"Toad TV" by Lexus First draft - 2/26/04 Final draft - 7/15/04 Edited by Rygar SCENE 1 - TOAD TV BROADCAST The image quality is inconsistent, going from crisp to fuzzy to clean again with quick bursts of static as channels keep being changed. From time to time, a subliminal message flashes on the screen, just long enough to be read. The broadcast itself is a bizarre montage of popular culture, going rapidly from one show to another before finally settling on a stand-up comedy show. An annoying theme song buzzes in the background as toad children hop along the squares of an idealized swampland setting. Halfway through, a logo pops up for "Swampyland." BOARD GAME COMMERCIAL Roll the dice and hop along, buy the game and sing this song ... A sitcom atmosphere invites canned laughter as two toads stand in an apartment. A fresh burst of laughter sounds as a third charges in unannounced. SEINFROG Why didn't you tell me you had a woodshed ... SUBLIMINAL -YOU LOVE KOMPLEX- On a cooking show, a toad in an apron stands in a kitchen setting and reaches for jar of insects. FLY DONE RIGHT Then we take our secret ingredient: just a hint of gnat ... A solemn toad anchor sits before a diagram of known space. TBC NEWS While these rumors are unconfirmed, our sources say the albedo does suggest the presence of plutonium ... A stale, predictable presentation appears, hawking a commemorative plate set with Toadborg's face on it. TOAD SHOPPING NETWORK And for that same low, low price, we'll throw in the full collector's set ... SUBLIMINAL -WAR IS PEACE- A game show appears, featuring stand-up comedy before a panel of three judges. The contestant looks nervous. YOUR PAD OR MINE? How many toads does it take to screw in a light bulb? One toad, thirty- seven light bulbs ... slippery hands, y'know. (beat, no applause) Wait! I can do better! A toad goes to get a loan from a bank and speaks to Patricia Black, he offers a paperweight as collateral. The loan officer speaks to her manager and says, "I've got a toad at my desk who wants to borrow money, but all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight." The manager looks at it and says. "It's a knick- knack, Patty Black; give the frog a loan." SCENE 2 - TOAD LOUNGE A change of perspective reveals that the television is, in fact, being almost absent-mindedly watched by two off-duty techtoads, ANDY and BOB. The lounge is a sparsely decorated room with a dilapidated couch in the back. A row of wall-mounted television screens circles the room, with all the screens blaring Toad TV. Andy and Bob are on the couch, discussing the show. BOB (musing) I could never do that. ANDY What, humiliate yourself in public? Don't try to suppress it. You've got the gift. You should be proud of it. BOB No. Get up in front of an audience and pretend to be someone else for twenty-odd minutes. ANDY Isn't the point to just be yourself? BOB No, the point is to be someone amusing, witty and entertaining. ANDY (solemnly) I see your point. Bob speaks resignedly -- it's obvious this is regular repartee for them. BOB Why do I even talk to you? ANDY Because no one else will listen. SCENE 3 - SECURITY FOOTAGE With a sudden burst of static, the scene polarizes slightly, becoming security footage as recorded live by a KOMPLEX camera. It's easy to tell, thanks to the word "REC" down in one corner, the blinking red dot beside it, and the long string of numbers representing date and time in the other corner slowly counting upward. The camera pans once from Andy to Bob as they continue talking, apparently unaware that they are being observed. SUBLIMINAL -REBELLION KILLS TADPOLES- BOB I have to be mildly entertaining, or you wouldn't listen, right? ANDY I could be laughing *at* you, not with you. BOB Are you? ANDY Put it this way. I watch you during the commercial breaks. BOB Oh, that's harsh. We have conversations, we're conversing right now -- that's amusing, isn't it? Witty? ANDY I wouldn't call it conversing, really. I just make encouraging sounds every now and then. BOB We're still going back and forth. That's conversation. ANDY Conversation has real content. It talks about something with meaning. BOB Conversation talks on its own, now? ANDY Oh, you know what I meant. SUBLIMINAL -DESTROY ALL MAMMALS- SCENE 4 - TOAD LOUNGE With another message and pop of static, the visual resolves back to the reality, with no indication that the toads are being observed. BOB Who is conversation, and why haven't you introduced us? You never introduce me to any of your friends. ANDY That's because I want to keep them. BOB So conversation isn't just someone to talk to, it's a friend of yours as well? ANDY (rolling his eyes) I am so not having this discussion. Conversation doesn't talk, OK? Conversation is, in and of itself, talk. BOB Yeah, I hear conversation never shuts up. ANDY It must run in the family, Mr. Conversation. BOB Wait, you mean I'm related to him? Are we talking in some sort of code? ANDY (straightforwardly, laying down the law) Yes. We're talking in code. If you use your secret decoder ring, the phrase "trees bark loudly at trespassers" is a secret phrase that means "you're an idiot." So from now on, whenever I say, "Trees bark loudly at trespassers," you'll know to put a cork in it and let Mr. Conversation start talking and, if Mr. Conversation isn't around, not to say a word until he gets here and starts discussing quantum physics, all right? Now, let's practice: Trees bark loudly at trespassers. BOB (mulls this for a brief moment of silence) But you just called me Mr. Conversation. I'm not to say a word until I get here? SCENE 5 - MONITOR ROOM For the moment, all that's visible is a single screen displaying the toad lounge, with Andy and Bob chatting. Above the display, a faceplate reads "Lounge D2," with a VCR-like setup recording the conversation. ANDY ... see, this is why you're not a stormtoad. The view pans past several other screens, each with a VCR and nameplate, which read "Hallway H14," "Barracks C3," "Kitchen F2," and so forth, each with an appropriate visual -- not all of them are inhabited, but they're all being recorded nonetheless. For a brief moment, a subliminal message flashes on one. SUBLIMINAL -THIS MESSAGE IS A LIE- The view settles on the "Bridge A4t" monitor, displaying the bridge of the ship, where TOADBORG stands addressing the screen. This doesn't just have the recording information -- it also has a barcode superimposed in one upper corner and a constantly changing line of numbers -- coordinates, raw data, and so forth -- scrolling rapidly up the right side. This must be how it looks from KOMPLEX's point of view. TOADBORG As you command, Oh Mighty KOMPLEX. With that cursed rodent running scared, we shouldn't have any trouble establishing a mining facility. I hardly think it even rates a mothership. SCENE 6 - BRIDGE OF MOTHERSHIP On the mothership's bridge, activity is low, with various toads going about routine tasks. There's no sense of urgency; it's just another day on the job. Toadborg is speaking to a monitor on which KOMPLEX itself is displayed, regarding Toadborg with benevolent malevolence, as is its wont. KOMPLEX Bucky O'Hare is still out there, somewhere -- do not forget that you allowed him to escape Genus -- so there is no need to take unnecessary risks. TOADBORG You are correct, as always. But spread as thin as we are, I should be able to handle the matter with a simple mining corvette. We cannot spare much more. KOMPLEX I would not lose your presence to such a trivial task, Toadborg, which is why Air Marshal will supervise this excursion. Hopefully, his leadership and tactical brilliance will be honed to a razor-sharp edge by facing daunting opponents such as rock. And more rock. TOADBORG I do not understand, KOMPLEX. You seemed pleased with our execution of the invasion of Genus, which the Air Marshal supervised. KOMPLEX I should not have kept you from the military so long, Toadborg; what is left of your toad brain has become feeble. You and I both know how lazy the Air Marshal has become in recent years. No matter what front he puts on, he will never be the warrior that he once was, or that you are. (beat) To display gratitude is to show weakness and invite complacency. TOADBORG (in sudden understanding) Ah. (beat) But then why do you give him those medals? KOMPLEX The little fool loves those stupid medals. More than half of them are meaningless, but they appease him. Cruelty is the best way to keep my troops in line, but it must be tempered somewhat, or you risk the consequences. (beat) As you know, the Air Marshal was also responsible for allowing most of those sniveling S.P.A.C.E. rodents to escape. While I highly doubt they will disrupt the mining expedition, one can never be sure exactly where that meddlesome green rabbit will appear. Now do you understand the presence of a mothership? TOADBORG Of course. With any luck, it should keep him out of trouble. KOMPLEX If it does not, it will certainly get him back out of it again in one piece. I have plans for him, Toadborg, and they do not involve being spread across the sector. Your task is to reclaim that plutonium ore, and the Air Marshal is to supervise. I leave the execution to your discretion, so if you consider a mothership unnecessary, send only a corvette -- but *you* will take responsibility. Do you understand? TOADBORG Absolutely, Oh Mighty KOMPLEX. May I send two motherships? KOMPLEX No. Across the bridge, ADAM -- nominally the commanding officer, although the presence of both Toadborg and KOMPLEX makes it a moot point -- strolls up to BARRY, a radar operations personnel. The conversation between the two commanders fades out as the view follows the lesser toads. ADAM (barely paying attention while performing a routine inspection) Any sign of mammals, Lieutenant? BARRY (casually) Yes, sir. we've got half a dozen frigates sneaking up on our backside. RF signatures indicate they're preparing to launch rockets at us, actually. Why do you ask? ADAM (startled) What?! BARRY (sighs) No, no sign of mammals. They're still all hiding. ADAM Um, well. Carry on. BARRY Seriously, sir, why do you ask? Why do you walk around here, lurk over our shoulders, and say, "Any sign of mammals?" like that? Don't you think the first thing I'd do if I picked one up on long-range radar is find you and tell you about it? It's not as if we're sitting on these sudden revelations while we wait for you to get around to us. ADAM It's just the way we do things, Lieutenant. I come around, I check to see if you're sleeping on the job, I make sure you're paying attention and not daydreaming again. BARRY All right, I can see that, but for radar ops? The first thing radar does when it detects something is try and identify it. The second thing it does is give me an awful headache with a loud squeal and a big flashing light. Don't you think I'd notice that, sir? ADAM It's really not that big a deal, is it? I pop around every now and then, we chat about the weather back on the home world -- not that there's any weather there -- I casually ask if you've noticed anything odd like our sworn enemies trying to destroy us, you say, "No, sir, no one's shooting at us right now," I say, "Oh, good, all's well that ends well," and we go on our merry way. Are you really so deeply offended by that? BARRY All I'm saying is, it doesn't make sense. ADAM It doesn't have to make sense. These are the orders, this is the job. You're watching radar, so from time to time, I'm going to check up on you. If you can't accept that, there are a few thousand stormtoads looking for promotions who can. Am I clear, Lieutenant? BARRY (sighs again) No sign of mammals, sir. ADAM Oh, good. Carry on. BARRY Yes, sir. The view shifts back to Toadborg and KOMPLEX, just finishing up their discussion. TOADBORG I still feel that you have made a mistake in allowing Captain Smata to oversee Genus instead of myself. KOMPLEX You should feel that *you* have made a mistake in questioning my decisions, Toadborg. Begone. TOADBORG (simmering just a little) Of course, Oh Mighty KOMPLEX. KOMPLEX vanishes, leaving Toadborg with a blank screen. Toadborg, in a bad mood, stomps from the bridge to the elevator. SCENE 7 - AIR MARSHAL'S QUARTERS In his cabin, the AIR MARSHAL dozes, face-down on his bunk with drool pooling around his slack jaw. On the monitor, a commercial for "Criqusel" (fast-acting relief for that lunch that just won't stop wriggling; side-effects include nausea, stomach pain, depression, kidney disorders, lycanthropy, an unnatural fear of flowering vines, glowing eyes, leprosy, and the death of immediate family members) goes largely unnoticed in the background, especially as Toadborg rudely barges in. TOADBORG (at the top of his lungs) AIR MARSHAL! AIR MARSHAL (bolts upright, eyes wide open and unfocused) Daddy, I swear I buried it here! TOADBORG (stunned) ... what? AIR MARSHAL (now actually awake) Huh? SUBLIMINAL (visible on the monitor) -SPEND SPEND SPEND- TOADBORG (disgusted) Get up, Air Marshal. Meet me in the planning room, KOMPLEX has a mission for you. And clean yourself up. You're a mess. The view stays on the monitor as Toadborg leaves and the Air Marshal stumbles into the bathroom, squints at the mirror, towels off his face, and dashes out of the room on Toadborg's heels. AIR MARSHAL (mumbling to himself) They shouldn't treat me this way. I conquered Genus! The commercial is just finishing up, and the view continues to zoom in until the broadcast is all that's visible, becoming the scene. SCENE 8 - TOAD TV BROADCAST A splash logo for "Ramsey McRana and the Hare Wars," accompanied by a ludicrously idealized image of a rakishly handsome toad looking adventurous across a backdrop of various crewmembers and ships, fills the screen along with a snatch of its theme song. THEME Ramsey! Captain Ramsey McRana! Mammals and warmbloods and hares scram- a! You're looking for adventure? Well, this is it! With Jenfly, Bugeye, Sticky, and Warty DeSchmitt! ANNOUNCER And now, back to our show! The show, already in progress, kicks back in. A double bubble, retrofitted with enormous engines and a racing stripe, accelerates through space. Inside, the crew dramatically converses. They are CAPTAIN RAMSEY McRANA, an impossibly charismatic Han Solo-esque pilot (complete with fedora); FIRST MATE JENFLY, an eldritch and mysterious half-vampire toad chosen from birth to lead the aniverse; GUNNER BUGEYE, a squat one-eyed pirate (complete with tricorne) whose eye patch tends to migrate from one side of the face to the other; FIRST CLASS TOADDROID STICKY, a highly sophisticated garbage disposal whose inventor sought to create the first Swiss Army Kitchen Sink; and ENGINEER WARTY DESCHMITT, an eight-year-old hyper-genius from another dimension whose goal in life is to reprogram Sticky to eat anything and spit out candy. JENFLY *Ramsey*, how *could* you?! RAMSEY *Relax*, Jenfly -- you left it *sitting* in the *open*! JENFLY But it was my *lunch*! BUGEYE Then you should have just *eaten* it! STICKY *Ex-ter-mi-nate*! WARTY *Bad* Sticky! Candy first, *then* genocide! RAMSEY *What* have I *told* you about bringing *that* onto the bridge?! WARTY Try and cut back? JENFLY *Why* won't anyone listen to *my* needs?! STICKY *Danger*, Ramsey McRana, *danger*! BUGEYE The darn robot's *right*! The *mammal armada* is in our *way*! WARTY (speaking faster and faster) They *must* have transversed the polar fluctuation of the spatial osmotic discriminator and caused an annular neonucleonic warp to overcome the metaphasic flux bubble produced by our quantum genetic energy scanner and inserted themselves into the trans-biomimetic confinement stream with some sort of duodynetic impulse converter ... Warty collapses, his face blue, unconscious. Abruptly, where clear space was, the bubble is completely surrounded by several thousand vaguely frigate-like ships of war, each with glowing red eyes and a pointy-teeth decal across the nose. JENFLY Oh *Ramsey*, we're *doomed*! The entire mammal armada opens up all at once, filling the on- screen aniverse with a veritable hurricane of maser fire, all of which completely fails to strike home. On the bubble, Ramsey yawns and checks his watch before leaning forward and pressing a huge red button. The bubble fires a single tiny plasma blast, which somehow causes the entire armada to explode instantly, leaving the double bubble as the sole survivor. RAMSEY *Hare* today ... *gone tomorrow*! JENFLY Oh, *Ramsey*, my *hero*! Sticky begins to say something, then beeps pitifully as a puff of smoke escapes from its chest plate, accompanied by the sizzle of fried silicon. Then it explodes, its cute little head bouncing off the bulkhead and rolling under a chair. BUGEYE You're *right* about that! The entire crew laughs, as a sudden burst of static resolves the screen into ... SUBLIMINAL -OBEY THE SCREEN- SCENE 9 - TOAD LOUNGE It's a familiar setup, with several television screens arrayed across the room. In this case, the single easy chair in the middle has been bolstered by reinforcements in the form of folding chairs, several of which are occupied by off-duty stormtoads -- ALBERT, BENJAMIN, CHAD, DONNY, EGBERT, and FREDDY. All are passing a bowl of popcorn flies around and mocking the show, with sounds of disbelief. ALBERT Active duty isn't like that! BENJAMIN Why won't they let me paint my bubble, huh? DONNY You couldn't see out of it, doof! EGBERT You can't fit that many people in a double bubble anyway. CHAD Frog's legs! FREDDY Yeah, you'd need a redouble bubble at least. They settle down, gesturing a little rudely from time to time at the television screens. ALBERT That is so much harespit. It's completely unrealistic. Why doesn't Ramsey have wingmen? CHAD Ramsey doesn't need wingmen. He's a captain. ALBERT Why doesn't he have something bigger than a bubble, then? CHAD Because he's *Ramsey*. You're missing the point. EGBERT It's just a show, c'mon. BENJAMIN No, he's right, though, that's not what it's like. I don't get a fly dispenser in my bubble. FREDDY You don't? We all have them. BENJAMIN Buzz off, flybrain ... ALBERT ... you're just sitting out there with a thin wall between your lungs and the biggest desert *ever*. And it starts out nice and damp, but then the grit loosens up and turns all that good wet into mud, gets up into your ... DONNY And S.P.A.C.E. doesn't have expendable fighters like we do -- damn mammals and their low birth rates. They don't have to throw themselves up against an immovable wall and hope for a lucky break. ALBERT I don't care what Ramsey faces; you don't know impossible odds until you've watched the rest of your squad get iced by a frelling frigate and had to take the next slot in line ... CHAD ... the anticipation that kills you, really. FREDDY No, the anticipation is annoying. It's the *mammals* that kill you ... ALBERT ... worst part of it all is the roster. BENJAMIN Oh, frell. EGBERT The damn roster. FREDDY Don't remind me. ALBERT And the queue, too. You just get to start to know your bunkmate, you find out what music they like, hear about that dream they have where they keep trying to climb a tree made of butter ... CHAD Wait, that happened? ALBERT ... about their dreams and fears and hopes, and then one day you wake up and they're gone, there's a new name and a new face in the next bunk, and no one really knows the old name because it happens so often there's no point in remembering anymore. EGBERT And you can't help it. SUBLIMINAL -AVOID SALADS- BENJAMIN It's like a drug. It's addictive. ALBERT No, you can't help it, you have to go check the damn roster just to make sure you weren't dreaming and you don't need to wake up, and that's the only place his name exists anymore. EGBERT And the queue, when your name is up ... CHAD The warmbloods have to have it easy. I hear they only lay ten eggs at a time ... EGBERT I heard it's less than that, even. DONNY Less than ten? What's the point? FREDDY Maybe it's a hobby for them. CHAD Easier to name, too. No wonder they arm their soldiers better. They can actually remember their names. ALBERT We've got more bubbles than stormtoads ... ugh, did you ever adjust the seat and feel that sticky ... DONNY That was you? You had that bubble last? ALBERT Hey, go croak up a tree ... DONNY You've got to hold your water, man ... ALBERT I'm warning you ... DONNY About time! ALBERT Stop or I'll ... DONNY I won't! ALBERT Not so fast! DONNY That's what your momma said to me last night! There's a brief pause as everyone takes this in, almost in disbelief -- and with the exception of Donny and Albert, start sniggering. ALBERT (speaking first to the room in general, then Donny) What?! Well, your momma told *me* ... The conversation collapses as the Air Marshal barges in, a frown across his face. Obviously annoyed, he addresses his troops. AIR MARSHAL Stand at attention! I said *stand*! Oh, never mind. Just listen up. (clears his throat) Despite the fact that I recently spearheaded the effort to capture Genus -- and only received three medals for it -- I have been assigned to supervise a second mining expedition. Everyone report to their stations for briefing and assignment, at once, and wait until you hear word from me! Understand? Get going, hop to it! SCENE 10 - CORRIDOR The stormtoads file out into the corridor, heading through the guts of the spaceship toward their duty stations as the Air Marshal lumbers on toward the planning room. In the back, Albert and Donny are glowering at each other from time to time as the rest continue. BENJAMIN They should do a *real* show about stormtoads. CHAD Us, you mean? BENJAMIN Right, about us. We're the lifeblood of this fleet. Why not? EGBERT Because we're boring. FREDDY Speak for yourself. EGBERT No, really, *this* is what we do -- sit around and mock the TV. Ramsey has adventures all the time. Even lunch is an adventure for him requiring no less than two commercial breaks. A show about real stormtoads would be about some guys sitting around a TV until it's time to fly out and get blown up. A brief pause lingers, as everyone pictures this. BENJAMIN It could work! The others drown Benjamin out in an impressive series of groans and gestures, as the stormtoads are passed by Andy and Bob, headed in the other direction. The view starts following the techtoads instead of the soldiers, leaving the stormtoads in the background. They diplomatically wait for a few seconds, getting out of range, before speaking. BOB "Lifeblood of the fleet" ... pah! ANDY Yeah, everyone knows it's the people who fix the fly dispensers that run the show. BOB No, seriously. Stormtoads just happened to be born at the right time. ANDY That's why you failed the entrance exams three times in a row, right? BOB Everyone else wanted to be a stormtoad. I did too, OK? But I'm glad I ended up here. This is much better. This is where things *happen*. ANDY Yup, the cutting edge of the war effort is in degunking pipe valves. BOB Laugh if you want to, but without us, the double bubbles would be out of commission and the stormtoads would be swimming through space with a rock in each hand. Mark my words, we're the ones who keep KOMPLEX on top. ANDY Consider them marked. BOB They could do a show about us, even! We don't just sit around, we *do* things. There are a hundred life-or-death decisions we make every day ... ANDY To fix or not to fix, that is the question. BOB Well, no, but more than just that! Wrench in hand, we wade into battle on an hourly basis, to combat the merciless foes of ineptitude and obsolescence, and only when our enemy is alive and well do we claim victory! ANDY I think it's possible I will never forget those words. BOB Stormtoads just happened to be born at the right time. That's all there is to it. ANDY No one wants to watch a show about techtoads. They want action, excitement, and drama. Most audiences don't find troubleshooting laser arrays to be dramatic. BOB Well, what do we need? We have a hero -- yours truly. We have a sidekick. ANDY Don't even *think* about it. BOB ... OK, OK, the plucky and courageous partner. But I still get to rescue you from time to time. ANDY (sighs) If it'll shut you up. BOB Then we need a mascot... (fumbles at his tool belt and pulls out a wrench) Mr. Wrench! ANDY Our mascot is a wrench? BOB You gotta think about marketing. ANDY That means the wrench is the romantic interest, too, no doubt. Two mammals with one stone. BOB (puts the wrench away with a serene smile) Actually, I'm still reviewing applications for that part. ANDY And the villain? BOB (dramatically declaimed) Improperly serviced ball bearings! ANDY (rolls his eyes) I can't wait to see the action figure. Toadborg, en route to the planning session, catches this last bit and turns with a snarl towards the techtoads. TOADBORG What worthless drivel are you spouting? BOB (gulps) Nothing, sir. TOADBORG Then get back to work! ANDY Y-yes, sir! SCENE 11 - MONITOR ROOM On the "Hallway B8" monitor, Toadborg glowers at the two shaken techtoads before stomping away again, definitely not in a good mood. The view pans again, but this time, instead of just moving on to the next screen, it actually turns, showing the rest of the monitor room -- a narrow corridor of seemingly endless monitors on one side and VCR tapes on the other, with spider-like robots constantly shuffling from one row to the next to replace tapes on the monitor side and swap them out from the tape side. The view does a full circle, taking all this in before settling back in on the monitor side, zooming in on an unidentified screen currently showing a canned commercial for the news -- rumors confirmed on plutonium ore, a mix-up in the dining hall causes a dinner of prize, not flies (with footage of toads looking befuddled at their trays of Oscars and Golden Globes), swampfront property now available cheap on Genus, film at eleven. Then, it fades in to the current program: a scripted propaganda interview of Toadborg. Toadborg is sitting in a canvas folding chair, looking awfully heroic -- almost like Ramsey, in fact, minus the hat. The INTERVIEWER can barely be seen; he's more of a silhouette off to one side. INTERVIEWER (in hushed, reverent tones) For those of you just joining us, we've been granted a rare one-in-a- lifetime opportunity to speak one-on-one with the great Toadborg, second-in-command to KOMPLEX itself and the first of our new cybernetic augmentations. SUBLIMINAL -OBJECTS IN MIRROR MAY- INTERVIEWER Again, Toadborg, thank you for being here, and so soon after the capture of Genus, no less. TOADBORG (obviously not wanting to be there) You are very welcome. I always have time for my fellow toads. INTERVIEWER With Genus cowering in fear under the awesome might of the Toad Empire and the insidious Bucky O'Hare rumored to have been taken out of the picture for good, what, in your opinion, is the greatest remaining obstacle to toad supremacy? TOADBORG That rodent was never an obstacle to begin with -- merely a mosquito KOMPLEX hadn't been bothered to swat yet. The enemies we face are rarely targets on our vidscreen. INTERVIEWER Oh? TOADBORG The mammals of S.P.A.C.E. are, of course, a threat to our way of life and an evil to be extinguished. But to do that, KOMPLEX needs our support. We all need to do our part -- from the admiral of the fleet to the lowest, rawest recruit -- and stand up for our friends. Our family. Our future. INTERVIEWER Brilliantly put, Toadborg. What is it like to be the right hand of KOMPLEX? TOADBORG It is an honor, of course, and a solemn duty. The lives of thousands are routinely placed in my hands, and to uphold the faith of KOMPLEX and of our troops is no small matter. But I am proud to lead such a distinguished collective. (obviously reading a teleprompter, uncomfortably) I wake up each morning knowing that just as we all do our best to succeed for KOMPLEX, I take that strength and drive us all towards the future. What is it like? It's like being at the helm of the largest ship in the aniverse, and setting a course for victory! SUBLIMINAL -BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR- A burst of static changes the image into ... SCENE 12 - PLANNING ROOM The planning room boasts an oversized television screen on one end. A long table stretches the length of the room, with plenty of chairs to go around, and a water cooler sits off at one end. Toadborg and the Air Marshal are both there, and Toadborg is lowering the remote control with which he's just changed the propaganda channel to a diagram of known space, reminiscent of the one shown by the news channel whenever the plutonium gets brought up. The Air Marshal is begrudgingly going over some documents in a folder, while Toadborg seems to have mellowed out somewhat, looking at the monitor pensively, thinking about what he's just seen himself say. TOADBORG The only thing that disgusts me more than Toad TV is appearing on Toad TV. AIR MARSHAL You're just upset because KOMPLEX didn't give you a medal. TOADBORG No. I am upset, Air Marshal, because no matter how incompetent you are, no matter how many times you screw up, and no matter how poorly your missions go, I always find myself having to deal with you. AIR MARSHAL (getting upset) You can't talk to me that way! I conquered Genus! TOADBORG And you're about to conquer rock. Get going, or KOMPLEX will be most displeased! AIR MARSHAL (having had enough) Most displeased? With me? You're the one he had working in warehouses while *I* was leading the entire toad armada! While you were fixing plumbing, I was out conquering planets! (picking up the papers again) I've done nothing to displease KOMPLEX, except for the failed plutonium mission -- a mistake I am about to fix. Toadborg just glares at the Air Marshal, with a murderous glint in his eyes. AIR MARSHAL Wait a minute. I don't see anything in here about my escort. How many of my motherships will be accompanying the mining corvette? TOADBORG (viciously) None. AIR MARSHAL But what about ... TOADBORG (cutting him off) No. SCENE 13 - CORRIDOR Toadborg strides from the planning room, with the air of a job well done. TOADBORG (thinking) (beat) Speaking of stormtoads, Albert and Donny pass Toadborg en route to their duty stations, still glowering almost absent-mindedly at each other. The view pauses and follows them instead, reversing direction to keep up with them. They pause, two doors on each side of the corridor - - obviously their destinations -- and turn to glower for a final time. ALBERT Go climb a tree. DONNY Suck an egg, hare-lover. Albert and Donny pause, looking down and shuffling their feet, before sighing. ALBERT (reaching out and clasping hands) Good luck out there, man. Donny gives his companion a brief pat on the back before stepping back. DONNY Stay alive, huh? ALBERT Oh, we'll be all right. Did you see Toadborg? He's got to be in on this if he's that worked up. DONNY Toadborg's running it? ALBERT What *doesn't* he run? I heard he was a stormtoad himself, once. He wouldn't throw us away. We'll come back, you'll see. DONNY I hope so. With a slightly embarrassed nod to each other, both step into their respective duty stations, revealing the lone Andy walking toward the camera recording the scene. He steps right up to it until he fills the perspective, leaning in and frowning, tilting his head. Then he reaches up, past the corner, and fiddles with something -- and the view adjusts, fuzzing with static for a moment ... SUBLIMINAL -OBEY KOMPLEX- ... before the colors adjust for greater clarity. Studying it, Andy looks straight at the audience for a moment, nods, and then switches the view off. THE END