're asking me to speak at a frelling elementary school Career Day! FRITZ (chuckling) I take it you don't like kids, Bucky? Bucky just grumbles. FRITZ Look, it'll only take about half an hour for each of you. The Righteous isn't repaired yet, anyway, so what else are you going to do? BUCKY Look, I said I'd do it, OK? But why just me and Willy? Why not Jenny or Bruiser? FRITZ Well, we don't really want to encourage the kids to take up witchcraft, for one thing. And this is an elementary school, not a Betelgeusian military camp. There aren't even any baboon children enrolled in the school. BUCKY Well, there certainly aren't any human children enrolled, either. FRITZ True, but I'm sure some of these kids are going to end up at the Graham Institute. Can't hurt to introduce them to a real engineer early on. BUCKY Um, Willy's not actually a real engineer. You know that. FRITZ Oh, I forgot to tell you. I recently sent his file over to the Institute's administration. With a little luck, he'll be getting an honorary degree soon. Bucky's eyes widen. BUCKY Really? (beat) Wow. That'd mean a whole lot to Willy. Thanks, Fritz. FRITZ (smiling) Told you you owed me. Now, I need you and Willy to be at the school at 10 a.m. the day after tomorrow. BUCKY (grimaces) OK. I'll get in touch with him as soon as I can. Bucky gets up and heads toward the office door. BUCKY One more thing, Fritz. Which class will we be taking to? FRITZ I'm not sure. They still need guest speakers for the fifth-graders, so that's a possibility. BUCKY And if not them? FRITZ Well, they also need two speakers for the kindergarteners. Bucky's jaw drops. BUCKY Fritz. FRITZ Mm-hmm? BUCKY I'm going to kill you. FRITZ (smiles) Feel free to try. Bucky mutters under his breath as he exits the office. SCENE 2 - WILLY'S ROOM, SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH It's nighttime. ENGINEER WILLY DUWITT is standing at his window, peering through a telescope. WILLY Wow. This is such a clear night. I haven't had this good a look for some time now. Oh man, look at Mars! Maybe I'll be able to see some Martians ... I think they're the only aliens I *haven't* met yet. Willy adjusts the telescope and continues looking out of it. WILLY (smiling) This is so beautiful. All the stars... must be a million of them. (pauses) I wonder what the guys would think of something like this. They're flying around planets and stars all the time. I'm just glad I can still appreciate it. Suddenly, FIRST MATE JENNY's voice echoes through Willy's head. JENNY WILLY JENNY Willy smiles and continues to peer out the telescope. SCENE 3 - THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION Twenty minutes later, Willy's door appears in the ship. It swings open, and Willy steps through. Bucky and Jenny are waiting to greet him. BUCKY Well, that certainly took you long enough. WILLY Sorry. I was working on something. JENNY Thanks for coming, Willy. WILLY No problem. So what's up? BUCKY Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which do you want first? WILLY How about we split it? I'll take the good news. BUCKY Heh. Unfortunately, I can't keep the bad news; it applies to both of us. Are you busy the day after tomorrow? WILLY Nope. That's a Saturday, so I won't have school. BUCKY Well, you'll still be at a school. Fritz is having the two of us speak at a Career Day at Genus Elementary. WILLY (gets a quizzical look on his face) Huh? BUCKY Yep. We're taking to elementary school students, I guess about commanding a ship and working with electronics. WILLY Wait. An elementary school? Why not wait until they're in high school? Bucky shrugs. BUCKY Officials on Genus have always believed in early education. It's certainly not my idea. Sorry. WILLY Well ... OK, I guess. What's the good news? BUCKY You'll like this. Fritz sent some papers to the Graham Institute. He's trying to get you an honorary degree there. WILLY (grinning hugely) Really? I'll be an actual engineer? Awesome! BUCKY (smiles) I thought you'd like that! WILLY So, would I get a raise? BUCKY Sure. We'll double your current pay. WILLY Oh, wow. Considering that my current pay is zero ... JENNY (smiles) Trust me, Willy. None of us is making very much anyway. WILLY I know. I'm just kidding. (beat) A real engineer. Wow. This is go great! BUCKY Oh, and so you know, we're going to visit Deadeye in the hospital tomorrow evening. You can come if you'd like. WILLY Yeah, I'd like to. How is he? BUCKY He's recovering a little faster than the doctor expected. He should be out in two weeks or so, and we'll have a new maser cannon by then, so we'll be back in business. WILLY That's great. BUCKY One more thing, Willy. How are your classes going? WILLY Straight A's, Captain. I learned my lesson. Plus, it's helped that there hasn't been much to do around here lately. BUCKY (nodding) But once we're back in action, I don't want those grades slipping. WILLY I'll do my best, Captain. Anything else I need to know about? BUCKY Not really. You might want to start thinking about what to tell the kids, though. WILLY Will do. JENNY I'll let you know when we're about to visit Deadeye. WILLY Thanks, Jenny. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Willy steps back through his door. SCENE 4 - AIR MARSHAL'S QUARTERS The toad AIR MARSHAL is sitting at a control panel. He's facing a monitor and is talking to someone. AIR MARSHAL So you're sure you can get rid of the duck? VOICE Positive. He'll be taken care of by this time tomorrow. AIR MASRHAL And Bucky? VOICE I'm working on it. I'll have to get Genus's shields down. You'll only have time to sneak one group of toads through, so you'd better pick your best. AIR MASRHAL How will they know where Bucky is? VOICE I'll be able to find out. The duck'll tell me, if nothing else. AIR MASRHAL Are you sure this is the best plan? VOICE Absolutely. With the Righteous out of commission, the UAC is on its guard, and the other ships are going to be too busy to pin down. Besides, without his ship, Bucky is as vulnerable as he's ever going to be. AIR MARSHAL I understand. But you'd better pull through for me. We're paying you a lot more than we should. In fact, we shouldn't even *be* paying you! VOICE Don't worry. This will be a piece of cake. And this is definitely worth some simoleans to you. The Air Marshal pushes a button, ending the transmission. He spins around in his chair, a large grin on his face. AIR MARSHAL (gleefully) Oh, KOMPLEX is going to like this. I wonder what medal he'll give me this time? SCENE 5 - DEADEYE'S HOSPITAL ROOM The next day, Bucky, Jenny, and Willy are visiting GUNNER DEADEYE DUCK in his hospital bed. Deadeye is conscious and sitting up. He's also laughing his feathers off. DEADEYE *Kindergarteners*! Ha hah! Ye've gotta be kiddin' me, Bucky! BUCKY (arms crossed) Hmph. Unfortunately, no. Fritz told me right before we came here. I have to talk to them about my job for the Genus Elementary Career Day. DEADEYE (a tear streaming down his good eye) I'm sorry, Cap'n, but ... ha hah! I can just picture ye talkin' to the Tykes ... I'm sorry I'm gonna miss it! WILLY Thanks for the support, Deadeye. DEADEYE Hee hee ... sorry, Willy, me boy. It won't be that bad. I was a well- behaved li'l' duckling. I'm sure the tykes'll treat ya just fine. BUCKY (changing the subject) So they said what, two weeks and you'll be out? DEADEYE Aye. More like ten days. They just want to make sure everythin' has healed before they let me go. WILLY Do you feel OK? DEADEYE Feelin' fine, matey! I can understand, though. Better safe'n sorry. But ooh, I can't wait to pay them slimy toadies back with interest! JENNY Well, you won't have to wait long. DEADEYE (grins) That's what I like to hear. Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door, and then a bear NURSE carrying a tray steps in. The tray has food and a drink on it. NURSE Excuse me? Visiting time is over. I need to give the patient his meal, and then he needs some rest. BUCKY Really? That was fast. (beat) I suppose it's getting late anyway. Good seeing you, Deadeye. We'll be back tomorrow after the Career Day. DEADEYE Take it easy, Cap'n. Bucky and Willy step out of the room. Jenny hesitates a second and gives the nurse a quick look-over, then follows the others. NURSE (putting down the tray) I hear you're coming along pretty well. DEADEYE Aye, lass. Um ... not to be rude, but where's me old nurse? NURSE She's off-shift for a few days. She should be back in a day or two. (beat) So I heard your captain will be speaking at the Genus Elementary Career Day tomorrow? DEADEYE Ha hah! Yep. Funniest thing I ever heard. NURSE (putting the tray down in front of Deadeye) I think it's rather nice of him. My daughter goes there. DEADEYE Sure, it's nice of 'im. That's my Cap'n for ya. Still, I'm sure glad I ain't the one doin' it. NURSE You certainly aren't. You're going to be here a while. DEADEYE Eh. Not too much longer. The nurse takes a glass of gray liquid off the tray and hands it to Deadeye. NURSE Here. You could use a glass of water. DEADEYE Thanks, lass, but why's the water ... well, gray? NURSE Genus is experiencing a drought. We had to import water from Sludge. DEADEYE (a little unsure) All right. Water's water, I guess. Deadeye drinks the liquid and puts the empty glass on the nurse's tray. A moment later, he frowns. DEADEYE Uh, lass ... you sure that was water? Because it tasted kinda ... funny ... Suddenly, Deadeye falls back onto his bed, unmoving. NURSE (smiling) One down. SCENE 6 - CLASSROOM, GENUS ELEMENTARY The classroom is filled with about twenty little children. A young fox TEACHER is writing something on the board. She finishes the words -- "Captain Bucky O'Hare" -- and then turns around to face the children. TEACHER OK, class. Settle down! He'll be here any minute. Listen to him talk, and then it'll be time for recess! The KIDS cheer and make noise. Some of them are already not paying attention. Soon, Bucky walks through the door. His facial expression shows that he's nervous and uneasy. He looks around the classroom and approaches the teacher. BUCKY Are you Miss Karak? MISS KARAK Yes. It's so nice of you to come visit our class, Captain. You're a legend. BUCKY (smiles a little) Thanks. So, how should I go about this? MISS KARAK Well, just tell them what you do on your adventures. Make it exciting. Don't talk too much about the toads, though. It might scare them. BUCKY All right. Bucky turns and faces the class, straightens himself out, and takes a deep breath. BUCKY (to himself) Here goes ... (to the children) Hey kids. I'm Captain Bucky O'Hare, of the UAC frigate the Righteous Indignation ... Bucky goes on for about twenty minutes. He talks about his missions, focusing on freeing planets and carrying out duties for the UAC. A few of the kids pay attention to him, but most of them don't seem particularly interested. BUCKY ... and that was my favorite adventure of all. (beat) Do any of you have any questions? Some of the kids raise their hands. BUCKY (points to one of them) OK. KID #1 Can I have some ice cream? BUCKY What? Bucky looks over at Miss Karak. MISS KARAK Not now, Vuk. Wait until after recess. (to Bucky) Go ahead. BUCKY OK. Next question? KID #2 My mommy read about you in the paper. She says you're dating a witch. BUCKY (turns a little red) Um ... my first mate Jenny is an Aldebaran and is very good at her job. Next question? One of the kids, a female rabbit, starts walking toward Bucky. BUCKY Do you have a ... The kid is right in front of him. BUCKY ... question? KID #3 Are you ticklish? Suddenly, the girl jumps on Bucky and starts tickling him madly. BUCKY *Hey*! Ack! Get off! Stop that! ... Ah! ... The kid continues tickling him, giggling madly. Bucky tries to grab her and finally manages to subdue her. She's still giggling. Bucky glances over at Miss Karak. MISS KARAK OK, kids, time for recess! A loud "yay!" erupts from the children, who storm towards the door. The only one that doesn't is the little rabbit girl, who is still clinging to Bucky and giggling. MISS KARAK I'm sorry, Captain. They're just too young to appreciate all the good you've done for us. BUCKY (sighs) I know. I'm gonna kill the Chairman for this. At least the fifth- graders might have paid attention ... (looking down) ... or at least, they wouldn't have assaulted me. I hope Willy's faring better. SCENE 7 - ANOTHER CLASSROOM, GENUS ELEMENTARY He's not. WILLY ... and that's how I keep the ship maintained. Do any of you have a question? KID #4 Why did you shave off all your fur? WILLY Um. I'm not a baboon. KID #5 You're skinny for a berserker baboon. WILLY I'm not a baboon! KID #6 (beat) I don't like baboons. Willy sighs, feeling defeated. KID #7 Did you say you're the one that invented the mark-5 photon accelerator? Suddenly, Willy's spirits rise. WILLY That's right. Do you have a question about how it works? KID #7 My daddy's a mark-4 accelerator repairman. He says that because of you, he'll be out of a job soon. WILLY (grimacing) Uh ... sorry? The kid scowls at him. WILLY (turning to look at the teacher) I think I'm done. SCENE 8 - BACK ROOM, HOSPITAL, GENUS The bear nurse is sitting at a small computer terminal. She's typing furiously. NURSE I still can't believe they left backdoor access to Genus's security system on the hospital's network. But then, I suppose that's what you get for having baboon engineers. The nurse keeps typing. Finally, she stops. NURSE Here we go. Let's see ... no ... no ... yes! Got it! It's down! The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small transmitter. NURSE (into the transmitter) Code three-five-oh-nine. Coordinates twelve-eight-eleven. Thirteen seconds. Go! SCENE 9 - GENUS AIRSPACE A small six-passenger ship is floating above the planet. It appears mammalian but is manned entirely by heavily armed storm toads. One of the TOADS is holding a receiver. He hears the message. TOAD #1 We're in. Thirteen seconds. Hurry! The ship suddenly zooms toward Genus. They bypass the defense shield with ease. Right after they pass through, they hear a small electrical noise as the shield comes back online. TOAD #1 That was close. Now, head for coordinates twelve-eight-eleven. It's time to fry some fur! TOADS #1 - #6 (in unison) Destroy! Maim! Mangle! SCENE 10 - FACULTY LOUNGE, GENUS ELEMENTARY Bucky and Willy are sitting on a couch in the lounge. Bucky is sipping a drink, and the two of them are swapping horror stories from half an hour ago. BUCKY ... and then she jumped on top of me. She started tickling me and wouldn't let go. WILLY That's not so bad. Some kid blamed me for his father losing his job. (beat) Why did Fritz make us *do* this, anyway? BUCKY I dunno. But that new maser cannon better be able to sing, considering what we just went through for it. WILLY He made us do this to pay for the new maser cannon? BUCKY Yeah. Don't worry about it. Heck, this was a good experience. By comparison, I'm not afraid of the toads anymore. WILLY So why are we still here, anyway? All the other Career Day speakers left already. BUCKY Two reasons. Bucky holds up his cup. BUCKY Free coffee. Bucky then points to the window. BUCKY And I don't want to leave with those kids on the loose. Let's wait until recess is over. WILLY Good thinking. (beat) You said we'd be going to see Deadeye after this? BUCKY Yeah. Or maybe not. Let's give him time to forget that we did this today, or we'll never hear the end of it. Bucky takes another sip of his drink. Suddenly, his ears perk straight up. WILLY (noticing) Bucky? BUCKY Get down! Bucky and Willy dive for the ground as a huge explosion is heard. The lounge's window shatters, and plaster falls from the ceiling. WILLY Toads? BUCKY I hope not. Bucky's ears go up again. BUCKY The kids! Oh frell ... Bucky hops off of the floor and runs out of the room. Willy, momentarily stunned by Bucky's abrupt exit, gets up and follows him. SCENE 11 - PLAYGROUND, GENUS ELEMENTARY The toads' ship lands in the middle of the playground. The six toads quickly file out of the ship and start shooting at every mammal in sight. The little kids are small moving targets, though, and they're all able to get out of the way. Two of the toads notice various teachers trying to herd the children into cover behind a fence, and they begin firing at them. One of the teachers is hit, but the others get the kids to relative safety. TOAD #2 (motioning towards the school) We'll fry the tiny furballs later! The hare is in the building! The six toads turn around and head for the school building. One of them fires at a generator beside the building, which blows up. TOAD #3 OK, the power's out. They won't be able to send a distress signal or see. Put on your infrared goggles and get the hare! TOADS #1 - #6 Annihilate! Mutilate! Masticate! As the toads enter the building, the TEACHERS try to calm down the kids, who are screaming and crying. TEACHER #1 We've got to call the authorities! And the hospital! TEACHER #2 How? They destroyed the generator, and all our equipment feeds from it. Everything electronic is dead. TEACHER #1 Well, somebody'll notice, right? TEACHER #3 Not enough time. The police station is across town. The only person that'll notice that matters now is Bucky O'Hare. SCENE 12 - GENUS ELEMENTARY Bucky and Willy are running down the halls toward the playground when the lights went out. When Bucky notices this, he grabs Willy and dives into the nearest classroom. The room is slightly lit from light coming through the blinds on a window. WILLY Hey! What was that for? BUCKY It's toads, all right. They killed the power. That means they're coming for us. We've got to take cover and come up with a strategy. WILLY But what about the teachers and the kids? BUCKY If they're dead, they're dead. WILLY *What*? Bucky, we've got to at least ... BUCKY Shh. Bucky's ears perk up. BUCKY They're fine, OK? Now we've got to figure out how to stop those toads. Did you bring a blaster? WILLY No. BUCKY That leaves us with only my weapon. We're going to have to improvise. Search the desks. Find anything that could be used offensively ... wait. Do you think you could contact Jenny with your gems, or whatever? WILLY Um. I suppose I could try, but ... BUCKY Do it. I don't care about secrets. Without backup, we're already dead. Willy turns around, facing away from the captain, and walks to the other side of the room. He removes his cap and attempts to contact Jenny. WILLY Nothing! I can't get through. I don't understand. BUCKY Crap. Various important parts of Genus have anti-magic devices installed to prevent malicious magic attacks. She must be near one of them. WILLY Anti-magic devices? How do those work? BUCKY I'm not entirely sure. I read in a book that ... Willy, we don't have time for this! If you can't reach Jenny, find a weapon and get back over here. WILLY Sorry, Bucky! Willy rummages through the various desks. He picks two things up, then walks back over to Bucky. BUCKY What did you find? WILLY A pouch full of marbles and a bat. BUCKY A bat? Aluminum or wooden? WILLY Um ... wiffle. BUCKY Wiffle. (beat) Great. (pauses and thinks for a second) This is not going to be easy. WILLY Couldn't we just, I dunno, jump out the window or something? BUCKY No. If the toads don't find us, they'll kill every other mammal they can find. We wouldn't be able to get everybody out of here in time. (beat) Now keep quiet and stay close to me. They're approaching. I don't have a plan, but I have a strategy. WILLY And that is? BUCKY Hit and run like maniacs. SCENE 13 - HOSPITAL, GENUS Jenny, Bruiser, and AFC BLINKY are waiting outside Deadeye's room. Jenny had received a transmission earlier that told her to come quickly, and she obeyed. The bear nurse comes out to greet them. NURSE Could you please step into the room? JENNY First, tell me what's going on. Something's not right. I can feel it. NURSE Please. It'll be easier this way. BRUISER What'll be easier? The nurse ignores him and steps into the room. The three follow. Deadeye's bed is empty. It's as if he was never there. NURSE I'm afraid that Deadeye Duck passed away last night of a heart attack. Jenny and Bruiser freeze. BLINKY Calamity and woe! NURSE We don't know what exactly caused the heart attack to happen. I had him sent to autopsy. We'll let you know what happened as soon as we find out, and we'll release the body to your care. JENNY (stunned) Deadeye ... BRUISER We gotta tell the Cap'n! BLINKY Affirmative. The Captain must be informed of this dire situation immediately. NURSE I'm afraid we can't let you go yet. There's a lot of paperwork to be filled out. Which of you is the highest ranking? JENNY (beginning to fight back tears) That would be me. NURSE (hands her a large stack of papers) I need you to fill these out. They're mostly legal documents. I'll be back in an hour to pick them up. (beat) Is there anything I can do for you? JENNY No. No ... we're fine. NURSE I'm very sorry. The nurse steps out. BRUISER (sniffling) Deadeye ... buddy ... BLINKY Friend Deadeye shall be sorely missed. This humble robot would like to assist honorable First Mate Jenny in completing legal documents. JENNY (still stunned) Thanks, Blinky, but I ... I'll do this myself. But I've got to contact Bucky and Willy. Jenny closes her eyes and concentrates for a second, then opens her eyes. JENNY What in? ... BLINKY Hospital surrounded by anti-magic field. Aldebaran powers useless. JENNY (sighs) They should be back soon anyway. (looks down at the stack of papers) Oh, Deadeye ... SCENE 14 - BACK ROOM, HOSPITAL, GENUS The nurse steps in and sits down at her desk. NURSE (grinning) Heart attack. Poison. What's the difference? The nurse cackles and begins to operate the computer terminal. An image of the Air Marshal appears on the screen. NURSE I've disposed of the duck's body, and the other crew members are too occupied to help their captain. How are things going over there? AIR MARSHAL Wonderful! My troops got through Genus's defenses, just like you said they would. They landed at the elementary school fully armed. They're probably frying that filthy rodent as we speak. NURSE Great. That means my part of the bargain is completed. When can I expect my payment? AIR MARSHAL Oh, we've already had the five thousand simoleans deposited into your account. NURSE (angry) Five thousand? We agreed on fifty thousand! AIR MARSHAL What did you say? I can't hear you ... the connection must be going Bad ... NURSE This is a network connection, not some radio. You can't lose me. And you owe me forty-five thousand simoleans! AIR MARSHAL Sue me! NURSE Pay me! AIR MARSHAL Sue me! NURSE Pay m- The Air Marshal disconnects. NURSE Dammit! That filthy, stinking toad! I'll get my money if it's the last thing I... The nurse feels a blaster placed to the back of her head. NURSE ... do. VOICE No time for that. SCENE 15 - AIR MARSHAL'S QUARTERS The Air Marshal is sitting at his terminal. AIR MARSHAL Stupid bear. (beat) Now, on to the fun! The Air Marshal presses some buttons at his terminal. A shot of Genus Elementary's hallways appears on the screen. AIR MASRHAL I'm glad I installed observation hardware in the troops' infrared goggles. This is going to be a blast! SCENE 16 - GENUS ELEMENTARY Willy and Bucky are crouching behind the door of the room they're in. They're talking back and forth in whispers. Willy is visibly nervous. BUCKY Listen. They're going to spread out. They know I'll have a blaster, so they won't stay together to form one large target. You and I are going to have to stay together, because without me, you're dead. WILLY OK. BUCKY Staying in one place is risky. They probably brought field location equipment, so they'll have tabs on where they all are and will be able to communicate. If we confront one, the rest will know our position. WILLY OK. BUCKY In the halls, we won't be able to see. They will. We have to draw them to us and deal with them near the classrooms with windows. WILLY OK. BUCKY If I tell you to do something, you do it immediately and without question. WILLY OK. BUCKY If we survive this, you're never going anywhere unarmed again. WILLY OK. BUCKY Any ideas yourself? WILLY OK. BUCKY Dammit, Willy! WILLY (is startled a little) Sorry. I think you've got everything covered. BUCKY I hear one coming. When I say go, dart with me across the hall to the room opposite us. WILLY Yes, Captain. BUCKY Wait ... wait ... go! Bucky and Willy dart across the hall into another room. Down the hall, one of toads turns around. TOAD #2 I heard 'em. TOAD #1 (over comm) Gotcha. On my way. The toad runs down the hall. TOAD #2 Now where'd they go? Suddenly, the door of the classroom swings open. Bucky fires at the toad with his maser, subduing him. WILLY Grab his weapons! BUCKY We can't. They plug into his outfit. Now come on! Bucky and Willy dash down the hall. They hear the other toads coming, and a shot whizzes by, barely missing Willy's head. BUCKY Left! Bucky and Willy turn left into a new hallway and continue running. BUCKY Room on the right! They dash into a room to their right. Bucky silently pulls the door toward him so that it's just barely ajar. WILLY How do you keep knowing where to turn? I can't see a thing out there. BUCKY When we got here, I mentally estimated how far apart the intersections and classrooms are. This is a standard public building, so there won't be any variation anywhere. The other toads come to the intersection where they lost Bucky and Willy. TOAD #4 They either went right or left. Let's split up. Two of them go left. The other three go right. BUCKY They're coming. Grab an object. WILLY Any object? BUCKY Yes! Anything! Willy grabs a book from a shelf in the room. BUCKY Get over here, and when I tell you to, toss the book down the hall away from us and the toads. WILLY To distract them? BUCKY You're the genius, Willy. They're coming ... throw it! Willy throws the book. It lands with a thud. TOAD #1 I saw something! TOAD #4 I heard something! The toads run down the hall, past Bucky and Willy. Bucky steps slightly out of the doorway and fires twice. He hits one of the toads and misses the other. The toad still standing wheels around and fires. Bucky ducks back. The part of the doorframe right above his head disintegrates. Bucky leaps sideways out of the room, firing at the toad. The toad fires back. Bucky hits the toad, and the toad hits Bucky's blaster. BUCKY (dropping his useless weapon) Willy, come on! Willy darts out of the classroom and runs alongside Bucky. WILLY How are we doing? BUCKY We've dealt with three of them. I don't know how many more there are, but my blaster got slagged. Right! Bucky and Willy turn right at a four-way intersection. They can see their surroundings a little, as some light is filtering in through the edges of a doorframe that leads outside; they would have arrived at the exit door if they had continued going straight. Bucky pauses and listens. BUCKY They're coming. Two of them. Got the marbles, Willy? WILLY Yeah. BUCKY Get ready to throw them into the hall. We're gonna trip those filthy toads up. WILLY Heh. I feel like Macauley Culkin. BUCKY Who? WILLY Never mind. I'm ashamed I even said that. BUCKY Ok ... shh. (beat) Throw 'em! Willy opens the pouch and scatters the marbles onto the floor. The toads run right into them and fall onto their backs. BUCKY The bat! WILLY Huh? BUCKY Knock them out with the bat! WILLY OK ... Willy shuffles over to the toads -- kicking the marbles out of his way rather than stepping on them -- and then whacks them in the head as hard as he can with the wiffle bat. He hears them both groan and then fall silent. WILLY (notices they're not moving) I *hope* I only knocked them out ... BUCKY Don't worry about it. They would have killed us. TOAD #5 And I'll still kill you. Bucky and Willy look up, ahead of them. They can make out one last toad, pointing a large gun at them. TOAD #5 I doubled back around to cover the others. Looks like I'm the only one left. That means more medals for me. Hmmm ... I think I'll kill the hairless baboon first. He's too ugly to live. The toad raises his blaster when suddenly, the exit door bursts open and a blaster shot strikes the toad, knocking him down. BUCKY (panting) He said he was the last one, so we're safe ... but who? Bucky and Willy turn to their right. Deadeye is standing in the doorway, blowing on the barrel of his maser blaster. DEADEYE Hey, maties! Sorry it took me so long t' get here. BUCKY (surprised) Deadeye! You're supposed to still be in bed. What's going on? DEADEYE Long story, Cap'n. Ain'cha glad I'm here, though? Wish I'd gotten t' fry more toadies. But right now, we've gotta get back to the hospital. Jenny, Bruiser, and Blinky all think I'm dead. WILLY They what? DEADEYE I said it was a long story, Willy, me boy! Now come on. BUCKY Hold on. We've got to make sure the teachers and kids are all right first. They should all be around back. I'm sure glad those toads decided to attack during recess. WILLY And I'll see if I can get power restored to the building. Bucky and Willy head back into the school. DEADEYE Ach, not even a "nice to see ye." (sighs) Maybe I *will* get back in bed. SCENE 17 - AIR MARSHAL'S QUARTERS The Air Marshal turns off the monitor. AIR MARSHAL (sweating heavily) Uh-oh. SCENE 18 - HOSPITAL, GENUS Jenny and Bruiser are still sitting in Deadeye's old hospital room, both with sullen expressions and dried tears on their faces. Blinky is on low-power reserve mode. The stack of completed papers is sitting on a third chair. JENNY (thinking to herself) It's been nearly two hours. Where did that nurse go? Maybe I should go look for her. Stupid anti-magic barrier. Just then, there's a knock on the door. JENNY (thinking) Finally! Jenny gets up and answers the door. To her surprise, Bucky and Willy are standing there. JENNY Bucky! Willy! Jenny leans over and hugs them both. JENNY How did you know we were here? Never mind. I have horrible news ... DEADEYE (from beside the door, in the hall) And I've got quite a story for ye, Jenny, me lass. Jenny's eyes widen. JENNY *Deadeye*?! But ... BRUISER *Deadeye*! Blinky whirs and comes back to life. Deadeye steps between Bucky and Willy and enters the room. DEADEYE Glad *you* guys're happy to see me. (motions toward Bucky and Willy) These two couldn'a cared less. JENNY The nurse said you were dead! She had me fill out paperwork, and ... DEADEYE Aye. She *thought* I was dead. She slipped me some poison yesterday. JENNY She did? I *knew* there was something about her I didn't like. But why didn't it work? DEADEYE Are ye kiddin' me? I'm a pirate! I drank poison regularly when I was younger. Gets ye immune t' it. When every other duck ye know is a potential backstabber, ye'd best be immune t' as much as possible. (beat) When I tasted the poison, I realized she was probably workin' fer the toadies. Ye know ye can't trust a bear nowadays 'cuz of the Bear/Toad Alliance. Anyway, I pretended to be affected by the poison, and I slowed down me breathin' and heartbeat -- another pirate trick. (beat) She tossed me in a dumpster out back. I got out an' took care of her, then I went to rescue Willy an' the Cap'n. JENNY Rescue? What happened at the school? BUCKY Toad ambush. They took down all communications and power and went after us. If it weren't for Deadeye, we'd be a stain on the school's carpet right now. BRUISER (scratching his head) I'm confused. JENNY So, what happened to the nurse? DEADEYE I got her tied up in a back room she was usin' to communicate with the toadies. BUCKY Maybe we can get some information out of her. JENNY So everyone's OK? WILLY Yup! JENNY That's all I need to know. WILLY Say, Bucky ... BUCKY Yes, Willy? WILLY You never explained to me how anti-magic devices work. BUCKY Like I said, I'm not positive ... JENNY I'll tell you, Willy. Magic may be powerful, but it can't affect anything at the subatomic level. So basically, magic draws the line at, say, alchemy. Anti-magic devices produce a small cover of sub-atomic particles around the protected area. Magic can't affect it or breach it. BUCKY If that hadn't been up, this day would have been a lot less of a headache. JENNY And as for you, Deadeye: Why didn't you let us know you were OK earlier? I mean, did you *see* how much bogus paperwork I filled out? DEADEYE Ha hah! Sorry, lass. There wasn't any time. I hid out in the back room so's I could spy on the nurse, and when I found out that Bucky and Willy were in danger, I knew I had to get over there as soon as I could. Turns out I made it just in time as it was. BUCKY And we're grateful to you for that, Deadeye. But you're still supposed to be resting in that bed. Now get back in. DEADEYE Aw, Cap'n! I'm completely healed! Ain'cha been payin' attention? JENNY I think he's right, Bucky. BUCKY (sighs) Fine, fine. But we still won't have a maser cannon on board the Righteous for a few more days. Bucky gestures towards the door. BUCKY Let's go. I have a certain Chairman to bitch out ... The six crew members exit the room. SCENE 19 - AIR MARSHAL'S QUARTERS As he always does after a botched mission, the Air Marshal is groveling in front of KOMPLEX, who appears on the monitor of the computer terminal. KOMPLEX So, Air Marshal, tell me: Why did you fail? *Again*? AIR MARSHAL I'm s-so sorry, Oh Mighty KOMPLEX! It wasn't my fault! It was ... it Was ... it was that hairless b-baboon! He's the one! We thought Bucky would be alone! If that baboon hadn't been there, my troops could easily have taken care of O'Hare! KOMPLEX Hmm. (beat) Before I punish you, Air Marshal, I have another job for you. AIR MARSHAL Y-Yes, Oh Mighty KOMPLEX? KOMPLEX Get me more information on this "hairless baboon." THE END